May 9 2018
Today is the 9th of May and the 9th of each month is when the £266 site fees are due… Which I am sorry to tell you that I do not have.
This means that unless you dig deep the site will go offline sometime in the next 3 to 7 days until the fees are paid and as such I see no point in releasing anymore articles of substance until they are.
Whats more, as it stands at the moment, the earliest that I will have the money is when the first proceeds of my book come in on the 28th or the 29th although why I the fuck I should have to use that much needed cash-injection to prop up the site when the book is fuck all to do with it is beyond me… But I will if needs be. Just this once.
Therefore, I will take this opportunity to promote it… I like to read mine in the bath.
Therefore, whoever sends me the best or funniest photo of them reading their copy will win a copy of “The Great Cock ‘n’ Bull Swindle” – the follow up to “Never Mind The Sex Pistols” – when it is released.
Now there is an incentive to buy “Never Mind The Sex Pistols” if I ever saw one.
Here, have a snippet. This is taken from Chapter 3 where Jon Lydon has brought his girlfriend Ann to hear him and the group rehearse:
Fifteen minutes later with everything set up and ready to go Jonathan pulled the large Sofa over for Ann and Nancy to sit on. As Syd perched on the sofa arm next to his lanky girlfriend, Jon took up his position behind the microphone. Giving his fat, ugly, pig of a bird a loving smile, Jon let his sleeve drop over his hand like a fingerless glove and grabbed hold of the mic with it. Turning his head to look over his shoulder, all three of his band mates gave him a nod to indicate that they were ready.
With one final wink in Ann’s direction – although it could just as well have been a nervous tic – Jonathan pulled the microphone to his mouth, “TWO, A ONE TWO THREE FOUR”.
Immediately on four, Peter Cook began rapidly pumping the Bass drum pedal with his foot. Exactly 6 seconds later Steve opened up on guitar by jumping into the air and windmilling his arm in the style of his hero Pete Townshend. This was Glens cue to come in on Bass.
“YOU DONT NEED PERMISSION FOR ANYTHING” Jonathan snarled loudly into the mic as Peter beat his drum sticks with lightning speed across the full array of his drum kit.
“SHE’S MORE TO ME THAN YOU’LL EVER BE” Jonathan half sung, half barked while looking as if he was just about to eat the microphone. Steve then launched into playing a basic series of chords to get the song going properly. Ten seconds later Jon began to sing…
♪ Hold me close don’t let me go, ohhhh no… You see i, yes i love you and i thought you should know, do ya know, with your love – light shinning, every cloud has a silver – lining, so hold me close don’t let me go. ♪
However, unlike David Essex who sang the original version of the song, Jonathan sang the smash-hit’s lyrics more out of tune – which wasn’t easy as you will know if you are familiar with David’s version of the hit record.
Moreover, Jonathan also dragged the words out for longer – which once again wasn’t easy as you will know if you are familiar with David’s version of the hit record.
And indeed, twenty years into the future Liam Gallagher would have this style of singing down to an art.
But for now, Ann watched in awe as Jon sang. Never in her wildest dreams had she thought that he would be this good and with the Top 20 being dominated by the likes of Abba, the Nolan’s and the Dooley’s, the Sex Pistol’s had a unique style unlike any other she’d heard before – A style, the fat cow immediately connected with.
“So what if he’s a shit shag” she thought. To her, the music was better than any sex she’d ever had – Although to be fair, Charlie Drake’s comedy song, ‘My boomerang won’t come back’, was also better than any sex she’d ever had.
She pulled her jumpsuit up to her mouth and clamped it between her teeth.
“Bloody hell she’s hungry again” Jonathan thought as he sang.
While that thought may well have been true, the actual reason for Ann biting her clothing was to stop her from screaming hysterically, In much the same way that young girls did some ten years previous as the Beatles performed on stage.
But unfortunately, in the end the excitement all became too much for the teenage girl. Her vaginal muscles tensed, then relaxed again causing her to involuntarily push down on her bladder. And as a tear rolled down her face, Ann Hecky wet herself.
“Fuck it” she thought. Even if she could have got up at that moment without anyone noticing the large, dark, wet patch around her crotch, she wouldn’t have. She was in fact so caught up in the moment that she had no intention of letting a little problem like wetting her knickers ruin it. And anyway, she reasoned, if she jumped about enough in time to the music she would be able to pass the big wet patch off as being sweat.
The song ended with the ear splitting sound of feedback from Stevie’s Fender guitar. However, the group were only just warming up. Taking hold of the microphone, Jonathan once again treated his guests to his own unique style of song introduction: “IF YOU COULD SEE ME NOW, OH FUCK OFF” – he snarled into the microphone.
Peter, taking his cue from Jon’s unusual introduction once again began to rhythmically pound his drums. However, unlike his last opening drum solo this one lasted for a floor vibrating, whole 15 seconds before Steve finally dragged his fingers – once only – across his guitar strings, before once again leaving Pete unaccompanied.
A further nine seconds passed before Steve once again dragged his fingers over the strings. Nine seconds of solo percussion later saw both Steve and Glen open up on their guitars, leaving the drum solo to give way to a total wall of sound
In that exact same instant Jonathan began to sing the opening verse of their second number:
♪ There’s a message floating in the air, come from crazy horse’s riding everywhere. Its a warning, its in every tongue, Gotta stop them crazy horses on the run… ♪
Ann immediately leapt to her feet causing her mammoth breasts to nearly break free from the restraints of her jumpsuit. Luckily the outfits stitching held fast stopping her erect nipples from plucking her eye’s out.
Nevertheless, even as she was rising to her feet her hands had already clasped her Rosie red cheeks, as she screamed to the greatest group she’d ever heard in her life as they worked their way through ‘The Osmond’s’ classic hit record ‘Crazy Horses’.
The Pistols were now on fire with Jon giving a blistering performance. Maybe it was his earlier tension spurring him on or maybe it was because Ann was watching him with total adoration. But for whatever reason there might have been, the second that Ann jumped up and screamed, The young singer fell completely and utterly in love with the short, huge arsed, gigantically breasted, ginger haired schoolgirl.
“Fuck Donny givus chuffin Johnny any day ot week” she thought as she chewed on the front of her outfit. This time round however, she was chewing it because she was hungry although as she chewed, bile began to rise up into her throat and mouth brought on by a combination of over excitement, trying to keep her emotions in check and the rancid taste of Brussel Sprouts in her mouth – the latter being a consequence of trying to eat her jumpsuit.
All too quickly the song came to an end. Jonathan looked adoringly down at Ann who was by now down on her knees. In doing so, he couldn’t help but notice the dark maroon wet patch around her crutch which made for a stark contrast to the rest of the bright red outfit.
“Ahhh, she loves me”, he thought.
“Argh, im going to throw up everywhere”, she thought.
Jonathan winked at her yet again as he snarled “DO WE KNOW ANY OTHER PEOPLES SONGS”, into the mic.
Steve immediately began to play a single chord over and over. “TORTURE” Jon shouted with no intended malice, following up the word by making a series of childish noise’s, “NA NA NA NANA NANA NA”.
Then, without warning Jonathan abruptly put an end to his clowning around and launched into the 1971 ‘Partridge Family” hit, ‘I think I love you’:
♪ I’m sleeping and right in the middle of a good dream, when all at once I wake up, with something that keeps knocking at my brain… ♪
As Jonathan worked his way through the song, Ann mouthed the words ‘I think I love you’, prompting the singer to nod his head as he reached the chorus:
♪ I think I love you, so what am I so afraid of, I’m afraid that I’m not sure of, a love there is no cure for… ♪
Ann gagged just as she heard Jon sing the words she’d longed to hear. The gag reflex action involuntarily caused her to squeeze her pelvic muscles together to prevent her from wetting herself again. From this point onwards her body began to work independently of her brain. Another reflex action kicked in causing her to relax her pelvic floor muscles in a desperate bid to stop her vomiting everywhere. This sudden involuntary action in turn forced the poor girl to push down on her sythinxter causing her bowels to open.
And finally… Just as Jonathan sang the words:
♪ I don’t know what I’m up against, I don’t know what it’s all about, Iv’e got so much to think about, heyyyy, I think I love you, I think I love you, I think I love you… ♪
… Ann Hecky… Despite a valiant effort to take back control of her oversized body, promptly shit herself amidst the loudest fart you have ever heard in your life.
The room was instantly filled with the cloying, overwhelmingly rotten stench of Brussel Sprouts.
“GAS PIPE EXPLOSION” Peter cried throwing his drum sticks over his shoulders and using his hands to cover his nose and mouth.
“HOLY SHIT NO, IT BURNS, IT BURNS” Glen screamed clawing at his tongue.
“CALL THE GAS BOARD EMERGENCY LINE SOMEBODY” Jonathan screeched, pulling his fluffy jumper up over his nose.
“FUCK THE GAS BOARD, CALL 999” Steve loudly countered, throwing himself to the floor in an effort to get below the strange green vapour now hanging in the unbearably humid air.
“I quite like it” Nancy told Syd confidentially, “It’s making me feel a bit light headed”.
“I’ve got some bwilliant stuff if you wanna feel light headed Nance” Syd replied. “Come on lets go get dwugged up” he added as he grabbed her by the hand and quickly led her from the room.
Ann meanwhile looked to be made out of stone as she knelt bolt upright on the floor and watched the room descend into chaos and panic.
”Why me, Why me?” her brain screamed as she felt her five stomach’s contract again.
“Ohhh, ta very fuckin much God” She added wordlessly looking up towards the heavens with a sneer on her face as she felt her bowels begin to open again. She immediately Jumped to her feet. Then, with her left arm rigidly pointing upwards at a 45 degree angle while her right hand reached around to her bum and clasped the newly acquired contents of her knickers, Ann shot out of the room – no doubt helpfully propelled along by the massive trumpet blowing from her arse – whilst hoping to hold the package in long enough for her to reach the toilet.
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That is it, I won’t be posting anything else until this months fees are paid so either donate or read the government sponsored Alternative Media Websites… And the cutting edge Chimp of course who will tell you all about the:
Not to mention:
As well as:
Mind you, if that isn’t earth shattering enough for you, there is always the following:
Although if you find that “hilarious” you best not buy my book because you will die laughing… Mind you that dog shit has nothing on the twat’s lead story.
Although it turns out that the embryo wasn’t really wearing headphones at all… Despite his dad being a DJ!
And to keep you from getting really bored, you can tuck into this game-changer:
Is that what you want? Cos that’s what’ll happen.
And just for the benefit of anyone who thinks that the Pistols couldn’t really cut the mustard:
♫ Oh you silly things, you’ve really gone and done it now ♫.
The Jones Boy has aged well hasn’t he!
Buy my book.
See ya – wouldn’t like to be ya.