Shit Son! I can’t make it.

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The Daily Mail with a little help from their friend and dedicated to Mrs Gojam.

Wouldn’t cha fucking know it! I’d just got nicely started on trying to get the NSPCC/Grosskopf article boxed off when me fucking phone rings.

“What?” I bark.

“Hi Chris, its Sara Malm from the Daily Mail“, comes the voice from the other end of the phone.

What”? I bark again.

“Chris! Stop saying ‘what’ and then barking”, she replies. “Look, I know you’re busy, but I have to write this article on QE2, and to be Frank, I’m making a right cunt of myself… Any chance you can do a Tonk on me”?

“I suppose so Frank”, I sighed. Well, how could I refuse a damsmell in distress?

Queen cancels more engagements as she continues to recover from illness – Talk about putting it on.

  • Queen will not attend any public engagements for the rest of the week
  • She will continue to carry out her royal duties from Buckingham Palace
  • Appeared in good spirits signing Commonwealth charter yesterday
  • Monarch, 86, spent 24 hours in hospital last week being treated for illness

By SARA FRANK  MALM CHRIS BARKING SPIVEY

The Queen has cancelled all engagements scheduled for this week as she recovers from her recent illness, Buckingham Palace said. 

However, Buckingham Palace neglected to say that the only engagement the lazy bitch had on was a dinner party round Chas and Daves Camilla De Villes.

In reality, She was well enough to go to that as long as she took her rubber ring with her, but the truth is, neither she nor The Duck can stand Big Ears and Horse Face.

The 86-year-old was taken to hospital last Sunday after displaying symptoms of gastroenteritis, and spent 24 hours under doctors’ observation – The symptoms in this case being a fucking swollen, chaffed, big red starfish.

She will not attend any public engagements but will still be carrying out her official duties from within Buckingham Palace, it was announced today.

I should just point out that her official duties consist  of watching Jeremy Kyle followed by ‘This Morning’* with that nice chap Philip Schofield.

*Except Thursday when David Ickes on the show (A Royal insider tells me that Bizzy cannot stand David. Something or other to do with him comparing her to an Old Dragon)

n recovery: The Queen, pictured with the winner of the 'Queen's Gold Medal for Poetry', John Agard, at Buckingham Palace earlier today, has cancelled all public engagements for this weekIn recovery: The Queen, pictured with the winner of the ‘Queen’s Gold Medal for Poetry’, John Agard, at Buckingham Palace earlier today, has cancelled all public engagements for this week.

Yes all right Sara, we have established that already. She cancelled a fucking mug of tea and a bun with Dobby and Dobbin. Hardly knackering is it?

Now if you don’t mind, I will carry on… I’m doing you the favour remember. I have other shit to write about shit, don’t cha know.

The Queen wore a matching Red Dress* which obviously matched the colour of her sore bottom, to meet a noncey looking poet called John Haggard-Looking… Or something like that anyway (I do wish Bizzy Lizzy would get some nice friends for once).

*I felt it best to describe her clothing before Sara does, since apparently to be a credible journalist, you have to describe what the subject of the article is wearing in the accompanying photographs… And I have little enough credibility as it is.

Earlier today the Queen held an audience with writer John Agard, awarding him the ‘Queen’s Gold Medal for Poetry’, at Buckingham Palace.

Tell me Sara Balmy? You don’t suffer from Alsimer Alsation Allzimmers  short term memory loss do you?

Yesterday, the Queen made her first public appearance in a week as she signed the Commonwealth’s historic charter to mark Commonwealth Day.

Oh you definitely suffer from hearing loss I see. Still, I told you that the old fraud was swinging the lead… Or in her case Gold.

Funny how just two days ago your propaganda rag’s  headline about the fucking old Trout declared her “Back to her best”… We all know why she was fit enough to sign that fucking document though, don’t we Balmy?

She looked relaxed as she greeted the guests in attendance at Marlborough House in central London, and did not appear to be in discomfort.

Proving beyond all doubt that the old smooth flat pebble between the arse cheeks remedy, really does work.

Earlier in the day, the monarch had been forced to cancel her attendance at the annual Commonwealth Day service – for the first time in 20 years – as she still displayed symptoms of gastroenteritis I.E She was still ‘Sharting’ but proving beyond all doubt that the old Vaseline under the nose remedy, really does work for those who were in sharting distance of the smelly old cow.

This week’s scheduled public engagements include a visit London’s Tech City tomorrow and attending a chapel service on Thursday, but other members of the Royal Family will now take her place.

Pfffftt!. As if… What she means is that she’s letting her parasitic paedophile 2nd Child Andrew Porchester take her place. He needs a few Bob now that he’s been sacked as the UK’s Raving Ambassador… It did him good taking her place though. Being at TechCity, the thick fuck finally learned how to Tweet.

 

Never the less, tell ’em the truth about cancelling the Tea & Belgium Bun she was going to have at the Mad Hatters tea party Sara. Tell ’em how she couldn’t find anyone to take her place for that.

In fact, I do believe that she even asked Porchester’s gruesome twosome, her Granddaughters Bog-eyes and Goofy, who both said “yes please Granny”.

That is, until they found out that it was around Uncle Big Ears and Uncle Camillas – Then they said “Fuck That! Try stitching us up again and we’ll knock the Granny out of you”.

At the helm: Although the monarch has cancelled all public appearances she will continue to carry out her royal duties from within Buckingham PalaceAt the helm: Although the monarch has cancelled all public appearances she will continue to carry out her royal duties from within Buckingham Palace

Did you actually read that piece I did with Tonks Sara? I say that because I should tell ya that there are a few things that tend to make me see red… And I’m not talking about Bizzy Lizzy’s Anus Horribilis.

Resting: Despite appearing in good spirits yesterday, the Queen has cancelled a visit to London's Tech City tomorrow and a chapel service on ThursdayResting: Despite appearing in good spirits yesterday, the Queen has cancelled a visit to London’s Tech City tomorrow and a chapel service on Thursday

SINCE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY FUCKING DEAF I WILL SHOUT YOU USELESS CUNT. STOP FUCKING REPEATING YOURSELF… Sorry, sorry… I’m sorry Sara. Please, no more repeats okay? … I’m sorry… Just lay off the repeats though. There’s a good boy.

The Queen said the charter was a significant milestone on the Commonwealth's journey of development and renewal

Despite still getting over gastroenteritis the Queen signed the Commonwealth Charter at Marlborough House, London

Despite still getting over gastroenteritis the Queen signed the Commonwealth Charter at Marlborough House

FUCK YOU SARA. ONE MORE AND I’M OUT OF HERE YOU FUCKING SYCOPHANTIC ROYAL ARSE WIPER.

 

Smiling again: At the ceremony at Marlborough House where she signed the charter the Queen was shown a collection of Commonwealth flagsSmiling again (its wind): At the ceremony at Marlborough House where she signed the charter the Queen was shown a collection of Commonwealth flags.

The Palace said in a statement: ‘The Queen continues to make a good recovery – HUH??? – following her recent illness, and today she presented the Queen’s Gold Medal for Poetry and held a series of audiences… 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,… And breathe Spivey… I’m fine.. Really, I’m fine.

But erm… Call me The Duck if ya want, but I’m a bit fucking confused? So let me get this straight. She was well enough to go out after coming out of the Devil Worship Place – albeit with a stone up her bum – but now she isn’t well enough!!! Tell me Sara? Is the Queen quare?

‘However, regrettably, she will no longer attend the Tech City engagement planned for tomorrow, or the Soldiers’ and Airmen’s Scriptures Association Service at the Guards Chapel on Thursday.

YAWN… I have no intention of biting Sara.

‘The Duke of York will represent The Queen at the Tech City visit, and The Duke of Edinburgh will attend the Guards Chapel Service as planned.

Yeah, yeah, whatever… Blah, blah, fucking  blah… Get on with it Sara Frank Malm… Fuck me, I bet your single.

Pictured: The Queen uses some vodoo shit to appoint her two new Royal Bottom Wipers.

 

Her Majesty will, however, continue with the usual rhythm of business at Buckingham Palace, including holding a Privy Council meeting tomorrow.

Or put another way, she will be spending the morning in the Privvy with her two new Bottom Wipers – both of whom are council house kids.

‘The Queen hopes to resume her programme of official engagements next week.

If her ring piece has eased up.

‘ The monarch, who turns 87 next month, spent 24 hours in hospital the Devil Worshipping Place last week being treated for the illness Shits which leaves sufferers with vomiting and diarrhoea. She was struck down by the stomach bug just over a week ago, and spent last Sunday night at the private King Edward VII’s Hospital Devil Worshipping Place in central London before being because of discharged on until Monday.

It would be entirely routine for him to assess the Queen in this way, in addition to the care she is receiving from the private hospital's own staffCancelled: The Queen had been due to attend the Commonwealth Day Observance at London’s Westminster Abbey but the visit was called off

Exit: The smiling Queen left King Edward VII Hospital this afternoon and thanked staff for their care over the past 24 hoursExit: The smiling Queen leaving King Edward VII Hospital Devil Worshipping Place last week. She thanked Staff The High Priestess for their care over the 24 hour stay

Concerns were raised about the Queen’s general well-being as it was the first time she had been admitted to hospital attended the Devil Worshipping Place in almost 10 years 4 months. The last time being when Gold-Digger-Smith pretended to be ill and they hung that nurse.

However, those concerns were limited to the Daily Mail and a few million morons who were all dying to get back up her arse as soon as it got better.

But she left the hospital Devil Worshipping Place looking well and cheerful. – As you do having just eaten a newly sacrificed baby, whose poor mother had been told was still born.

Her engagements for last week were cancelled, including a brief visit to Rome to meet Italy’s president. It is always touch and go as to whether Silvio Berlusconi is back in power or back in court.  

A Buckingham Palace spokeswoman said: ‘This time last week she was in hospital but she’s in great spirits and apart from thise Shits is in good health. ‘It’s just the under the tail end of the area symptoms,  her arse condition has not worsened at all around there.’

SPIV GETS THE LAST WORD I notice that belt buckle is no longer on display… Hmmm, wonder why that is?

PS. Sara Helm, you almost make Tonk the Twonk look professional, don’t cha fucking know.