The Ballad Of Cliff And Johnny.

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Christopher Spivey, The Daily Mail & The Daily Express

 

The following article, the first of two, has got to be one of the worst ever written. Certainly, its one of the most pathetic pieces of journalism that I have ever come across anyway. Quite strange, considering it was published by my friends at the Daily Mail.

Then again, they are always shit were probably just having an off day. Owen Tonks, you are a disgrace to your profession Sir.

Luckily, I was here to save the day and get Owen Tonks out of trouble… I’m just a disgrace in general.

Having read how I bailed Tonks out, you will then find a second article about Jimmy Savile and Cliff Richard which first appeared in the Daily Express on Saturday, 23rd of July 1994. I publish this second article purely for reasons of posterity. Therefore, any perceived insinuation you choose to make by my decision to publish is arrived at purely through your own over active imaginations… Probably.

Going on a summer holiday? Sir Cliff Richard spotted at Barbados airport with ex priest companion John McElynn

By OWEN TONKS & SPIV D’TWONK

PUBLISHED: 12:49, 7 March 2013 | UPDATED: 15:05, 7 March 2013

He is Cliff Richard’s trusted companion but former priest John McElynn is rarely spotted side by side with the crooner.

Therefore, it is safe to conclude that Johnny five bellys is the singer of silly songs secret lover meaning Cliff – as we have all secretly known for years – likes a bit of bum fun. Your turn Tonks.

But Sir Cliff, 72,  proved the pair are still lifelong pals as they were pictured inside Barbados airport on Wednesday.

At least that is one way of looking at it. Another way would be that the old Iron Cliff, has got the right fuckin arse ache after being caught on camera with his secret lover. And when I say he has the right fucking arse ache, I don’t mean the bum fun kind either.

I mean to say, just look at the first fucking photo. Cliff the stiff is thinking ‘could this get any fucking worse’, while his boyfriend John Dunpreaching Nee McElynn, is desperately trying to convince the Peter Pan of Pop that he had no idea the press would be there.

As an interesting footnote to this part of my contribution, J.M Barrie who wrote Peter Pan was a paedophile, don’t cha know. Not that paedophiles have anything to do with this article…. I’m Just saying. Over to you Tonk. It’s going very well isn’t it? I did mention the word paedophile, but I think I got away with it.

Side-by-side: Sir Cliff folds his arms and guards the suitcases as his companion John talks to a friend outside the airport terminal

Side-by-side: Sir Cliff, having got the right fucking hump, folds his arms and guards the suitcases as his companion John talks to a friend outside the airport terminal

As the singer chatted with friends, former American missionary John, who looks after the Mistletoe and Wine singer’s property portfolio, stood firmly by his side outside the terminal building.

Again, yes, that would be one way of looking at it… Orrr, work with me here Tonks… Or, once again, another way of looking at it – based purely on the 2nd photo 0f course – would be that Rich Richards had hissed at Jiggidy John from the corner of his mouth; “Let me do the fucking talking. You have done enough damage”, while at the same time, smiling through gritted teeth at the sycophantic hanger-on who had arrived to meet the HomoSexualsSapiens.  

Meanwhile, Jiggidy, who is always the first with the Mistletoe and Wine at Christmas, was by now stood sulkily on the sidelines looking rather like some kind of overgrown schoolboy who had just been read the riot act. 

In good company: Sir Cliff Richard looks happy as he waits with companion John McElynn and a friend at the airport in Barbados on Wednesday

In good company: Sir Cliff Richard looks as happy as an arsonist without a match as he waits with companion John McElynn – seen here sulking on the sidelines – and a crawl arse friend at the airport in Barbados on Wednesday

Sir Cliff revealed the pair became close about seven years ago and he decided to ask John to become his companion after he decided to leave the church.

Although, to be honest, he didn’t actually say that to either me or Tonks… We wasn’t there you see. We googled it… Sorry. 

Ready to go: Sir Cliff may have been fed up with waiting for his transport while standing outside the airport in Barbados with his bagsReady to go: Sir Cliff may have been fed up – to put it mildly – with waiting for his transport while standing outside the airport in Barbados with his bags

Sir Cliff, who has a home on the island, looked casual in a blue, black and white checked shirt and a pair of light blue denim jeans.

Course, its just as well that he has got a house on the Island because he is avoiding stepping foot in the UK at the moment. I don’t know why? Something to with Paraphernalia… Least that’s what I think the fella said… Easy on the clothing descriptions Tonks. You know I don’t like that kind of thing. 

He wore his glasses and had his hands on his hips and smiled and chatted to friends while he waited outside the terminal.

Yes, yes, we are not fucking blind Owen Tonks… Cut it out.

Last seen: Sir Cliff Richard and his friend former father John McElynn in 2005 Last seen: Sir Cliff Richard and his boyfriend former father John Dunpreaching Nee McElynn in 2005
We're all going on a summer holiday: Sir Cliff Richard is known for his hit songs which have seen his music career span across decadesWe’re all going on a summer holiday, no more working for a week or two: Sir Cliff Richard is known for his Shit songs which have seen his music career span across decades, with such doozey’s as ‘The lords prayer’ set to music – just what the fuck was that shite all about?

John dressed in a similar fashion to Cliff and wore a green, blue and white striped shirt beneath a navy blue blazer.

1.2.3.4.5.6.7.8.9.10 and breathe Christopher, breathe son. You can get through this. Concentrate…

He had on a pair of beige trousers as he stood surrounded by the group’s suitcases.

ARE YOU FOR FUCKING REAL YOU PATHETIC CUNT? WHO GIVES A MONKEYS FUCKING SCROTUM SACK WHAT THE PAIR OF KNOB JOCKEYS ARE WEARING… Sorry… Sorry. Sorry Tonks. I shouldn’t have snapped like that, but less of the wardrobe descriptions… By the way? Have you heard anything about Cliff and some Paraphernalia? 

Musician Cliff met John after inviting him to work on some of his charitable projects.

Please ya self. I will find out one way or another, with or without you’re help. As for that old bollocks that you have just written! Pfffft. Cliff  more likely met John in the Clapham Common public shithouse and said “Right fat boy, you’re coming home to Clifftop Towers with me”

In 2008, the star wrote in his autobiography, My Life, My Way: ‘He hadn’t any thought at the beginning of giving up the priesthood, but when it became clear he was thinking of the possibility, I suggested he might help me with some charitable projects.

I haven’t read any of ‘The Websters’ books so I wouldn’t know… Sounds like a load of old fanny to me, but I’m sure the Blue Rinse Brigade believed it. They do like that kind of old bollocks don’t they?

By the way, when I called Clit Richard ‘The Webster’ just now, I should just mention that his real name is Harry Webb and he likes to be referred to as ‘The Webster’ (least he does since I started writing this shit). I’m just saying like, so as you don’t think he is related to Kevin Webster… Kev’s a paedophile, whereas Clit is a wholesome, nice geriatric gentle kind of bachelor boy… Even if he is prone to the odd hissy fit now and then.

 

All travelled out: Sir Cliff Richard looks ready to leave the airport after landing on the island of Barbados where he has a homeAll travelled out: Sir Cliff Richard looks ready to go Apeshit having been caught evading Operation Fernbridge trying to keep a low profile, whilst getting ready to leave the airport after landing on the island of Barbados where he has a home

‘That was seven years ago and our arrangement has worked out really well. John now spends most of his time looking after my properties.

Ha, ha… You couldn’t make that shit up could you?

“John now spends most of his time looking after my properties”…

He does if ‘looking after my properties’ is a euphemism for ‘rodgering me senseless’… Not that there is anything wrong with two men rodgering each other senseless. I mean, its not as if either of them are children is it… However, if a man rodgered a schoolboy senseless, now that would be terribly, terribly wrong.  Thankfully neither Clitty or Johnny do that sick fuck type of thing… Least I jolly well hope they don’t. 

‘He has become a companion, which is great because I don’t like living alone, even now.’

Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more, say no more… A nods as good as a wink to a blind fucker, don’t cha know.

I'll be there for you: Sir Cliff Richard is joined by a group of friends as he waits outside Barbados airport on WednesdayI’ll be there for you (like I’ve been there before). I’ll be there for you: Sir Cliff Richard is joined by a group of friends as he waits outside Barbados airport on Wednesday

However, Cliff’s may not be able to spend as much time at home as he could soon have a busier schedule – he has joked he would like to doit with One Direction.

You’re not fucking wrong there, Tonk me old son. Indeed Harry may not be able to spend as much time at home, especially if this Paraphernalia malarkey, comes on top… I didn’t know that he would like to doit with One Direction though. The dirty fucking old bastard… All of them at once Tonk? Or just one at a time? 

He told The Lady magazine: ‘I’ve heard One Direction now, and think that each one of them has a terrific voice, so if they ever decide to do a duet, I’m available but not ‘cheap.’

Ignore me then you ignorant cunt… I’ve already said I’m sorry for shouting at you. Struth! Dontcha go getting all narky on me cobber… Fucking hell, I turned into an Australian then. Did you notice that Tonk?.

Talking of which? Have you heard that rumour about Rolf Harris being a paedophile? … No,  no, course you haven’t. Silly of me to ask really. Fuck me Tonk! I wish you would stop talking about Paedophiles all the time. I don’t think Cliffy boy would want anything to do with Paedophilia… Cut out the nonce talk alright

Mind you, he’s living in the past if he thinks One Direction would pay to have sex with him. He’s old enough to be their Grandad… I shouldn’t think they would even let him give them a blowjob… Then again, you never know these days… Anyway! Enough chit-chat. Whats next Tonk?

Tonk?… Tonk?? … TONK???… Fuck me he’s gone… Still, makes a change I suppose. Its usually me who fucks off first… I think he could have at least thanked me for saving his shit article…

Judge for yourself. Did Spivey save the day or not? Owen Tonks solo effort is printed below the next article.

 

Now Jim fixes it to quit while he’s a hit

The Daily Express

July 23rd 1994

SIR Jimmy Savile, with his silver hair and penchant for cigars, track-suits, and gold medallions isn’t everyone’s idea of a fairy godmother…  but he is the closest we’ve got.

His show, JIm’ll  Fix It, is all about making dreams come true and, for nearly two decades, he has  received more than three million letters from people asking him to grant their wishes. In one week alone, 20,000 letters came flooding in.

This week the show will end. Since the first one in 1975, Jim has fulfilled more than 1,500 requests. The letters come from all age groups, in all forms.

There are certain requests he can’t do anything about, such as the woman who asked for her ex-boyfriend to be professionally beaten up, or the little girl who asked him to give her mother a baby.

But in many cases, he can, and does, help.

Once, Jim managed to perform a real miracle. Great-grandmother Sybil Howlett wanted a piece of music she had written performed in public.

Jim fixed it for the London Philharmonic Orchestra to play the piece and for former Premier Edward Heath to conduct it. The woman, who had been blind for 14 years, was so excited she regained her sight.

Delighted Sybil was asked on to the show again and this time she fulfilled a dream to ride a motorbike.

That was Jim’s second favourite “Fix it”, the first being restoring Sybil’s sight. When cigar-chomping Jim — immortalised by his catchphrase, “How’s about that, then” — first began fixing it, the most frequent request was from teeny-boppers who wanted to meet The Osmonds.

But by far the most requested celebrity has been Cliff Richard.

“The mums love him, the daughters love him. He’s timeless,” says Jim.

And Cliff has always been keen to oblige In the special 10th anniversary programme in 1985, he  sprang a lovely surprise on one of the “mum” generation when her daughter, also a fan, brought  Cliff home with her to sing a song in the front room.

One of the more difficult Fix It letters was from 11-year-old Catriona Nisbett, who wanted to be  British Ambassador in Moscow for a day — at the height of the Cold  War.

Finally, days before her I6th birthday, Catriona travelled to the Soviet Union to become Our Woman in Moscow.

One of the daftest things Jim has ever fixed was for someone to jump a horse-trials course without a horse. Another was for four people to do the Birdie Dance in Trafalgar Square, dressed as giant pigeons.

But the silliest was when Jim managed to make a record 14,000 fixes at once.

JEFF EVANS wrote to him on behalf of all the inhabitants of Holyhead, North Wales. He was asking for an extra Christmas because most of the Holyheadians had gone down with a particularly nasty flu virus the previous December.

So the Fix It team created a Christmas in the middle of August. Carol singers in bathing costumes, barbecued turkey on the beach and tinsel everywhere glittering in the summer sun. Frank Bruno (turns up a lot with Jim doesn’t he? – Spivey) made a striking Father Christmas and was ably assisted by his helper, Ruth Madoc.

Despite the great memories, after almost 20 years presenting the show, Jim has had enough. And though the series remains incredibly popular with 12 million viewers tuning in to each programme, Jim’s final show will be broadcast this Sunday.

As well as being a TV star, Jim is also Known for his charity marathon runs and his work as a hospital porter.

He has been raising money for at least 20 years — more than £30 million at the last count — and Stoke Mandeville’s National Spinal Injuries Centre exists almost entirely as a result of his efforts.

He has taken tea with the Queen Mother, spent Christmas with Mrs Thatcher (same old names, time and time again – Spivey) and persuaded government ministers to support his make-things-happen talent for sweetening life for the sick and the disadvantaged.

And the multi-millionaire channels nine-tenths of his income into two charitable trusts.

THE 66-year-old was knighted in 1990 following an earlier OBE, although he has never insisted on being called Sir. But the time has come for Jim to change. He wants to come up with a new programme format.

“The only show I’ve got in mind is having a good time,” he says. “I did 20 years on Top of the Pops and Jim’ll Fix-It for 20 years and I’m sure I’ll come up with another idea if I feel like it.

“I think television and radio are the greatest inventions and I’m having a marvellous time.

“There are plenty of mountains, hills, and lakes. I’m going to travel the country talking to people to get ideas”.

 

 

Going on a summer holiday? Sir Cliff Richard spotted at Barbados airport with ex priest companion John McElynn

He is Cliff Richard’s trusted companion but former priest John McElynn is rarely spotted side by side with the crooner.

But Sir Cliff, 72,  proved the pair are still lifelong pals as they were pictured inside Barbados airport on Wednesday.

As the singer chatted with friends, former American missionary John, who looks after the Mistletoe and Wine singer’s property portfolio, stood firmly by his side outside the terminal building.

Sir Cliff revealed the pair became close about seven years ago and he decided to ask John to become his companion after he decided to leave the church.

Side-by-side: Sir Cliff folds his arms and guards the suitcases as his companion John talks to a friend outside the airport terminalSide-by-side: Sir Cliff folds his arms and guards the suitcases as his companion John talks to a friend outside the airport terminal
In good company: Sir Cliff Richard looks happy as he waits with companion John McElynn and a friend at the airport in Barbados on WednesdayIn good company: Sir Cliff Richard looks happy as he waits with companion John McElynn and a friend at the airport in Barbados on Wednesday
Ready to go: Sir Cliff may have been fed up with waiting for his transport while standing outside the airport in Barbados with his bagsReady to go: Sir Cliff may have been fed up with waiting for his transport while standing outside the airport in Barbados with his bagsSir Cliff, who has a home on the island, looked casual in a blue, black and white checked shirt and a pair of light blue denim jeans.

 

He wore his glasses and had his hands on his hips and smiled and chatted to friends while he waited outside the terminal.

John dressed in a similar fashion to Cliff and wore a green, blue and white striped shirt beneath a navy blue blazer.

Last seen: Sir Cliff Richard and his friend former father John McElynn in 2005 Last seen: Sir Cliff Richard and his friend former father John McElynn in 2005
We're all going on a summer holiday: Sir Cliff Richard is known for his hit songs which have seen his music career span across decadesWe’re all going on a summer holiday: Sir Cliff Richard is known for his hit songs which have seen his music career span across decades

He had on a pair of beige trousers as he stood surrounded by the group’s suitcases.

Musician Cliff met John after inviting him to work on some of his charitable projects.

In 2008, the star wrote in his autobiography, My Life, My Way: ‘He hadn’t any thought at the beginning of giving up the priesthood, but when it became clear he was thinking of the possibility, I suggested he might help me with some charitable projects.

 

All travelled out: Sir Cliff Richard looks ready to leave the airport after landing on the island of Barbados where he has a homeAll travelled out: Sir Cliff Richard looks ready to leave the airport after landing on the island of Barbados where he has a home

‘That was seven years ago and our arrangement has worked out really well. John now spends most of his time looking after my properties.

‘He has become a companion, which is great because I don’t like living alone, even now.’

However, Cliff’s may not be able to spend as much time at home as he could soon have a busier schedule – he has joked he would like to duet with One Direction.

He told The Lady magazine: ‘I’ve heard One Direction now, and think that each one of them has a terrific voice, so if they ever decide to do a duet, I’m available but not ‘cheap.’

I'll be there for you: Sir Cliff Richard is joined by a group of friends as he waits outside Barbados airport on WednesdayI’ll be there for you: Sir Cliff Richard is joined by a group of friends as he waits outside Barbados airport on Wednesday

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2289591/Sir-Cliff-Richard-spotted-Barbados-airport-companion-John-McElynn.html#ixzz2N1WAL7Pk
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