Storm in a teacup

Christopher Spivey.

 

Hi All,

I thought that with all the terrapin attacks taking place in our green and unpleasant land at the moment a site update is called for.

Course, as you know I am currently working on documenting the Westminster Bridge old fanny which just seems never ending. Indeed as it stands at the moment the word count is just short of 67,000 and I still have a way to go.  So, with your average paperback book containing around 60,000 words “A Bridge Too Far” is turning into “War & Peace“.

Mind you, I did tell you that there was an awful lot to document about the fraud, but fuck me, I never dreamed that it would be anywhere near the amount that I have uncovered. However, it is the putting together of the necessary photo batches that is slowing me down more than the writing although obviously they are essential to the narrative.

And on top of that I have been bogged down with other problems not least my sky high blood sugars over the passed month, which any diabetic will tell you lead to extreme fatigue, impaired concentration and an unquenchable thirst.

In fact to give you some idea of how crap I have been feeling my BS readings are on average around 18 with my last reading yesterday being 23… A normal blood sugar level is around 8.

However, to make matters worse I was messing around with my Rottweiler, Buster a couple of weeks back and he accidentally bashed me in the mouth with his fucking great big head, knocking two of my bottom teeth loose. I then began to get an infection in my chin (high blood sugars allow infections to easily take hold) and as a consequence the Dentist took the two teeth out last Thursday.

PHOTO: Buster

Course, there is nothing worse than a Nobby Styles smile so I ain’t smiling for no one at the moment and when I do have to talk I find myself doing a very poor impersonation of Marlon Brando in his role as the Godfather.

Thankfully, the infection has gone now and I was back at the dentist yesterday for x-rays and for him to check on the infection as well a having a general tooth cleaning session.

However, just to piss me off further I obviously didn’t get the two teeth replaced yesterday.

You see – although a lot better in the long run – my dentist wants to replace the teeth with a permanent bridge rather than me have two teeth on a plate… Which is of course much more preferable as far as I am concerned.

But there is a catch. You see he does not think that the two teeth either side of the gap left by the two extracted teeth are strong enough to support the bridge and therefore he wants to remove those two allowing him to to anchor a bridge of four.

Now don’t get me wrong, four teeth on a bridge is still a lot better than having a plate of two teeth as far as I am concerned. The problem that I do have is that following yesterdays appointment I now have to wait another 2 weeks to have the other two teeth taken out along with a mold of the gap being taken for the making of the bridge and then I have to wait another two weeks to have the bridge fitted.

Course, I wasn’t happy with that timeline because it means that by the time the bridge is fitted I will have been 5 weeks without smiling and no one has been able to understand a fucking word I say.

However, when I told the dentist that I wasn’t happy about going so long with such a large gap in my smile he told me not to worry because come the appointment to take the other two teeth out in two weeks time, he will put a temporary row in – which knowing my luck will be carved out of wood or something… That or a strip of white cardboard glued to the teeth either side of the cavern.

Either way you just know that this temporary set up is going to look shite, feel totally alien in my mouth and drive me to distraction.

And to cap it all. It is going to cost me £244 quid that I haven’t got so if you could all buy one of my eBooks, I would be grateful.

But don’t let me bore you.

Now, the Manchester Arena… Total bollox very reminiscent of the Batalan Club in Paris.

You know the one? The one where a concert venue hosting an unknown quantity – but unconvincingly given superstar status by the press for propaganda purposes – fell victim to terrorist attack resulting in countless victims; dead & maimed?

Well the concert at the Bataclan Club hosting the unknown Eagles of Deaf Mental, who were reported in the press as almost being a super-group on a par with the ‘Rolling Stones‘, was exactly the same.

I mean, c’mon! Ariana Grande? Who the fuck is Ariana Grande when she’s at home? I thought the newscaster was talking about a hotel when I heard the first report.

In fact I almost banged my head on my desk when I doubled up in laughter after reading the following taken from a Chimp article:

The mother of Manchester terror victim Olivia Campbell has revealed she told Ariana Grande to ‘sing your heart out’ and play her biggest hits when she met the US singer ahead of last night’s concert.

Charlotte Campbell said the 23-year-old singer ‘wanted to play the non-hits’ and ‘didn’t feel appropriate to dance and to sing’ but she told her: ‘No you sing your heart out. Make everyone get up.’ Source

“Play her biggest hits”!!!

I thought fuck me that will be a quick concert… Mind you Ariana must have thought the same because she stuck to the “non-hits” – a tarted up term of reference for “songs“.

PHOTO: Rio Grande gets an itchy fanny whist singing one of “the non-hits”, or “songs” as they are much more commonly called.

And all that I can add to that is Shame on you Liam Gallagher… But then again, him and his brother sold their soul to the devil a long time ago.

As for the 2nd London bridge attack? Again, fake as fuck with added “conditioning“. I am of course talking about the way that the actors caught up in the drama were marched away in lines with their hands on their heads under the watchful eyes of heavily armed thugs plod… Rather reminiscent of Nazi Germany in fact.

A very real case of Today Actors, Tomorrow The Public.

In fact if it wasn’t for Facebook group pages such as Patriots Worldwide News (PWN) we would be in real trouble.

You see their FB page states:

We aim to get the truth to the ordinary everyday citizen of the world. Political correctness does not work. People deserve and need to hear the truth.

Fine sentiments indeed.

Now I became aware of the Facebook page via a link to one of the videos that PWN were promoting, which was sent to me by one of my own Facebook Friends.

The video was footage of a terrorist survivor talking about her horrific ordeal.

Now it is only fair to tell you that my FB friend sent the link to the video because the woman doing the talking looked familiar to him and he wanted to know if I knew who she is.

Yes I do mate. She is Kay Wilson whom according to herself is:

And Kay Wilson – a London born survivor of an Islamic terror attack – is apparently sending out a message to London’s puppet mayor, Sadass Khan.

Now the only problem that I have with the video is that Kay Wilson is also Cressida Dick… The most powerful policeman in the land.

Cressida Dick started her acting career playing Lois Griffin Jenkins… The foster mother of murdered schoolgirl Billie-Jo Jenkins – a crime for which Lois’s husband, Sean Jenkins was convicted but later acquitted on appeal.

PHOTO: Dick & Dom Lois

The character, Lois Jenkins then went to live in Australia.

Whilst over here she became Cressida Dicks, who after defending a number of hoax events and the Menezes shooting  was rewarded with a “hush,hush” job at MI5 before being given the top job at the Met.

And now she is Kay Wilson too.

What have you got to say about that Robot Rowley, Scotland Yards Head of Counter Terrapinism?

Yes we get it Mr Rowdey, you have trouble with the most basic of tasks but what do you have to say about your boss playing a survivor of a terrapin attack?

Hmmm, thought as much!

Patriots worry me.

So, moving on swiftly and as for the Grenfell Tower Block fire? Well I am glad to see that most of you who comment aren’t buying it.

And while I have not had time to look too closely into the towering inferno, the idea that a concrete structure could ignite like we see in the press photos takes being mugged off to a whole new level.

I mean even if the cladding was combustible it would just melt and drop off. It certainly would not penetrate the original concrete facade – setting just about every single flat alight in the process.

Yet we are suppose to believe that the fire started in some mush’s kitchen after his fridge caught fire, which in turn set the exterior cladding alight, causing an inferno – the likes of which have never been seen before on a concrete structure… Fuck off witcha! I’m not buying that old bollox for one second.

Indeed the story is littered with contradictions and the inevitable “hero” stories.

For instance the Chimp released it’s first story on the arson attack just 20 minutes after the fire brigade had been called:

The fate of the 600 residents of Grenfell Tower was sealed shortly before 12.50am, when the fridge in Flat 16 on the fourth floor apparently exploded into flames.

Neighbour Maryam Adam, 41, who is pregnant, said: ‘He [her neighbour] knocked on the door, and he said there was a fire in his flat. It was exactly 12.50am because I was sleeping and it woke me up.

‘When we got up, I saw outside his flat his luggage – there was a big bag with his clothes.

‘That means he took the stuff from his flat, and then he told the neighbours.

‘The fire was small in the kitchen. I could see it because the flat door was open. There was no alarm.’

At 12.54am, the fire brigade was called, and the first engines arrived within six minutes. But witnesses said that the speed at which the fire tore up the tower was incredible – like ‘a tissue being set alight’.

Samira Lamrini said: ‘The man whose flat it was came out and said it was his flat. He was a slim, tall, white British man.

‘He was pointing at the fire on a lower floor and said, ‘That’s my flat, that’s it’. He said it was his fridge that had exploded.

‘He started filming it on his phone. He was upset but I don’t think he had a clue about the scale of what was happening.

‘After that the fire went up in minutes, it was so fast. The speed with which it took hold was terrifying. It was like a tissue being set alight. It just went whoosh, so quickly. I didn’t see him after that.’.

Now how the fuck could they possibly know all that detail, even with the update at 10:34 am, especially since the fire wasn’t brought under control until midday on the 15th of June?

Nevertheless, the Chimp story is very specific in its detail. For instance we are told that the fire started in Flat 16 and  Flat 16’s neighbour, Maryam Adam said: ‘He [her neighbour] knocked on the door, and he said there was a fire in his flat. It was exactly 12.50am because I was sleeping and it woke me up”.

She also says that she saw the fire in the kitchen and it was “small“, so fuck knows why the fella had packed his bags to leave instead of phoning the fire brigade first or even attempting to put the fire out himself.

Strangely enough, the newspaper didn’t bother to get the flat owners name off Maryam.

We then hear from a mush called Samira Lamrini:

“Samira Lamrini said: ‘The man whose flat it was came out and said it was his flat. He was a slim, tall, white British man.

‘He was pointing at the fire on a lower floor and said, ‘That’s my flat, that’s it’. He said it was his fridge that had exploded.

‘He started filming it on his phone. He was upset but I don’t think he had a clue about the scale of what was happening”.

All a bit coincidental if you ask me… But nevertheless Samira is very specific that the fella was “slim, tall and white British“. And although Samira obviously doesn’t know him from Adam, the fact that the Englishman told her that the fire started in his fridge means that he must – in all likelihood – have been the fella occupying flat 16.

Yet by the 16th that tall, slim white British man had morphed into an dark skinned Ethiopean:

The Ethopian taxi driver whose faulty fridge is alleged to have caused the Grenfell inferno said he will be forever haunted by what happened.

Behailu Kebede, a father of one, raised the alarm after flames took hold in his flat at number 16 on the fourth floor.

Seventeen people have been confirmed killed in the blaze that ripped through the 24-storey block in White City, west London, on Wednesday morning. But it is feared the death toll could soar into the hundreds, with many still missing. 

A friend who spoke to Mr Kebede shortly after the tragic ordeal said the experience was ‘tearing him apart’ and that he was ‘blaming himself even though there was nothing he could do.’ Source

PHOTO: White British apparently

However, the Telegraph stuck with the fridge fire bollox and yesterday (20th June) reported the following:

Firefighters had put out the initial fridge fire at Grenfell Tower and were leaving the building when the blaze suddenly flared up, it has emerged.

Crews believed they had put out the fire at the London high-rise and were astonished to see flames rising up the side of the building, new reports have claimed.

Shortly after dealing with the fridge fire early last Wednesday, firefighters were telling residents that it was out, BBC Panorama reported.

But, soon after, the 24-storey building was consumed by flames in one of Britain’s biggest ever tower block fires that left at least 79 people dead.

Panorama on Monday night reported that firefighters had seen flames “shooting up” the side of the building. Those reports will add weight to claims that it was the cladding on the exterior of Grenfell Tower that caused the fire to spread so rapidly. Source

Now if the firemen said the fire was out then it was out and they would have known that it hadn’t spread to the outside building. Therefore the fact that it had made no sense at all.

Although to be fair, the firemen touted in the press do not look like firemen to me.

Indeed they are the cleanest, most relaxed firemen known to man.

Yet despite the photo being taken directly below the tower block the grass looks pristine and the pathways are clean as you like whereas with all the water used and hundreds of emergency workers running around left right and center, the place should look like a quagmire.

Photo: The garden looks a lot nicer than mine and I get grubbier walking the boy to school than they get fighting a towering inferno.

Mind you, I don’t think that they used water to tackle the blaze.

They did in fact use light sabers.

Not that they looked like any firemen that I have ever seen or come into contact with.

“You alright Dave”?

“No”.

PHOTO: Two very clean firemen hug in a manly way as they are overcome with grief.

PHOTO: Cleanliness is next to godliness… No need to cry son. 

So how did the fire become so fierce? The only answer that I can come up with is that the place must have been primed with an fire-accelerant.

I mean the old bollox being touted about it being the aluminium cladding being responsible is breathtaking.

Indeed it would also seem that the press are trying to pin the blame for the fire on the cladding company who did the work.

Further questions were raised yesterday Rydon Construction, the company contracted to carry out £10million refurbishment which was completed in March last year, appeared to change their statement about the tragedy.Rydon released a statement saying it met all “fire regulation and health and safety standards” during the refurbishment in 2016.

However a later statement omitted this line ans simply said the company had “met all required building regulations”.The company paid £3million to install the cladding, Harley Curtain Wall Ltd, has since gone bust after one of their customers refused to pay them almost £500,000 for disputed work. 

The director of the company, Ray Bailey, who has since started a new firm Harley Facades Limited, said that they had used a common Aluminium Composite Material (ACM) panels which are a commonly used product in the refurbishment industry. 

Yet the cladding company do not choose which product to use… And like I said earlier, the cladding would melt not catch fire:

Aluminium and its alloys are the most commonly used non-ferrous metal materials and they find wide application in transport, building, packaging, general and electrical engineering. The excellent physical and mechanical properties of aluminium alloys lead to their widespread use. The alloys are light but strong and their use in transport saves fuel over the whole of the vehicle lifetime.

The alloys can be fabricated or cast by all conventional
processes, joined by welding or adhesive bonding and given a variety of surface coatings. These coatings, together with the inherent high degree
of resistance to corrosion by the alloys, allow the use of aluminium components in aggressive environments.

Finally, after use even over many years, the aluminium can be recycled, with a saving of energy of 95% of that required through the primary smelter production route. Because of the widespread use of aluminium alloys in building, transport, home appliances and offshore structures, it is necessary to address the issue of aluminium and fire and to answer the question, ‘does aluminium burn?’.

The answer is, of course, “No”. Each year hundreds of thousands of tonnes of aluminium scrap are fed into remelt furnaces and heated up to and beyond the melting point. The aluminium melts when the temperature exceeds the melting point, it does not burn. If it did, the recycling of aluminium would not be possible. Source

Therefore it could only have been the very thin plastic-like coating cover the aluminum sheets that caught fire albeit once again, that should have melted.

So how did the fire travel so fast when it had nothing to take hold of?

No seriously… What is that fire streak which travels in nice straight diagonal lines?

Had to be an accelerant didn’t it.

Yet how did they attach the accelerant? I mean residents would have noticed the kind of activity needed to make the place a fire death trap.

Course, it could have been added to the building when the cladding was done… These engineered disasters are planned years ahead don’t forget and the cladding was only completed a year ago.

Yet if that was the case then the cladding firm/fitters would have had to have been in on plot… Which when you consider that the blame is being laid at the cladding firms door – despite it not being them who choose the product – and giving mind to the following, it isn’t too far fetched to believe that they were the culprits:

The company paid £3million to install the cladding, Harley Curtain Wall Ltd, has since gone bust after one of their customers refused to pay them almost £500,000 for disputed work. 

See? Making the firm out to be a bunch of dodgy traders yet a company capable of winning £3 million pound contracts does not go bust for disputed work worth £500,000.

Nevertheless, having an accelerant behind the cladding would still only burn the outside of the building. Therefore photos of the interior had to be photoshopped or the places were empty… Although I tend to go with a bit of both.

I love that last photo, just casually strolling around taking pictures whilst all around isolated fires still burned intensely.

And of course if the information found at the following link HERE is genuine then an application to have the place demolished was put in back in 2014 which would mean the tenants were being rehoused, despite the claim that the block had 600 residents… That is 600 residents to 120 flats… Five people to each flat?

Certainly there would not be severely disabled people living on the upper floors so the stories of heroism in regard to people carrying the disabled down from the upper floors are bollox

Nevertheless, according to the Chimp there are an average 6 flats per floor made up of four 2 beds and two 1 beds.

Therefore there is some serious overcrowding going on in that tower block with the council having a statutory duty to rehouse those living in an overcrowded home.

Course, the shit-rag has really muddied the waters with that photo.

I mean the photo info describes the tower block as “The 27-storey Grenfell building“.

However, the actual drawing of the building shows the top floor being the 21st with the 1st floor actually being the 3rd floor making it a 24 storey tower.

Course, 21 floors of flats with 6 flats per floor totals 126 flats.

However, the day before the Chimp AKA the British Governments Propaganda Wing claimed that there were 120 flats spread over 24 floors

Course, 120 flats over 24 floors makes 5 flats to a floor and the drawing shows the flat that the fire started in as being on the 4th floor with the big windows which is what I pointed out earlier.

However, the drawing does not show the ground floor and instead starts with the 1st floor which would mean that it is only a 23 storey tower block, thus the Chimp has now described the tower as being 27 storeys, 24 storeys and 23 storeys.

Nevertheless, with the 4th floor in the drawing above being the 1st floor in the drawing above that, i.e the 1st floor of flats, you have to wonder how the flat being dipicted as the fire-starter can be flat number 16.

You see, the floor where flat number 16 is being shown should in fact house flats 1-6. Meantime flats on the 2nd floor which is the 5th floor would be flats 7-13. In turn, the 3rd floor more commonly known as the 6th floor would house flat numbers  14 – 20 and the 4th floor aka the 7th floor would have flat numbers 21-27.

And of course that would mean that you would find flat number 16 on either the 3rd or 6th floor but definitely not the 4th or 7th floor… Understand?

Of course you fucking do.

Course, to make matters even more confusing count the floors in the before and after photos below.

And all that of course gives the story tellers (or should that be Storey Tellers) an awful lot of room for maneuver.

Moreover, it has just been announced by the Chimp that Kensington Council have now solved the problem of where to house their burnt out tenants:

Around 250 homeless and beleaguered survivors of the devastating Grenfell Tower fire will be rehoused permanently inside a £2billion luxury Kensington development, it was revealed today.

Now straight away why do they refer to individuals rather than the number of families? That makes no sense whatsoever unless they are 250 single people which would mean that the council has acquired 250 flats… But it hasn’t:

The 68 one, two and three bedroom properties have been bought for just £10million and will provide refuge for families who lost everything in the blaze that killed 79 people a week ago.

Just over three and a half people per flat then. Course we are talking posh London here so how the fuck did the council acquire 68 flats for a bargain £10 Million:

Apartments in the Kensington Row development are currently on the market for between £1.5million and £8.5 million.

But developer St Edward has sold the 68 flats at ‘cost’ price even though they have a market value of around £160million.

Fuck me, he must be Santa Clause although I fail to see how £160 Million project can have only involved a £10 Million outlay

The 250 Grenfell residents – around half of its population – are currently in hotels or in extreme cases believed to be sleeping rough in parks or in their cars.

Well that is another 100 lopped off the original 600 residents before you even start taking into consideration the dead and dying.

But even so, why would any of them be sleeping rough or in their cars when the council has to provide them with temporary accommodation by law? Even if that means putting them in temporary accommodation in another borough.

But from the end of July they will living in the development on Kensington High Street lauded as ‘one of London’s most sought after new addresses’.

The apartments have large rooms and balconies offering panoramic views of London and residents also have access to a swimming pool, sauna, cinema and gym.

Fuck off witcha!

The deal is said to have been financed by the City of London Corporation who immediately handed the flats to Kensington and Chelsea Borough Council, who have been so heavily criticised since Britain’s worst fire for a generation. 

The 68 flats for the Grenfell survivors was announced just before Theresa May apologised for the failures by local and national government in responding to the fire. Source

And since there are clearly more than 68 flats in the development I bet Mr Posh Knob is chuffed to fuck having shelled out £8 Million Squids for his new family home only to find himself living next door to a Somalian crack den.

Having said that, according to the Chimp the people seen in the photo below are now homeless, Grenfell residents.

The smoking tower block in the background is especially poignant although the arrowed bird is going to fit right in with her new neighbours.

And it would appear that Dirty Gertie from Number 30 is already doing a bit of hobnobbing with the toffs and has persuaded Emily Clarkson, daughter of posh-knob Jeremy to carry her clobber for her.

And with other Grenfell residents being badly photoshopped, Michael Obama doppelgangers I don’t suppose That Mr Posh Knob need worry too much.

Mind you, the photos of Prime Mincer, Terence May’s visit to the tower were also photoshopped.

Meantime the spin-off stories surrounding the tower block fire go from the sublime to the ridiculous.

And I am talking about totally bollox stories such as the mother who threw her baby out of the 9th floor window… Although the 9th floor could have been as low as the 6th floor or as high as the 12th:

Mrs Lamrini said: ‘A woman shouted down frantically for someone to help her baby. A man came with a blanket and waited down below. Amazingly he caught the baby, which looked OK. The child was about 11 months old.

Because you would throw a baby out of your window into the pitch black rather than carry it down 9 staircases

After all, there isn’t much damage below the 9th floor, but then again the central core staircase was impassible wasn’t it. In fact it was described as being “Pitch black, unbearably hot, smoke filled and cluttered“… Really?

Indeed if that is the case then the landlords will be going to prison for a long time. I mean lets take the “cluttered” part for starters. Now I live in a 3 storey block of flats but try leaving something outside your front door and see how long it takes before you get a letter through your letter-box telling you to move it.

As for pitch black? Well all internal communal stairways in council blocks must by law have emergency lighting in case of fire. And sure enough, in the 3 or 4 power cuts that we have had while I have been living here, the communal stair lights have remained on.

And finally, how many fire doors do you reckon that there were between the central stair well and the fire? Yet Mummy of the year opened her window and shouted “catch“.

Mind you, that story is tame compared to the one about the “jumpers” using bin bags as parachutes.

Others tied bed sheets together to try to form ropes while some attempted to make parachutes out of bin liners.

Residents had been advised to stay in their flats and await rescue. But for those who did, the ferocity of the blaze meant they almost certainly perished.  Source

Now then! Who advised the residents to stay in their flats? Did they send a couple of coppers up first to knock on peoples doors and tell them to stay inside?

Course, to add to the drama the smoke was poisonous… Least it is now:

The insulation used on Grenfell Tower‘s cladding came with a warning it would give off toxic fumes if burned, it has emerged.

It is feared cladding fixed to the outside of the 24-storey tower block before the blaze may have allowed the fire to spread quickly, trapping and killing at least 79 residents.

Developers have been accused of using a cheaper, more flammable cladding on the outside the building to save money.

But it has also emerged that the insulation used beneath the cladding, called Celotex RS5000, also came with fire safety warning. Source  Source

Fuck me! you would have to be gullible to believe that

And to be fair there are an awful lot of ‘gullible’ people about… It kinda makes you wonder why the word isn’t in the English dictionary.

Nevertheless, we are not far off the press blaming Muslims for just about anything and everything, which the gullible will accept as fact.

For instance, there are reports coming in that five people have been killed by the recent bout of terror storms to hit England & Wales… However, there are no reports of the number of casualties involved at this time although the number is expected to be around ‘lots‘.

It has also been announced that the threat level of further storms has been raised to critical with police ordering people to stay indoors on the basis of “you never know“.

A Downing Street Source close to the Prime Mincer, Mr Terrance Maybe-Maybe-Knot, informed me earlier that he/she is set to chair an emergency meeting of COBBLERS, after it emerged that senior members of London’s Met Office knew about the storms but failed to act on the information by neglecting to warn the public of the threat to life.

The following snippet is taken from from the UK’s premier experts on old bollox, the Daily Chimpanzee:

Five people have been killed by fierce storms ravaging the country as voters face fresh downpours with thunder and lightning set to strike on polling day.

A 42-year-old man was killed on Tuesday night when a tree fell on his car on the A85 in Gilmerton, Perth and Kinross. A 48-year-old man died in Hampshire on Tuesday morning in similar conditions. 

And three workmates were killed on Monday afternoon when their van came off the road and overturned in extreme weather on the A38 in Plymouth.

Further showers are expected tomorrow which could be heavy and thundery in the North West.  

The torrential downpours could deter voters from turning up at polling stations in what is expected to be the wettest day of a miserable week. Source

I can also report that Police are treating the storms as all being acts of terror, although it is believed that they have not yet been able to establish any connection between the heavy rain and Muslim extremists.

However, one well placed ‘source’ pointed out that there are Weather Forecasters operating in this country at the moment with unpronounceable names such as Behnaz Akhgar, which he further ventured could possibly be Muslim Rhyming Slang for Allahu Akbar (God is Great), before cryptically asking: “And who is ultimately responsible for nature“?

And as we all know, the government have previously manage to reek havoc in the simple minds of the masses by using connections much weaker than that one.

Meantime, as pressure groups call on the government to issue free umbrellas for all children of school age or over, the head of one government department aligned with the Homo Office, who asked not to be named said that Mr May – or possibly Mrs may, “hard to tell” – would certainly be ordering senior members of the Met Office to prepare a report looking into ways of banning rain from entering the country, during the course of the scheduled COBBLERS meeting… “Especially rain originating via Middle Eastern weather patterns”.

And a week on from the Terror Storms, harrowing images are beginning to emerge of those caught up in the lightning attacks.

PHOTO: A man is seen fleeing in terror from the Jihadi Storms in scenes reminiscent of the terrorist attack on Parliament. 

PHOTO: The terror storms sent an icy chill through those caught up in the heavy rain, sparking scenes frighteningly similar to those caught up in the the damp squib that took place on the 22nd of March 2017.

Today a Senior Police Spokesman – in charge of repairing the wheels of the constabularies fleet of bicycles – said that following the deluge, a number of armed police officers have been deployed at the Gates of Westminster Palace tasked with the job of making regular sweeps of the area.

PHOTO: Police armed with stiff brooms and fully loaded shovels sweep the area immediately around the Palace Gates

The Spokesman refused to be drawn on whether the officers involved had been given expert training via the Council but did add that with the threat of rain still a real possibility all officers from the Mets elite, Department of Flower Carriers had been temporarily armed and redeployed to the ‘Wet Branch‘ – more commonly known as the “Water Rats“.

The Orifficer who declined to be named added: “There will be no more flower carrying for the next few weeks at least, but our Orifficers – fully armed with traditional brooms and back up shovels – are authourised to mention ‘Anjem Choudary’ at every given opportunity”.

PHOTO: A woman thought to be part of the ISIS terror group a Muslim was seen in the background throughout the duration of the faked photo.

And back homo in its Cuntstituancy, Terry Orange – fresh from his/her erection humiliation – flanked by a mush with a clip-board, and a Muslim looking man, reported to be her adviser on foreign weather patterns as well as the Prime Mincers, Chief Protection Officer – Daft Ada – would not be drawn on proposals to combat the Muslim Terror Storms but insisted that “Strong & Stable” leadership were what was needed at this time to prevent the floodgates opening.

PHOTO: Agent Orange sporting an extra long right arm sparked barely concealed mirth amongst reporters when she uttered that “Strong & Stable” leadership were what was needed at this time to stop the “piss-flaps” opening, before correcting his/her self with the word “floodgates”.

Agent Orange then gave his/her staunch supporter a cheery wave with his/her extra long right arm before being escorted to his/her official Jag in what has been rumoured to be a half-hearted attempt to do as he/she has been advised i.e. fuck off.

That concludes this special news update.

Just sayin’.