I can’t be a racist because some of my best friends are f***ing black c**ts, insists John Terry

Thump News


John Terry has sought to put an end to continuing speculation that he’s a contemptible racist prick by shouting racist abuse while giving money to some of his black team-mates’ charities.

Terry, who was cleared of racially abusing QPR’s Anton Ferdinand, said during the trial that he was angry and sad to have been accused of being a racist despite video evidence showing him being a racist.

“I’ve been called a lot of things during my career, such as twat, dickhead, wanker, shit, arsehole,” he said.

“Oh, and cock, prick, bellend, tosser, fuckwit and of course, cunt.”

“But I draw the line at being branded a racist even when I’m being a racist.”

Terry not guilty

The Chelsea captain was quick to point out that giving money to charity provides him with special privileges.

“I gave some cash to the wheelchair lot which means I can park in disabled parking spaces whenever I want,” he revealed.

“I’ve also given to some women’s charities.”

“I just love to give, if you know what I mean,” he added winking furiously.


Bear found not guilty of shitting in the woods after hiring John Terry’s lawyer

In a verdict that has stunned the wildlife community, a 500lb brown bear has been found not guilty of defecating in a forest after hiring the same defence lawyer as John Terry.

It was alleged that the bear, Simon Williams, 26, used a patch of dense undergrowth at Bluebell Woods to take a leisurely dump last April, before wiping his arse on a tree.

The prosecution claim Williams wilfully ignored signs saying ‘No ball games or shitting’ and showed callous disregard for other flora and fauna by offloading his lunch at the local beauty spot.

Chief prosecution witness, a deer known locally as Mandy Simcock, said she heard the ‘sound of nearby rustling’ whereupon she looked up to see Williams with his trousers round his ankles reading a copy of The Daily Star.

Simcock said, “Williams spent ages in there in spite of the signs. When I went to confront him he just laughed and said ‘I’d give it ten minutes if I were you’.”

“It doesn’t take that long to have a piss. Besides the stench was unbearable.”

Woods shitting ‘not proven’

In what should have been a gift to the prosecution, Simcock managed to record the incident on her mobile phone.

The footage clearly shows Williams squatting in the undergrowth although his large furry anus is partly obscured by branches.

However, in a landmark ruling, presiding Judge Howard Dibble ordered the jury to acquit Williams.

“Although this is a bear taking what appears to be a shit in some woods the evidence is inadmissible because it was filmed on a Nokia,” he told the court.

Nature-lover and conservationist Chris Packham said “For years we have been trying to kick shitting in the woods out of the wildlife game.”

“This verdict sends out completely the wrong message to bears who think they can just shit in the woods whenever they like.”

Packham added, “It is of some consolation that the steaming pile of faeces left by Williams will eventually be absorbed and returned to the forest’s ecosystem in the form of mushrooms that will be eaten by chaffinches.”

The verdict represents another stunning victory for defence lawyer George Carter Stephenson who last year successfully defended the Pope over accusations that he was a practising Catholic.

John Terry to celebrate not guilty verdict during evening out with Anton Ferdinand’s girlfriend

John Terry is planning to celebrate the not guilty verdict in his racial abuse trial and the reinstatement of his ‘good name’ by having sex with Anton Ferdinand’s girlfriend.

Terry left court victorious today and his spokesperson said he was looking forward to getting back to normal by having sex with someone he definitely shouldn’t be having sex with.

“Mr Terry is delighted by today’s verdict, and his first call was to Mr Ferdinand’s girlfriend in the hope she would join him to ‘celebrate’.”

“Mr Ferdinand is currently in Hong Kong with his team, and so Mr Terry is keen to ensure all three of them put this behind them as soon as possible. Over cocktails.”

Terry Innocent

Chief Magistrate Howard Riddle said he had heard a great deal of evidence to show Mr Terry was a bit of a prick, but that right now this was insufficient to put him in prison.

In his judgement, he wrote, “Sure, putting John Terry in prison would make a lot of people very happy, but if being an risible human being was enough to get you prison time this country would be nothing more than a room with about four nurses.”

“So unfortunately he can go about his business being desperately unpleasant to pretty much everyone as long as he likes.”