Feb 5 2017
Spiv & Chimps
An occasional reader of the Daily Chimpanzee shit-rag could be forgiven for concluding that “everything in the world is shit” – which to be fair is probably true-ish, but not for the reasons that the Monkey-Nutz would have you believe.
Mind you, the Chimps shit-list does not extend to their fave-rave knob-ed-celebs who all have “phenomenal figures” or “buff physiques” and are blessed with “adorable” or “impossibly cute” children… Pass me the fucking sick bucket.
But I digress, so to get back on track – no pun intended – it would seem that Sat-Navs are now total poop if Dacre’s Dunces are to be believed.
Course, dog-forbid that the fantasy-merchants would just pluck that claim out of thin air… Perish the thought!
In fact the Ape-Menz claim is based on solid [Chimp] fact – namely the content of Monkey Copywriter, Amie Gordon’s cutting edge article in today’s Mail Online.
And after reading that old bollox, the Chimp faithful can think themselves lucky that Amie (no ‘y’ and just the one ‘e’ thank you very much) isn’t aware of the Royle Family’s take on navigation systems or else today’s article would doubtlessly form the basis of the Shit-Rags main headlines for at least a week.
In fact so daunting is that prospect that I am reluctant to mention that my Sat-Nav is proper shite… But then again the system is built in as standard to my 16 year old car.
Nevertheless, Amie’s damning article carries the following hard hitting headline:
That sinking feeling! Blundering BMW driver is rescued after getting trapped when his sat nav sent him careering into a RIVER
*GASP – as in a collective sharp intake of breath.
And there are photos to prove it too… Look:
*GASP – as in another collective sharp intake of breath.
However, please stay seated as there is no need to go and chuck your Tom-Tom in the bin.
You see, contrary to what Amie claims – be it through ignorance or otherwise – Sat-Nav’s do not direct you into rivers… Never… Not even once.
They may send you down the wrong direction of a one way street or even possibly down a dead-end, if a road has been recently closed off.
In fact, it is not unknown for some high sided lorry drivers to be sent down a road only for them to find their route thwarted by a low bridge… But a Sat-Nav directing you into a river? Nahhhhh.
However, what is at best a photoshopped, fire-service training exercise doesn’t stop Amie sensationalising the old fanny from the outset:
A stricken BMW driver had to be winched to safety after he followed his sat nav into a river.
I mean straight off the driver is “stricken” – defined in the Cambridge Dictionary as: suffering severely from the effects of something unpleasant.
Moreover, we are equally quickly informed of the ‘fact’ that the only way to ensure the continued well being of the severely suffering driver was for the emergency services to “winch” him to safety… Despite the reality of the situation being – at the very best – that nothing other than the car was actually winched anywhere… The driver most certainly was not.
Unless Amie is a proper, proper shit Copywriter and was in fact referring to the car all along.
Yet regardless of which may be the case, as you can see, Amie lays the blame for the incident squarely at Tom-Tom’s door.
The total codswallop then continues:
Emergency services raced to the scene in Carmarthen, South Wales, to rescue the motorist when his car became almost completely submerged.
Note: “raced” to the scene – as opposed to driving safely, thus conjuring up images of frantic 999 calls being made to the emergency services, kickstarting Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew into action, who then drove with sirens a blaring and blue lights a flashing, like hell-kicked Sally to the car-tastrophe.
Course, since the car was “almost completely submerged“, the heroic firefighters would be silly not to have done, wouldn’t they?
Amie then continues:
Fortunately the man escaped with his life – but police are now warning drivers of the dangers of using sat navs.
Indeed, looking at that heavily photoshopped snappy-snap the severely suffering driver was very, very lucky to ‘escape with his life‘, let alone drenched ankles.
Moreover, as if any more proof was needed that the average IQ score of your average British Bacon Bugger is 80 – a clear 25 points below the maximum IQ level permitted for Policemen in the UK – Amie hammers home the fact by telling us that the Welsh Police are taking this incident extremely seriously… With added photo proof to boot
Quite why the Welsh BBB are tweeting photoshopped snappy snaps is beyond me but one ‘source‘ close to the Carmarthen Police Commissioner told me that they are now satisfied that the incident wasn’t terror related and the Sat-Nav – arrested at the scene – has now been released on police bail.
And I for one will sleep a lot easier knowing that the BBB are not slacking in their duties.
However, just to further reassure those not convinced that this was not the work of a highly dangerous, 15 year old ISIS terrorist, a police spokesman is quoted by Amie as saying:
‘We received a call at 3.22pm.
‘A rescue team from Carmarthen managed to rescue a male from a vehicle that had become stranded in the water.
‘We’ve had a number of calls to this particular area in the past.’
Members of the crews moved the vehicle to safety.
In November a Mercedes Sprinter van became engulfed by rising flood water in the same spot. Source
And that brought the cutting edge bollox to a close – a fact that I must admit left me fuming to the extent that I began composing a letter of complaint (albeit only in my head) addressed to Banana Dacre demanding that his copywriters up their game.
I mean are we just supposed to guess whether or not paramedics were able to save the drivers shoes & socks?
Worse still, what the fucking fuck happened to the details of where I and others can get Counselling – usually to be found at the end of articles involving such traumatic incidents.
In fact I am that angry and traumatised that you will have to figure out for yourselves where the blatant photoshopping has taken place in the snappy snapz – although obviously due to the maximum permitted IQ level, should any BBB need me to do so, then just drop me an email.