I Am Said I.


Christopher Spivey


I am often accused by the low life vermin who have set out to destroy mine and other peoples hard work, of being egotistical.

Course, nothing could be further from the truth, and as you all know I am in reality rather modest and humble – albeit not shy and very outspoken.

Indeed, it is a good job for Jones and his band of half-wits that I am not egotistical, because if I was and I wanted to prove a point there would be a lot more articles like this one… You see, I am feeling a bit insecure and feel the need to big myself up. 

This insecurity stems from the fact that Judge Woollard told the court that “I wasn’t a journalist“. I do however think that he deliberately stopped short of adding “he’s a very naughty boy”.

And indeed, the MSM picked up on that point and some proceeded to belittle me in their publications by referring to me as being “a self styled journalist”, whilst other shit-rags – read by millions – stated something along the lines of; “Spivey claims to be a journalist”… Meaning he is nothing of the fucking sort.

Course, Judge Woollard is also out to destroy me, hence his blatant bias, his willingness to push on with the case despite it being impossible for me to get a fair trial and by doing so breached my human rights under Articles 6, and 10, in the knowledge that the police had already breached my Human Rights under article 8 meaning that by law the case should never have been allowed to go ahead.

Moreover, my human rights continued to be breached and the rule of law ignored since Judge woollard says that he is thinking of a custodial sentence – which is inconsistent with what I was convicted for… Indeed, convictions where the harasser has bombarded their victim with text messages, loitered outside of their victims home etc, etc have only warranted a community service order – even after having been tried in a Crown Court.

Yet there was I, under the impression that by law, sentences had to be consistent and proportionate.

And of course, it is blatantly obvious that the reason Judge Woollard made it quite clear that I was not a journalist is so as I could not use that as a legitimate & reasonable defence by acting in my capacity as a journalist in the detection and/or prevention of a crime.

So what is a journalist?

Well, according to Merriam-Webster a Journalist is:

(A) A person engaged in journalism; especially :  a writer or editor for a news medium

(B) A writer who aims at a mass audience

(C) Someone who keeps a journal.

So in regard to category A, it is pretty safe to say that I am a writer. But what is a “news medium”?

Well, according to the Collins English Dictionary a “News Medium” is defined as: those media that provide news coverage for the public

And since this website deals exclusively with news events and you’s lot reading this are members of the public I am without doubt a journalist, by definition set out in Category A.

But lets look at category B regardless of the fact that any one of those 3 categories are enough to qualify a person as being a journalist.

Category B states that a journalist is “A writer who aims at a mass audience”.

Now, when this website first started three and a half years ago, for the first 3 or 4 months I was writing for a few hundred people daily, which at the time was cool, there was no pressure and I was happy to do so because I was only writing as a hobby and I was earning a living as a tattooist.

And then things took off and I found myself writing for people in their thousands, which obviously puts a person under pressure to deliver, meaning that I had to focus on this website and give up tattooing – which contrary to the unimportant and uninformed opinions given over by the likes of wannabe but never will be, Tom Catshit, I was very good at and very sought after.


There ya go, just a few of the thousands upon thousands of tattoos that I have done over the years – you troll mugs really ought to give up because you cannot best me at ANYTHING… Not even when it comes down to belittling people.

And at the end of the day, if you are crap at tattooing you would be lucky to last a month whereas I made a decent living at inking people up in my capacity as A REGISTERED TATTOO ARTIST & BODY PIERCER for nearly 20 years… Yes Jane Poulton, Sonia Russell or whatever the fuck your name is, I was also registered to pierce people as well as tattoo them despite your hysterical claims that I was not registered… Just another thing that you & your dwarf got horribly wrong and had to remove all traces of from your webshite.

And to think that you call yourself a journalist, yet you cannot even verify the simplest of facts.

Course, before I became a tattoo artist I had a VAT registered building firm with 6 FULL TIME employees, an ongoing contract with Castle Point Council and a one million pound public liability insurance which was virtually unheard of at the time with half a million pound public liability being the norm… All checkable and/or provable facts whereas the dwarf can’t even pretend to be a carpenter properly.

Am I bragging? Fucking right I am because the evil little no-marks need putting in their place. They are parasites trying to make a name for themselves off of the backs of others and I WILL NOT let that happen.

So keep attacking me and others ya little shit boxes and I will continue to show you up for the inept, useless arseholes that you really are… And remember, my platform is massive, yours is tiny.

Okay, lets get back on track. Now whilst I was happy enough writing for three or four hundred people 3 years ago, a lot of water has passed under the bridge since then and the simple fact of the matter is that if I ever find myself writing for a couple of thousand hits a day, I will jack it in because it certainly wouldn’t be worth the aggro that I get from the nonce ponce government.

Indeed when I shut down this website on the 31st, the number of hits that day was 24,326 and the day before, 15,557.

In fact in the three and a half years that the site has been going it has racked up Ten Million, Six Hundred & Seven Thousand, Eight Hundred and Thirty hits (10,607,830)… So, please do tell me again Jones, you spiteful little imp how I am losing credibility… Or better still tell me again that I am finished you little joke of a man thing.

I cannot in fact name another internet writer who without any advanced publicity, sponsorship or backing has achieved anywhere near the success that I have in such a short time… Can you Jones?

Nevertheless, it is therefore safe to say that not only do I qualify as a journalist under Category A, I also qualify under Category B.

Category C is not really relevant, although I could in fact make a case there too if needed.

Now, I do also hold a legitimate ‘Press card’, although it isn’t with the NUJ but I have not got a university degree.

However, is that relevant:

But What About Journalism Degrees?

As we’ve said above, publishers are not interested in what qualifications you might have. Getting a degree in journalism or media studies may give you some insight into how the world of freelance newspaper journalism works and what will be expected of you, but it will not make you a good journalist. However, if you are a talented writer and have a nose for an interesting story, you can easily learn about the goings on at newspapers. This knowledge will help make sure you send your work to the correct person, in the correct format and, more importantly, at the correct time. This stops you looking like a complete novice, which always helps when trying to get work published.

Some of the things you do need to be a Freelance Journalist

Don’t think that not needing a university degree in journalism or media studies means that you don’t need any skills. There are some practical skills that are essential if you are to make it as freelance journalist. These include a good command of the English Language, including:

  • grammar
  • spelling
  • punctuation
  • syntax
  • vocabulary

Oh right.

So whichever way you look at it, I am a journalist and Judge Woollard was quite incorrect in saying that i am not. Therefore, his verdict has to be incorrect because under s1(3) it is a defence to a charge of criminal harassment for the accused to show
‘(a) that it was pursued for the purpose of preventing or detecting crime

Nevertheless, regardless of the Establishment’s abuse of the justice system in my case which should have time and again seen my case thrown out of court, for harassment to be a crime the accused must pursue a course of conduct which must amount to harassment of another person and the accused must know or ought to know that the course of conduct amounted to harassment.

So, since the ‘evidence’ used against me relates to as far back as May 2013 and the complaint was not made until July 2014 – for which I was arrested [illegally] despite no one EVER telling me to stop or warning me that i was pursuing a course of conduct which could amount to harassment – then how the fuck could I know that what I was doing amounted to harassment when according to the prosecution I had been pursuing that course of conduct for 14 months without anyone once telling me to stop or even making a complaint?

I mean, if like the Prosecution stated; that I was pursuing a course of conduct that amounted to harassment, why the fuck did it take 14 months before any complaint was made?

And even then, the normal course of action is once a complaint has been made, the police issue the alleged harasser a warning letter so as that person can be in no doubt that he is pursuing a course of action amounting to harassment.

This is done so as if the alleged harasser then carries on with that course of conduct, he cannot state in court that he/she didn’t know that they were harassing their victim.


So, since the course of conduct that I was supposedly pursuing dates to 14 months before any complaint was made, with me never being told that I was causing harassment and I was not warned about my conduct in the two week period between that complaint being made and my arrest, then it is reasonable to conclude that I could not possibly have known that I was pursuing a course of conduct which amounted to harassment… That is just common logic for crying out loud.

Moreover, for harassment to be proved the harasser: “Ought to know that the conduct in question amounts to or involves harassment if a reasonable person would think it amounted to or involved harassment”. 

And in my case the “reasonable person” was the blatantly biased Judge Woollard who refused to adjourn the case for my appeal to be heard, in which it is clearly stated in the appeal paperwork that I cannot possibly get a fair trial without the witnesses against me being in court.

Indeed, it is lucky that it wasn’t alleged that I was clearly trying to murder someone else I would be looking at a life sentence.

Yet you only need look at the 5 comments that the Chimp allowed on their libellous, mis-reporting of my trial before pulling the article off their website news feed to ascertain that those people who consider me not to have harassed anybody far outweigh those who do.


And then there is the petition that was inexplicably pulled which was heading to the 2000 signature mark despite evidence that signatures were being removed. There is also the other petition that my supporters are now questioning the petition site about due to signatures also disappearing from there as well as signatures not being added.

Yet despite the obvious interference, that petition still currently stands at 2072 signatures. Are those who signed not “Reasonable persons”?

Indeed, had the newspapers reported accurately and in a fair manner, I doubt very much that there would be hardly anyone who didn’t consider the unlawful, unjust way that I have been persecuted, being tantamount to me not having harassed anyone – regardless of whether they agreed with what I write or not as that should have absolutely fuck all to do with the case.

So, I would once again ask you to sign the petition for me which can be found HERE

However, the proof is in the pudding as they say so let us look at how my site compares in rankings to say Garry Bushell.

You see, according to Wikipedia:

Garry Bushell is an English newspaper columnist, rock music journalist, television presenter, author and political activist.

Bushell’s columns are known for their similes and metaphors, such as describing something as being “as fair as Frank Bruno’s arse” or (in his 1 May 2005 column) “Today’s TV is so obsessively gay, it’s a wonder the Radio Times doesn’t come with a pink Versace wrap and a free glass of Muscadet”

His humour angered some Sun executives, such as Rebekah Wade, but fans include Barbara Windsor, Dom Joly and Roy Hudd, who has called him “the Max Miller of the press”.

His tabloid column and writing style were regularly satirised in adult comic Viz, including a one-off comic strip titled Garry Bushell The Bear, about a homophobic, xenophobic brown bear.

John Martin’s book Seduction of the Gullible: The Truth Behind the Video Nasty Scandal says: “when Bushell isn’t blustering about decency and Western values, he can be found gloating and cracking jokes in his column over such incidents as the death of several transvestites in a sex cinema fire.”

Bushell’s columns have always been coloured by feuds, the most famous and long-running of which were with Ben Elton, Jo Brand and Janet Street-Porter. He has also had feuds with Phill Jupitus, Les Dennis, Marcus Brigstocke and Arthur Smith, whom he dubbed “the world’s worst comedian.”

Speaking to Philip Solomon on East Midlands radio, Bushell defended his writing style:

“The humour I like is abrasive and acerbic; taken out of context it can seem cruel but that’s true of everyone from Jackie Masonto Frankie Boyle. The key to getting it is not to take it out of context. As someone once said analysing a joke is like dissecting a frog; you can find out why it works but in the process you kill it”.

And it would seem that before becoming a journalist, Garry – the son of a fireman – worked for Shell as a messenger and like his father, the London Fire Brigade.

Now, I have actually met Garry, who was on the same bill as me at the 2013 Rebellion Festival where we were both giving interviews to the BBC’s, Culture Show host, John Robb


PHOTO: John Robb

And when I arrived at the venue (Blackpool’s Winter Gardens), the man-mountain Cass Pennant was on stage being interviewed by John and Garry was in the dressing room.

Now because I always think of Garry as looking like his picture in the Sun at the top of his “Bushell On The Box” column, I didn’t recognise him what with it being – as he later informed me –  an almost unbelievable 20 years since he had finished doing that column.

Nevertheless, Garry immediately recognised me, stood up, shook my hand and said “hello Chris”… As did Cass Pennant who walked into the dressing room 5 minutes later, having finished giving his interview and said exactly the same thing – “hello Chris” – before I even had chance to introduce myself.


Now don’t get me wrong as I am not trying to belittle anyone here. Garry came across as a proper nice bloke, was in no way whatsoever up himself and anyone watching/listening to our conversation would have laughed because I am deaf as a post and Garry is even deafer.

I am however making a point.

You see, Garry bushell’s website is ranked by Alexa.Com as being 1,108,697 in the world. That is a fairly poor ranking as it happens and as such does not qualify him for a UK ranking.

My website – this website – is currently ranked at 210,052 in the world, 10,649 in the UK, 10,968 in Australia and 472,491 in the USA… Which trust me, is an altogether fucking brilliant ranking.

Another well known journalist with a blog is John Slattery. His website is ranked by Alexa at 7,912,498 in the world… Not good at all.

Then again, journalist Sonia Poultons website does not even qualify for a ranking.

Yet Judge Woollard clearly stated that I am not a journalist – when I clearly am – and as I said earlier, in doing so he denied me the right to that legitimate defence that prevents journalists being convicted of harassment… Hmmm.

Still, moving on and I have just heard from Ian R Crane, who is going to try and make Wednesday where myself and others will be accompanying Dr Nick Kollerstrom to the Ministry of Justice at 2.30 PM, where Nick intends to hand in a letter of complaint in regard to the persecution of me and my family.


Both Lisa Pea – whom I am sure that you all know by now runs the Christopher D Spivey Facebook page for me – and my dear friend, ‘Pongo’ will also be definitely joining us, so please come say hello and lend your support at the same time.

Course, despite me undeniably being a journalist, the MSM big guns – as I have already mentioned – have been decidedly hostile towards me which I find very strange given their stance towards the persecution of journalists.


That comment is from the Chimp obviously which given their libellous, factually incorrect reporting about me, I can only conclude that the Monkey-Nutz do not consider me to be a journalist either… Course, with that appearing to be the case I went over to the Chimp website to see what exciting breaking news stories their cutting edge monkeys are currently egg-spurtly reporting on.

And what now follows are but three of the country’s second biggest selling newspapers take on what Dacre’s Dunces consider to be serious issues happening in the world today.

Race you to the bargains! Hundreds of thrifty shoppers queue for HOURS to be among the first to get into Walsall’s plush new Primark store


  • Excited early birds began arriving four hours before its doors opened 
  • The 31,000 sq ft store is part of the £7m redevelopment of the Old Square
  • This the 289th Primark store to open worldwide and has 29 changing rooms, the majority for women.

It’s everyone’s favourite high-street value store, known and loved for its fashion-forward designs at bargain prices.

So, when a plush new Primark opened its doors in Walsall on Thursday, it was little surprise that nearly 1,000 bargain hunters showed up.

The excited early birds began arriving four hours before its doors opened and when they were inside the crowds were offered free bottled water to help stay cool. Continue Reading

Errr… Point taken, that certainly isn’t a news story that I would cover… I mean, if I did I would be accused of taking backhanders to promote Primark.

So, lets see what else the Monkey-Kuntz have to enthrall us with:

Move over, Bake Off! New craze sees Mexican-inspired pinata cakes with sponge on the outside and pick ‘n’ mix INSIDE become most indulgent treat ever

  • New sponge cake craze sees brightly-coloured gateaus stuffed with sweets
  • Cakeology author Juliet Sear explains how to make the eye-catching treats
  • It is named after Mexican party cardboard centrepiece filled with gifts

As the Great British Bake Off returns to our screens, there’s a new cake trend to get us all salivating –  gaudy gateaus covered in frills of icing and stuffed with treats.

The piñata cake is named after the Mexican party centrepieces made from papier mache and filled with gifts, and has a hollow centre which is used to hold your favourite sweets.


Asda kicked off the trend last year with their Smartie pinata cake and Lakeland soon followed, selling all the paraphernalia needed to create the ultimate ‘surprise’ cake.

Scroll down for video Continue Reading

SCROLL DOWN FOR A FUCKING VIDEO! I bet that will go viral.

I mean, unless I am very, very mistaken here, what we are talking about is baking a cake, slicing it horizontally into 4 or 5 or even 6 cake rings if you are a Don.

At a guess, I would then imagine that apart from the top and bottom slice a large circle is cut out of the centres of the middle cake rings followed by the cake being reassembled using icing as cement to hold the cake together – at which point the hollow is filled with sweets seconds before the top is icinged (there’s a new word for the dictionary) back into place.

Now, you may think the story ends there but you would be sadly mistaken. You see, the reassembled cake, with its hidden loot of sweets is then covered entirely with fancy icing so as no one would ever suspect that the goodies are in the middle – sweets that is, not Graeme Garden, Bill Oddie and Tim Brook-Fucking-Taylor… Least I don’t think that you would find Graeme Garden, Bill Oddie and Tim Brook-Fucking-Taylor in the middle of a birthday cake.

And I am once again forced to admit that I would not ever report on baking a cake.

So, what else is going on in the world today:

The best way to cut a bagel revealed: Scientists say you should slice the snack along the ‘Mobius Strip’ to add more filling

  • The Möbius strip is mathematical structure that only has one side
  • Dan Pashman modified two different techniques to create his own
  • He uses parallel Möbius strips so that there is more surface area

Bagels are getting bigger, thicker and fluffier. 

While that might seem like a good thing, it’s also throwing off the perfect cream cheese to dough ratio.

Now scientists have come to the rescue with a new, ‘scientifically correct’ way to cut a bagel so that they can be loaded with more filling.

Scroll down for video Continue Reading


Who ever in the world would have thought that it would take scientists to find out the best way to slice a bagel… Does NASA know about this discovery?

Did the scientists get millions of squids in government grants to enable this breakthrough in science?

What happens if you don’t like bagels? Questions, questions, questions… I definitely would not have reported on that.

Shall we have a bonus news article? Of course we fucking shall:

Is this the best ever first wedding dance? Couple begin waltzing to Justin Timberlake before busting out a six-minute choreographed routine with their entire bridal party

  • Hollie and Dave Smith shunned the traditional slow, romantic first dance 
  • Performed all-singing, all-dancing routine choreographed for the big day
  • The video has amassed 800,000 views on YouTube

Forget slow dancing to the dulcet tones of Ed Sheeran, two newlyweds decided to do things a little differently when it came to their first dance.

Hollie and Dave Smith shunned the traditional slow, romantic first dance in favour of an all-singing, all-dancing routine, which the British couple choreographed for their wedding day.

The duo impressively memorised and performed a six-minute routine, which involved their bridesmaids and groomsmen, to the sounds of Beyonce, Justin Timberlake and Kanye West. Continue Reading

Now come on, you have to admit that is very bad reporting by Bianca London for Mail Online.

I mean: “Is this the best ever first wedding dance”? 

I mean for fucks sake Bianca, if it is the “first wedding dance” then it has to be the best ever, unless the ‘second wedding dance’ has since taken place and is better than the first in which case the answer would be no.

Nevertheless, I would have thought that it was her job to know if it was the best ever first wedding dance instead of asking us.

But once again, I am forced to admit that I would never report on such a story, even if I knew the fucking answer.

And that fact now leaves me wondering if Judge Woollard is perhaps right – I’m not a journalist.

I mean, government corruption, nonces in power, abuses of the justice system, child sex abuse and exposing government sponsored hoaxes – such as the Boston Bombings – is as good as it gets with me.

Does anyone know how I can get in touch with Dear Deidre? Just askin’.