The Spiv On Sunday 15/01/17

Christopher Spivey


Good Morning, Afternoon or Evening and a happy Weirdy-Beardy-Man-in-the-Skyday to you all except for the Paedo-Trolls and people who I dont like… They can all go and fuck themselves because no one else in their right mind would.

Unfortunately today’s edition is relatively short because my Appeal starts tomorrow morning at Chelmsford Crown Court.

Reporting restrictions are in place and although the Prosecution Witnesses have been ordered to appear in order to demonstrate that ‘I am getting a fair trial‘, they will be appearing via video and all questions had to be submitted last year and agreed by the Judge.

Predictably, every single one of the hundred and odd questions that I submitted were knocked back leaving no more than a dozen, drawn up by my barrister to put to each – all of which are as pointless as a flat thing.

In other words, the Appeal is going to be as one sided as the original trial where the verdict had been decided beforehand – a fact that my barrister had told me before we even entered the courtroom in July 2014.

Now there is an awful lot more to tell you about this appeal but I best wait until afterwards to do that.

However, any of you wishing to attend to watch the British Justice System in action will be most welcome – at least you will be by me.

Okay, let’s gerron wi’it.

Have you noticed the huge rise in “video news” in The Chimp On-line? Not to mention articles using GIF’s – none of which are newsworthy enough for a National Shit-Rag and nearly all of which are fake as fuck.

For instance, the cat that got its head stuck in an empty bag for frozen pizza’s which was promptly freed by a helpful dog.

Mind you, it is quite bizarre that the American video states the plastic bag is an empty crisp packet whilst the article headline emphasis that it is a pizza bag.

Indeed you would have thought that the Monkey-Kuntz could have agreed facts before publishing this international news… Even if it is fake.

Nevertheless, for those who can’t be arsed to sit through the commencing advert in order to watch the video clip, the Monkey with the unpronounceable first name, ‘Giulia’ – which is probably a chav spelling of ‘Julia’ – who wrote the narrative for the video, gives us a running commentary:

Dogs and cats aren’t renowned for their close friendship.

But in this amazing clip a friendly pooch is seen helping out his feline mate.

The adorable footage shot in Louisa, Kentucky, shows an unfortunate cat with her head stuck in a pizza bag.

The trapped cat is meowing away, helplessly wandering around the back of a pick-up truck.

Eventually the poor moggy takes a blind leap of faith off the vehicle and onto the ground where it’s met by its pooch pal.

The cute dog inquisitively approaches the lost cat and sniffs at the litter lodged on its head.

It then gently nips at the bag with its teeth and pulls it away, freeing the cat from its plastic prison.

The person who recorded the footage said: ‘I walked outside and saw the cat with the bag on its head. 

‘I thought people might think it was funny, so I recorded it.’

Remarks of ‘oh my god’ can be heard in the video as they watched the heartwarming scenes unfold.

And they all lived happily ever after… The end.

What a load of old bollox!

I mean the video clip starts with the bag already on the cat’s head but you have to question how the bag got there in the first place since it is on that tight that the hairy ginger pussy can’t get it off… Which logic dictates wouldn’t be possible if you think about it.

And then, amidst obviously faked “meowing“, the cat – rather than frantically trying to free itself – jumps from the back of the truck onto the side (how could it even see the side in order to do that?), before jumping to the ground… Which for all that the cat knew, could have been a million miles away.

Then, as it hits the deck, the dog immediately comes to the rescue without the pussy so much as once arching its back in defence – which would be a normal reaction since the moggie could have had no idea that the dog was trying to help out… Therefore, whilst not wanting to hurt anyones felines, the storyline is too impurrfect to be true… Which takes the right fucking hiss as far as I can see.

Stop fuckin’ groaning, that is proper journalism that is… Well done me.

The second of these videos that really belong on Youtube and not in one of the biggest newspapers in the world – least it would belong on Youtube if it wasn’t fake as fuck – is about a blindfolded mush who is smashing objects with a sledgehammer which are strategically placed right next to two fellas laying flat on the ground.

HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA… “Sikh & destroy”… HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA… Oh the Baboons are so fucking hairilous… “Sikh and destroy” indeed… Cunts.

Course, the “painfully wrong” bit is not what you would expect i.e the mush laying on the ground below Jack Hammer does not get hit in the bollocks.

You see, what actually happens – or at least what appears to happen – is that the other mush laying on the ground in front of Jack takes a hammer blow directly to the head.

OUCH! … Not really.

Now ignoring the fact that the sledgehammer’s shaft is far too flimsy to support what I imagine would be a 24Ib hammer head – despite it being far too large to be so in the above photo – the story, according to the Monkey-Shit-Tellerz goes thus:

A blindfolded martial arts master slams down a sledgehammer just inches from two trusting volunteers and blood-curdling footage captures the moment the heart-stopping trick goes horribly wrong.

Two men lay splayed out on the floor with fruit placed around their limbs and above their heads in the video, reportedly filmed during a Sikh festival in southern India.

A man wearing a large orange blindfold and wielding a sledgehammer high above his head then attempts to smash the fruit placed around the volunteers.

A large crowd looks on in awe as he successfully breaks the watermelons and coconuts around the first man on the ground.

Note, Coconuts… And they do not smash fucking easily at all, I can tell you… Carry on Ape-Shit:

However, when he reaches the second man the trick goes horribly awry.

Th martial artist misjudges the placement of the fruit as he brings his hammer down, hitting the second volunteer hard on the forehead.

The volunteer folds his body up as soon as he is hit and then appears to be unconscious for a short time.

The shocked crowd quickly rush to help the injured man and the hammer wielder immediately removes his blindfold when he realises his horrifying mistake.

The victim is later filmed standing and walking with a crowd of people around him clutching his head. It is not known if he had to receive hospital treatment. Source

And just so as you know that it was a sledge hammer that Jack was wielding as opposed to a rubber mallet – which would be very unlikely to to smash a coconut to pieces on the first strike anyway – the Chimp is very specific about the fact.

Yet as I say, the hammer that Jack is using has a handle that is far too flimsy and a head that is far too big – a bit like the paedo trolls with their big heads and puny little bodies.

Now, long ago in a far off galaxy named the “Late Eighties” or “Early Nineties“, I used to swing a 24Ib sledge hammer at some point or other during my working day, five or six times a week… And I can also state without fear of contradiction that I was pretty shit hot at doing so.

In fact amongst all the other silly things that me and my muckers used to get up to on the many, many building sites that I worked on, one of them was a test of strength that involved a 24Ib sledge hammer.

You see, if you was silly enough – and I was back then – what you would have to do is hold the sledge hammer at the extreme base of the shaft, with your arm outstretched and your head tilted backwards, after which you then had to lower the hammer head down in an arc, keeping your arm outstretched and bending only your wrist, until the hammer head touched your nose… Far, far more dangerous and difficult than it sounds.

And as you can see from my brutally handsome boat-race, the test of strength never went tits up for me.

However, I can promise you that if you swung a 24Ib sledge hammer onto someones forehead laying flat to hard ground, it would explode like the watermelons.

Yet we are supposed to believe that the victim just walked away rubbing his bonce…

… Yeah, they can fuck right off with that shit too.

And talking about shit, have a butchers at this next screenshot:


The world really has gone fruity-fucking-loopey!

Men do not give birth… And speaking from experience they don’t fucking want to either.

Therefore, 20 year old Hayden CROSS – you really couldn’t make it up – is NOT A MAN and never fucking will be.

That is to say, SHE never will be until all women who are either lesbicans and wear a “strap-on“or have kinky husbands who like their wives or girlfriends to fuck them up the jacksy with a “strap-on“, are also deemed as being legally men.

Furthermore, since Hayden Cross is in the puddin’ club, I think that SHE needs to be kept a very close eye on by the social services as She is clearly very immature, very irresponsible, very attention seeking, very unrealistic, very naive and very fucking confused.

As for the alleged death threats that SHE says SHE has received, I really do not think that SHE need worry since anyone issuing those to such a basket case are never going to go through with it… In fact in my opinion death threats across the board are MOSTLY – although obviously not all – treated as far too serious by the fucked up nanny state since those capable of murder are not the type of person to give their intended victim forewarning.

And with all that in mind, I have taken the liberty of correcting the Chimps headline to the old fanny.

Get the fucking story right ya buffoon baboons… Although there really is no story to tell.

Now, the biggest bollox of the week – apart from mine – is the story of the Muslim nanny who beheaded the 4 year old girl she was paid to look after and then paraded the childs head around the streets of Moscow shouting “Allo Allo” or whatever the fuck it is that propaganda terrorists shout as a matter of routine:

The mother of a four-year-old girl who was decapitated by her sadistic nanny before she carried her head through the streets in Russia while shouting ‘Allahu Akbar’ fears the woman could return to kill the rest of the family if freed.

Ah, the good old “she might come and do the rest of us” routine… Same old, same old then.

Course, just in case nobody cottoned on to the fact that the nanny, dressed in a burger – seemingly for that day only – carrying a decapitated childs head about, whilst shouting “Areeba Areeba”, was actually a bona-fide terrorist, she apparently starting telling anyone who would listen that she was:

She also threatened to blow herself up, shouting to bystanders: ‘I am a terrorist.’

Woops! My bad, I forgot the “does my bomb look big in this” part.

Photo: Nanny not dressed in a burger.

I wonder why she did it?

In fact, i’ll bet that it was something to do with Old Glad Vlad bombing her people in Muslim Lands:

She claimed that she wanted to avenge Vladimir Putin’s military action in bombing Muslims because ‘he spilled the blood.

Bloody fucking knew it!

I’ll also bet that she was a lovely woman before some made-up person or other radishalised her:

the nanny was ‘sane’ and ‘cheerful’, before she became influenced by an alleged extremist from Tajikistan, becoming his second wife. Source

The bloody fucking bastard!

Mind you, the murdered child was called Nastier and did look rather like a little boy.

Very high forehead too… Which is strange since her mother is the lovely Cameron Diaz.

Probably anyway.

Mind you, this old fanny is major news in the British Press, so I imagine that the story must be in overkill over in Russia:

After the killing on February 29 last year, major state-run TV channels refused to cover the case as ‘probably too monstrous to be shown on television’.

Nuff said.

And in Elf news Lancashire continues to be tops for cancer:

A young woman who started chronicling her fight against bowel cancer as a teenager has revealed doctors have decided to stop chemotherapy.

In a short message on her Facebook page Hannah Lyson (lies on), from Lancashire, revealed that she had received the ‘worst news imaginable’ when she told followers her disease was not responding to treatment.

She said: ‘I’m not writing a blog post as I don’t have the effort or ability right now.

Before going on to write a blog post:

For one so young she’s taking the news of her imminent death very well isn’t she?

Carry on Monkey-Shite:

Miss Lyson was diagnosed with bowel cancer in May last year when she was just 19 years old.

Eight months ago then… Roger that:

Doctors initially believed the teenager was suffering from irritable bowel syndrome when she complained of back ache and constipation. 

Yep, doctors always diagnose people as being full of shit… Least they do according to the Chimp:

But tests revealed she had five tumours growing on her bowel and liver. The teenager had part of her bowel removed and a colostomy bag fitted.

Hmmm, and don’t think that I haven’t noticed the high number of stories about pretty young women happily flopping their poo-bags out… See HERE

And I am sure that the reason for the bag-fest has nothing to do with the following:

Medical research firm ConvaTec has revealed plans for a £1.4billion stock market flotation.

The Reading-based company operates in 100 countries and specialises in wound dressings and colostomy bags, and also makes catheters and infusion devices which are used by diabetes sufferers to take insulin.

The business, which employs about 9,000 people around the world, plans to list at least 25 per cent of its shares by the end of this month or early November, in what will be the biggest float in the healthcare sector this year.

It will use the cash to pay down debt and provide a return to its private equity owners, Nordic Capital and Avista Capital Partners. Source

I merely thought that it was worth a mention… Carry on Fuzz-Face:

After her devastating diagnoses Miss Lyson set up the blog Hannah’s Bowel Cancer Journey chronicling her ‘unwavering determination’ to beat the disease.

A bit like that Ben fella that runs marathons who I wrote about in ‘Sick Benefit’… Roger, Roger:

She was confident that she could fight the condition having watched two of her sisters battle thyroid cancer and leukaemia.

Fuck me, no wonder they changed their surname from ‘Lucky’.

Her hair grew back quickly didn’t it unless the photo on the right – which is the main photo – was taken before she shaved her hair off… In which case why didn’t the Photo-Chimps take a recent one?

Either way her ever present smiles – especially the one behind the oxygen mask – tell me that this is just another in a long line of fake cancer stories.

After all, anyone who needed an oxygen mask – and I can’t think why she would – has fuck all to be cheerful about… Just sayin’.

And finally, earlier today the Chimp helpfully informed us that Little Bald Willie & Mrs Gold-Digger-Smiff will be moving back into Kensington Palace full time and all because Prince Troglodyte is starting “prep-school” – which is good of them since we paid millions to have the place nicely refurbished:

Prince George may not go to the same school as his father as Kate and William opt for a smaller, more discreet pre-prep closer to Kensington Palace.

The three-year-old was expected to be enrolled at £6,500-a-term Wetherby School in Notting Hill, which Princes William and Harry both attended.

However, he is more likely to attend the school’s new branch in Kensington when he starts reception in September, according to royal insiders. 

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are said to favour Wetherby Kensington because it is less likely to attract photographers, sources told the Sunday Express.

Paparazzi are known to gather around Notting Hill to capture celebrities on the school run.

The new school in Kensington, which will occupy 4 Wetherby Gardens, is also just five minutes away from Kensington Palace.

The source said: ‘The new school off Gloucester Road is preferable because it is much more intimate and less likely to attract photographers. Source

And if you believe that old bollox you deserve to have the words “Daft Cunt” stamped on your forehead.

After all, Prince Troglodyte would never ever be allowed to be indoctrinated into believing the same as our children do about the artificial world, that allows the Monsters to take the right fucking piss.

Incidentally, Clayton completed his first week at school this week.

He’s about as fucking happy as what his mother is in the mornings but what a dude… Although it only seems like yesterday that I was doing the exact same journey with his mother (header photo)… Albeit she was well over a year older than Clay when I took her in for her first day.

Fuck me you should have seen the tears on that day long ago, I didn’t think that they would ever stop… Although unlike me, Stacey didn’t seem to be upset at all.

And surprisingly – at least it was to me and his mother – Clay actually liked it too although personally I still think that he is too young, despite him only going for 5 half days a week until September.

Nevertheless, if Georgie Boy were really to attend school its location would be top secret and certainly would not have had the address published in a national newspaper.

Furthermore, the two, three or four, armed royal protection officers who are not allowed to let the Little-Monster out of their sight for a second would look fucking stupid sat on those little chairs with their knees level to their chins.

Therefore, what you will see in the press is photos of George arriving at his new school on his first day, wearing his new uniform and clutching his new book bag, as Gold Digger Smith leads him inside – both of whom will depart seconds later and go their seperate ways.

And no doubt the same process will be repeated another 3 or 4 times during the course of the following year just to reinforce the illusion that Little Lord Fauntleroy really goes to school like the rest of us did… unless of course all of the photos needed for the illusion were/are taken in one go – which is in fact more likely.

You see, Georgie Boy will be taught at home and indoctrinated into the belief that he has a divine right to rule and that he is of a feces species far superior to us goyim.

Anything else is just pie in the sky.

That’s ya lot, wish me luck… I’m gonna fucking need it.

Moustache fer now, Byyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee