Apr 18 2018
Just a quick reminder to all of those loyal friends of mine who have bought my paperback book: “Never Mind The Sex Pistols, Here’s The Bollocks“, to please leave an all important review on Amazon.
Those of you fair-weather-friends who haven’t, why haven’t you? Do you not read books on your way to work, in your dinner hour, on an evening, or while taking a dump? Would it kill you to do so? Do I not deserve a very much needed cash injection after all that I have done? Just asking.
I will remind you that this is a big read for a fair price and has nothing to do with conspiracy. The book is actually the first of three very funny – even if I do say so myself – novels based around fact and will be as follows:
“Never Mind The Sex Pistols, Here’s The Bollocks”: A spoof story, charting The Sex Pistols rise to fame.
“The Great Cock ‘n’ Bull Swindle”: A continuation of the toilet humour riddled spoof charts The Sex Pistols at the top of their game.
“Floggin’ A Dead Whore“: Documenting the downfall of the group and all those involved in the spoof story.
You can buy “Never Mind The Sex Pistols” at the following links:
UK Customers click HERE
US Customers click HERE
I will also remind you that non of the three books will be appearing on this site since they are works of fiction, albeit based around true events.
The story-line is as follows:
A fact based story so incredible, it must be bollocks.
Set mainly in the mid – late 1970’s, ‘Never mind the Sex Pistols here’s the Bollocks’ is the first of three parody’s of the Punk rock pioneers, The Sex Pistols, and their rise to fame, life at the top and finally their downfall. The band is made up of snobbish, upper class twit, Jonathan Smythe Lydon, the group’s founder and lead singer, Glen Fiddich on Bass Guitar, Steve Jones the groups Lead Guitarist & heir to the Smiths Crisps dynasty and last but by no means least, the groups rapidly ageing, extremely bitter drummer Peter Cook – the ex-partner of legendary film star and comedian, Ilkley Moore.
When the bands Scottish manager, the extremely tight fisted Malcolm Max Claren orders Jonathan to sack Bass Guitarist Glen Fiddich, the singer uses the opportunity to bring his adopted Brother Syd Fishers into the band. The fact that the fiery, glue addicted, speech impaired Syd can’t play a note makes no difference.
Indeed, ever since the day that Jonathan’s father, ex-crime lord & Irish Terrorist, Paddy Lydon had found Syd in a pram outside a shop, Jon has used his adopted brother as his personal slave. Even the fact that Jons girlfriend, Ann Hecky and Syd’s girlfriend, Nancy ‘Spunk on’ Spunken are best friends & next door neighbours doesn’t stop Jonathan treating Syd like a dog.
Meantime, while the London based band are busy dreaming of fame and fortune, across the Atlantic American Mafia Don, Ryvita Bogieoné, receives a phone call from his godson, Paul Angerfunkel.
Paul Angerfunkel, A talented singer- songwriter, had first found worldwide fame with his brother Simon as the imaginatively named duo, Paul and Simon Angerfunkel.
However, Five years previous to this phone call, Paul’s jealousy of his brother’s popularity had caused the pair to go their separate ways. As it turned out, the split had sent Simon Angerfunkel’s career sky rocketing, while Paul’s career had gone from bad to worse. So much so in fact that he was now in danger of becoming a forgotten man.
Despite the brothers not speaking for years, Paul in desperation to get his career back on track had rung Simon out of the blue to see if he would consider doing a one off, reunion single.
Simon had agreed but taken his brothers request as an opportunity to belittle him. Enraged, Paul had rung Don Bogieoné straight after, requesting his godfather to have Simon murdered.
The Mafia Kingpin had reluctantly agreed to Paul’s request but in order to distance himself from such a high profile crime had decided to use Simon Angerfunkel’s forthcoming London concert as the venue for the hit and enlisted the services of the much feared London crime family the Kray Quins to carry out the task… The Quin’s, Ronnie, Reggie, Robbie, Roger & Dave are the nephews of the legendary Eastend gangsters, Ronnie & Reggie Kray.
The eldest and by far the most dangerous quin, Ronnie Kray Jr, rules his brothers and cronies with an iron fist. Desperate to form an alliance with the American Mafia Don, Ronnie Kray jr readily agrees to carry out the hit. He then entrusts the all-important deed to the notorious, semi-retired, Geordie gangster, Frank Frazer – Frazer, having once been the loyal enforcer for retired gang leader Paddy Lydon.
However, when the concert is suddenly cancelled Frazer breaths a huge sighs of relief. His relief however is short lived because Ronnie doesn’t give up on anything that easy. Worse still, unbeknown to Paul Angerfunkel, The Mob and the Quins alike, The FBI have also got wind of the assassination plan but in order to make sure that they have a water tight case against the slippery Ryvita Bogieone they are content to monitor the situation for now and let the plot go right to the wire.
To add to the mayhem, both Glen Fiddich (enraged at being sacked and replaced by Syd) and Hollywood cock-throb, Ilkley Moore (outraged after being slagged off in the newspapers by Peter Cook) are both out for revenge on the group. Yet they are not the only ones.
You see, Peter Thump (step-father to Jon Lydon’s 16 yr old girlfriend) and his lodger, Ali Bhi (an Indian Cowboy) are both jealous of the singers hold over Ann and are determined to bring the romance to a brutal end.
That just leaves the question of who lives and who dies.
Based around the true events that charted the Sex pistols rise to fame, time at the top and their inevitable downfall, the trilogy of novels are a fast paced, hilarious ride of a story, riddled with toilet humour and political in-correctness.
Would it really kill you to help me out?
UK Customers click HERE
US Customers click HERE