Snot News

Christopher Spivey


This article is an appeal in support of the Daily Chimpanzee who are desperately in need of real stories.

Indeed, so hard up is the shit-rag that their webshite is now prominently displaying their plight at the top of their news feed page.

And whilst I have no real desire to help the useless cunts out, I must confess that I am motivated by purely selfish reasons.


In other words they are driving me absolutely fucking potty with their badly written, far-fetched, puerile nonsense that they are flooding their morally bankrupt pages with.

Worse still, it would seem that the once mighty newspaper has fallen foul of practical jokers who continually prey on the Chimp’s journalists dumbed down staff by constantly feeding them what is commonly known as absolute bollox.

Indeed, today’s offerings are typical of the bullshit that the Monkey-Kuntz are having to rely on just to survive, although I can categorically state that rumours of Banana Dacre paying cash in hand to their comment moderators – who due to ever-increasing demand now make up the majority of Chimp Staff – are completely untrue… Probably.

However, to give you some idea of just how bad it has got, the Chimpanzee’s child-like photo editors have taken to using “Harrowing” photos on their top articles (on this occasion about drug dealers in Singafuckingpore), that interest the under-excitable British public in no way, shape or form, despite the Chimp-Chumps doing their level best – which really is piss poor – to try to sexy up the old shite.


How ‘Harrowed’ are you by those ‘Harrowing’ photos exclusively staged by the Press Association? Personally, I have never been so ‘Harrowed’ in my whole fucking life, even though I haven’t had it yet. Nevertheless, a quick check on Google Maps soon reveals that the photos were not taken in Harrow… Unfortunately, the Monkey-Researchaz couldn’t check their ‘facts’ because they have all been moved over to Comment Moderation.


Sadly, as if their non-harrowing, staged photos were not bad enough, their fairy tales are even worse.

For example, the hoax slaughter of a French Conspiracy theorist has dominated their webshite for the last couple of days, yet in their desperation for news and unable to check the facts, the Chimp-Suckerz have swallowed the details given over by the practical jokers as being gospel.


Now that is not funny and could not have been less accurate for a national newspaper than since it was reported that I won the 800 Meters at the 2004 Olympics


Course, the Chimp’s fake tale should have been picked up on before it got anywhere near their Webshite.

I mean it is blatantly obvious that the two fellas in the main photo are Jewish, not Muslim.

Dacre’s Dunces should also be grown up enough to reason that their masters are the only people on earth who know where to find these ISIS publications so why bother giving the dozen or so ISIS egotists the publicity that they crave?

Nevertheless, having got passed moderation adviser/fact checker, Fat Norman – or Chubby Checker as he is referred to behind his back – it should still have been noticed by someone that the square-jawed simpleton in a £4.99 JD Sports sweatshirt is not a priest, and just because another bod who is inexplicably the same person has been photoshopped into the photo, that fact will still not change.


Likewise, Fatty Norman Orangutan should have also smelled something shitty – before flinging it – by the fact that the murdered Conspiracy Theorist was in the wrong place at the wrong time, having stood in for an unlikely looking French Priest, with an unpronounceable name.


If like the caption says, they are Soldiers, then how the fuck can they be Terrapins

The story got more bizarre still with the introduction of a couple of Nuns used for human shields and despite Nerdy Norman’s limited intellect he should still have been bright enough to figure out that if these Terrapin attacks – that have no benefit whatsoever to the Dirty Dozen – take a year or so to plan, then how the fuck did they forget to take their video camera with them resulting in the Mossad Two having to ask a member of the congregation to film them hacking Simple Simon to death, before thanking the fella for doing so by kindly hacking him to pieces… And I still haven’t seen the film in question.

Still, at least in Awaywif Dafairies Land the Mossad Two waited until they were old enough to grow beards before doing the do, although they didn’t –  having first become cut-throat Terrapins at the tender age of 9, at which point they were radishalised and cajoled into joining the wanks of ISIS, no doubt with promises of rewards such as Mr Tumbles Spotty Bags to keep their sweets in.


However, judging by the photo below, Norman the Nutter does not have the intellect to realise that two lesbians with their arms around each other, looking at some photoshopped flowers [not] placed at the crime scene does not make the old fanny true.


Indeed, Numb-Nuts Norman should have known by now that the old LBCT or LBW or LLCOOLJ – or whatever the fuck it is that the gay agenda control centre is called – have the worldwide monopoly on providing the emotionally crippled actors for the government’s fraud stories.


And don’t get me started on the children being used to further push this insidious propaganda. Indeed, if you want my opinion these poor children are all in danger of suffering “future emotional harm”… Unsurprisingly, there is never a Social Wanker round when you need one.

I mean take the girl in the photo below forced to sit on some perverts shoulders on November 1st 2015.


And then the poor thing was made to do it again a fortnight later.


It’s n’fuckin wonder she looks so tense.

But at least these Young Turks… Or Syrians… Or Germans… Or whatever nationality they aren’t, are all mates.


Course, every time that the Chimp reports bollox it adds a stocking filler article warning that the next atwocity will be on home ground… Inevitably it isn’t but at least they are consistent having done so since 2012.


Fortunately I can assure you all that the scare mongering is just evil pie in the sky.

You are therefore perfectly safe to go to your chosen place of tall tales if you so wish, although I am fucked if I will ever go into a church again having been once to see what all the fuss was about… The place was heaving with smug nonces, don’t cha know.

Gave me the fucking willies I can tell you.


Mind you, I cannot vouch for nudist swimming baths… Not after what the Monkey-Boyz claim happened in germany anyway.


Are these Monkey Clownz for real!

I mean c’mon… Monkey-Norm must have been hiding in a cupboard in case of ISIS attack when the Clinker-Pickers published that shite. After all, even if you buy the “Akoona Macana” or whatever it is that no self-respecting terrapin would ever shout, the story still has more holes than a raggedy string vest.

For example: “The Muslim gang were fluent in German, but also threatened people in Arabic”

Why? As in if they were fluent in German, why would they issue threats in Arabic?

How? As in how do these naked Helga’s know that they were being threatened in Arabic? Is Arabic taught in German schools?

And as I say, the old Allahu Akbar is just cringey and  the story would in fact have been a lot more credible had they been shouting: Aloha Acan See Ya Flaps Ta.

Total tosh, so let me be the first to donate an article to Dacre’s Dunces – there ya go boys, you can find it by clicking HERE

Mind you, now that I have written this I am a bit concerned on account of the Chimps scaremongering, that my Clay has either been radishalised or fallen prey to the LWT or L-O-L-O or BLT or whatever the fuck it is that the LGBT are called

You see that little boy? Now that is real, that is what life is all about, not this made up old bollox that these cunts are ramming down our throat on a daily basis… They are evil as is their agenda.

They have to go… Nuff said.