For the love of Lynda

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Christopher Spivey

 

I have no gripe with Lynda Bellingham in general.

In fact apart from including her in a small piece I wrote back in the day in regard to the 2014 New Years honours list, where I questioned what Lynda and others up for awards had done to deserve their OBE’s, CBE’s, MBE’s, EMI’s, VD’s, etc, etc, the most that I knew about her was that she used to get her tits out in bawdy British comedy films before going on to become the ‘Mum’ in the long running Oxo tv adverts.

And to be honest, until yesterday’s latest Chimp article in an extremely long list of Chimp articles about Lynda appeared, I still didn’t know that much more.

I mean as acting careers go, Lynda never really set the world on fire and as I say, was only a household name – in the UK – because of the Oxo adverts.

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PHOTO: Lynda Bellingham and Robin Askwith, appeared in the 1970’s “Confessions Of…” comedy films  

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PHOTO: A devastated Askwith arrives at Bellingham’s memorial service

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PHOTO: The Oxo family

So why has she become almost sainted?

Now that isn’t an easy question to answer because unfortunately information on Bellingham’s early years is quite scant – whether that be through lack of fame or not, I can’t say.

However, it would appear that she was born in Canada and her unmarried mother was forced to hand her over to a British pilot working for BOAC (now British Airways), who then promptly bought her back to England with his British wife and their two biological children… Which I find a bit fucking strange.

The Bellingham’s then appear to have bought a farm which is where Lynda’s childhood memories lay.

It then transpires that she became a bit of a hand full in her teens, moved to London and got married to “Confessions Of” film director, Greg Smith, got divorced, married an abusive waiter, had two children, became an alcoholic, got divorced, got married, got divorced and got married again.

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And apart from a run in the TV drama, “All Creatures Great and Small”, a run as assistant to “Dr Who“, just before it was axed & when it was total crap, a contestant on “Strictly”, an occasional appearance as a co-host on “Loose Women” and a run in the stage play “Calendar Girls”, that is about it really.

In fact she only really became what you would term as ‘proper’ when she was diagnosed with Cancer… And fuck me didn’t she just take off, in fact a year on from her death she is still being talked about more than when she was alive.

Which makes me very suspicious.

I mean sure, she was ‘used’ to raise cancer awareness – which, if you know what is really going on in the world only really benefits the government, pharmaceutical industry and cancer charities… But I do rather believe that there is more to Lynda’s promotion to ‘Sainthood’ than first meets the eye.

And indeed I would hazard a guess as to her death being used in part to subtly soften up the male species, whilst promoting women as being the real ‘go getters’ as well as generally turning the population into needy, superficial, insincere, drama queens, prone to having public displays of insincere grief.

Indeed, you only need look at the pedestal that the Chimp now has her placed upon to realise that there is definitely an agenda going on.

I mean, the first article that Lynda had all to herself in the Chimp was published on January 27th 2009 and carried the headline:

Adrian Chiles puts his foot in it by asking Lynda Bellingham about her ‘battle with alcoholism’

Nothing then followed until August 17th 2009 when Lynda signed up to appear in Strictly Come Dancing:

Strictly Come Dancing signs up actress Lynda Bellingham, 61, and Jo Wood, 53, in bid to defuse ageism row

And of course, appearing on shite like that gives a struggling actor a bit of a career boost, which led to Lynda becoming the main focus of a Chimp article, the following month, about:

How women in their 40s are drinking more than ever

Which, in one way I suppose that Lynda was lucky to get since she was about 60 by then… Although in fairness she was an alcoholic.

Three days later, on September the 7th 2009 the Chimp turned over another article to Lynda:

I fought domestic violence demons to go on Strictly, reveals Oxo mum Lynda

See what I mean about “Strictly” giving a boost to flagging careers?

And as if to prove my point, two months later Lynda was given another outing by the Chimp:

Lynda Bellingham, 61, says Strictly made her insecure about her ageing body

However, so far there is nothing really glamourous in those 5 articles, unless you are happy to be known as a rapidly ageing alcoholic whose ex-husband used to knock the b’jesus out of you.

Lynda didn’t get another outing from the Chimp after that until February 2010, when she was invited to tell us again about how husband number 2 had treated her like a punch bag:

LYNDA BELLINGHAM: ‘Go on, hit me,’ I told Nunzio. ‘I’m sick of being frightened of you. Put me out of my misery…’

But then again, Lynda was flogging her book, hastily written off the back of the profile raising “Strictly Come Dancing”.

Later on that month, Lynda got a second chance to bolster book sales by discussing the relationship she now had with her birth mother:

LYNDA BELLINGHAM: The first words I heard my mother say were ‘Oh my Lord. Is it really you dear?’

A month passed and on March 23rd the Chimp gave Lynda’s book yet another push – do you think that palms were being greased?

Saucy stuff: Drink, divorce, that OXO ad… but what really spices up Lynda Bellingham’s memoir is some hilariously bad writing about sex: LOST AND FOUND BY LYNDA BELLINGHAM

In April, thanks to “Strictly” and the book, Oxo – the stock cube company that made Lynda a household name – got her to front an advert, leading to the Monkey-Boyz doing another article about her:

After a decade away, Lynda Bellingham is back as the Oxo mum

And then nowt till November.

Now at this point I should explain that although they would deny it, the Chimp makes an absolute fucking mint nowadays from pointing people in the direction of where to get the same dress, shoes and matching handbag as whatever the knob-ed celeb of the moment is photographed wearing… The shit-rag tends to do it an awful lot with whatever Kate Gold-Digger-Smith is photographed wearing and of course the kick-back comes from whatever clothes supplier the Chimp names as the place to buy the replica from.

After all, the newspaper has to make a profit somehow, although Banana Dacre avoids paying top dollar to his real journalists – evidenced by the mindless bullshite they come up with.

Now, in the very same way as the Chimp promotes ‘fashion houses’ flogging dodgy replica outfits, they also do it with massively overpriced holidays too, don’t cha know.

Course, these rip-off holidays are promoted as just being helpful recommendations in the Chimp Travel section, but if you believe that then you are indeed reading the correct newspaper for your capacity to think.

And in November 2010, eight months after giving Lynda’s Oxo advert a plug – another nice little earner no doubt – they reported on Lynda’s holiday in the caribbean:

Cast away on Peter Island: Lynda Bellingham finds Caribbean heaven

Course, the article ends with a paragraph given the sub-heading; travel facts, which consists of the following:

Caribtours (020 7751 0660, www.caribtours.co.uk) offers seven nights at Peter Island, British Virgin Islands, from £1,895 per person staying in an Ocean View Room (room only) including return scheduled flights, transfers and the use of a private lounge at Gatwick.

So it isn’t hard to work out who paid for Lynda & her husband to go on the jollie.

And that was it for 2010.

Lynda next appeared in the Chimp on March 14th 2011 in another far from glamorous confession article which carried the headline:

Lynda Bellingham: ‘My sordid one-night stand was the most humiliating experience of my life’

Although fuck knows why she chose to do the article since she states in her book, “Lost and Found” – again promoted in the article – that she had “dozens” of one nighters prior to that one… “Dozens” has to be at least 48 doesn’t it otherwise she would have said that she’d had around “two dozen” or “three dozen” knee tremblers in the past, wouldn’t she?

However, that wasn’t the only article about Lynda that the Chimp ran that day. Indeed, the Monkey-Kuntz also published another one with the headline:

From Oxo cube to Oxo TUBE: Roast dinner favourite to be sold as a paste

Which was in fact an article flogging gravy in a tube.

Oxo stock in a squeezable tubes.

I think Oxo ought to give me some money now.

Nevertheless, Lynda and the Monkeys were now tight as tight can be and as such, she appeared in another article on the very next day:

‘It’s a family joke that my drinking must come from my genes’: Lynda Bellingham on finding her birth mother

Talk about fucking milking it… As the Chimp did again, just 10 days later:

My life in recipes: Lynda Bellingham’s Toad in the Hole and meringues

Exactly two months to the day after the above article had been published, Lynda was give an article in the “Monkey Bird” section carrying the headline:

Lynda Bellingham: My confidence in what I wear has improved with age

Which kinda contradicted what she said in the Chimp just 18 short months earlier about how insecure she was with her ageing body.

Things then went quiet on the Chimp front for Lynda until November when she appeared in a shite article for Dacre’s Dunces which once again contradicted the last article and talked about her past as an alcoholic:

‘For the past couple of years I’ve felt overweight, but I’ve now lost 16lb’: Under the microscope with Lynda Bellingham

In hindsight, that weight loss may not have been down to her change in lifestyle.

Nevertheless, just 4 days before Christmas the Chimp carried a video of an advert that Lynda had done for isme – for whom she was an “ambassador”:

isme TV ad starring Lynda Bellingham

Course, there wouldn’t have been a kick back there either… Swiftly moving on and that was it for 2011. On March the 5th 2012, Lynda was given another article to herself talking about *sigh getting old:

‘Don’t give up on high heels just because you’re 60!’ Lynda Bellingham on why she’s upbeat about getting old

And 6 days later she was back again promoting… Yep, Oxo:

Much-loved Oxo advert returns to our screens… but this time dad is in the kitchen

A week later and Lynda was back with more bad news:

Loose Women’s Lynda Bellingham devastated to be excluded from mother’s funeral

And that was it until November – Have you noticed how she is always in a November article?

Now, on this occasion Lynda was off on her travels again:

A long way from the Oxo advert: Lynda Bellingham finds love in magical Malaysia

And of course the article ends with the “travel facts”:

Destinology (0800 634 2866, www.destinology.co.uk) has five nights’ B&B at Pangkor Laut and five at Tanjong Jara from £1,839pp, with Malaysia Airlines return flights from London and transfers. Valid January 7 to March 31.

However, check these two photos out below – one from Lynda’s trip to the Caribbean in November 2010, the other from this trip, November 2012

PB220031 Hmmm!

The following month, two days after Christmas in fact, Lynda was telling the Chimps readers that she was going to get pissed on New Years Eve… Which is the sensible thing to do when you have a drink problem !!!

I’ll be raising a glass on New Year’s Eve! Lynda Bellingham admits she is ready to start drinking after six years of sobriety

And that was it for 7 months, after which the floodgates well and truly opened on July 16th 2013:

Cancer won’t kill me, says Oxo mum: Lynda Bellingham reassures fans hours after revealing she is fighting disease at 65

Lynda Bellingham as the Oxo mum in the classic 80s ad

July 18th:

The consultant looked at me and said ‘you aren’t going to die’…. I could have hugged him! Lynda Bellingham talks movingly about her cancer

July 23rd:

‘It was a reminder how serious it can be’: Lynda Bellingham reveals she woke up to face her first bout of chemotherapy to discover Bernie Nolan had died

August 6th:

‘Just relaxing at home… and cooking for England’: Lynda Bellingham opens up about adjusting to a less hectic schedule after cancer diagnosis

August 20th:

‘One day I’ll write a very honest book’: Lynda Bellingham wants to share what she’s been through after cancer diagnosis

August 28th:

‘I’ll be a new woman by Christmas’: Lynda Bellingham says she’ll beat cancer in private

September 20th:

Linda Bellingham: ‘Getting diagnosed with cancer in July was a shock. The biggest change is that I no longer feel in control and now I don’t take anything for granted’

November 26th – always in November:

Oxo Mum Lynda Bellingham vows to not let cancer fight stop her cooking the Christmas dinner

A bit of a break followed with nothing more until February 10th 2014:

‘Look at the hair’: Lynda Bellingham shares details of cancer as she reveals completely white hair during This Morning interview

February 12th:

Lynda looks fab – but to be honest, most women CAN’T carry off grey hair. By LINDA KELSEY, who tried and failed to ditch the dye

February 26th:

Hot Stuff! Lisa Riley steps out in black lace as Lynda Bellingham opts for pretty embellished dress at Full Monty musical launch

March 14:

‘I’m still out there and giving it some welly’ Actress Lynda Bellingham says she isn’t letting cancer get in the way of life as she collects OBE from the Prince of Wales

And then nothing more till the bad news of September 27th, which prompted articles times two:

‘I have only weeks left to live. So I’ve picked the date I will die… just after Christmas’: Much-loved actress Lynda Bellingham reveals the story of her 14-month cancer battle

Mocked, ridiculed and – yes, I’m afraid to say – touched up in the 70s: Actress Lynda Bellingham reveals how treatment of actresses has changed since her early career

The second article kinda says “take no notice of the first, I was being a drama queen”.

Nevertheless, September 29th saw Lynda given FOUR articles in one day:

‘Dying is worse for the people left behind’: Cancer-stricken Lynda Bellingham reveals she wants her husband Michael Pattemore to find love again once she’s gone

As Lynda Bellingham reveals she has only months to live… Bowel cancer patients left undiagnosed for YEARS

It was weeks two days ago… Just saying.

Husband’s prayer for one final Christmas with Lynda: Partner uses heartbreaking interview to speak of devastation at prospect of losing her to cancer 

Loose Women speak in support of ‘brave’ Lynda Bellingham

September 30th – THREE in one day, making it SEVEN in two days:

‘I am in a good place’: Cancer-stricken Lynda Bellingham sends message to former co-stars and fans of Loose Women to thank them for their support

‘I pray Lynda sees Christmas’

My time will be shorter – I’ll live a couple of months if I am lucky – but it will be happier for me and my family’: Lynda Bellingham talks about her decision to stop treatment for her terminal colon cancer

October 4th:

As I come to the end of my life, I’ve finally faced up to the painful secret of my past: Terminally ill LYNDA BELLINGHAM on one last quest… to find her biological father

October 6th:

‘I long to talk to him and show him what I have achieved’: Cancer-stricken Lynda Bellingham reveals her desire to meet the father she never knew in the afterlife

October 7th:

‘I don’t want the boys or my husband to see me die a little sad old lady’: Inspirational Lynda Bellingham opens up about her brave decision to end chemotherapy

Lynda Bellingham arrives at Media City studios for breakfast show

October 8th:

‘I HAVEN’T decided to die’, says Lynda Bellingham, as she urges others to talk about ‘unsexy’ diseases like bowel cancer

‘I haven’t decided to die’: Lynda Bellingham speak on This Morning

October 19th:

Brave Lynda Bellingham receives standing ovation as she makes emotional final appearance on Loose Women… just days before her death 

How do they know it is “just days before her death”… What a strange fucking headline!

Mystery solved… Sort of.

You see, the article (according to the article itself) was written on Monday the 20th October 2014 and published at 1:55, after she had died the day before on Sunday the 19th.

However, according to the archive, the article was in fact written on Sunday the 19th and published at 11:50PM.

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And it would seem that the Real Journalist, Marc Jackson cannot make up his mind as to whether Lynda has only weeks or days to live… Despite the fact that she was dead when he wrote it.

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And doesn’t she look well in the photos below – even if she has weeks, not days to live:

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Now I have to tell you that I have seen enough people die of cancer to know that they do not look anywhere near that healthy, days or even weeks before they die… Not even when they are famous.

East End gangster Reggie Kray (1933 - 2000) in hospital, circa 2000. (Photo by Dave Hogan/Hulton Archive/Getty Images)

And of course, Lynda’s death led to the Chimp going into overdrive – which continued unabated on the 20th of October:

Lynda Bellingham stars in Isme.com’s first ever advert

Lynda Bellingham at Media City just weeks before her death

Now we know that Lynda made that Media City visit on the 8th of October – 11 days before she died – yet she loked in good shape considering, posing for the press in her high heels before walking over to some fans where she signed her book for them and posed for selfies.

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I have to say that one of my tattoo customer’s died of breast cancer around three and a half years ago and since I knew the whole family well, I went to her funeral… She was only in her late 30’s. Nevertheless, her mother told me that although she knew she was going to die, she dramatically deteriorated over the course of her final month to such an extent that most of the time she had no idea who she was – let alone who her family were.

Nevertheless, the Chimp articles kept coming throughout the course of the 20th:

‘Lynda was in too much pain… I wasn’t able to look after her’: Heartbroken husband of Lynda Bellingham, 66, reveals her final battle against cancer before she died in his arms

Lynda Bellingham says she wants to be remembered happy

The shocking speed at which colon cancer claimed Lynda Bellingham’s life: Actress fell victim to world’s fourth biggest cancer killer

Lynda Bellingham says she wants to be remembered happy (archive)

Tributes for ‘gorgeous’ Lynda Bellingham as stars remember ‘courageous person who always left you feeling better about life’ after she dies of cancer aged 66 

Lynda Bellingham in All Creatures Great and Small

Star who won nation’s heart as beloved TV actress and Oxo ad mother – but Lynda Bellingham’s final role before she died would be a very public battle with cancer

Lynda Bellingham collects her OBE and poses with family

Lynda Bellingham dazzled on Strictly Come Dancing in 2009

Loose Women presenters pay tribute to Lynda Bellingham

The brutal past that meant Lynda Bellingham wasn’t scared of anything: Her role as the ever-patient mother and wife masked a life of domestic abuse, misery and rejection by CHRISTOPHER STEVENS

Husband’s tribute to Bellingham

A total of THIRTEEN articles and videos in one day!

predictably the mawkish pap continued unabated into the 21st:

A trouper to her last breath… JANET STREET-PORTER pays tribute to Loose Women co-star Lynda Bellingham

Lynda Bellingham’s son tells of heartbreak at her death saying ‘miss you so much mama’ after actress loses fight with cancer

Now I can appreciate that his mother had just died but for a man in his 30’s who lived independent of his mother, to come out with “miss you so much mama” in the national press is a bit… Well you know.

On the 22nd we were treated to the actress Gwen Taylor’s take on things:

‘I feel guilty’: Gwen Taylor reveals heartache over beating cancer… after her co-star Lynda Bellingham tragically lost her battle

No she doesn’t and neither did Lynda when she said the same thing whilst talking to Coleen Nolan, after Coleen’s sister Bernadette had died not so long ago prior to the conversation that they were having – whilst at the time Lynda was still being openly optimistic that she would survive… And yes I do know what I am talking about.

You see, I should point out that in 2001 I too had cancer (two types, 1 aggressive the other a lot more slow acting) and I never so much as once had a pang of guilt over others I had known whom had died of the evil disease… And whilst we are at it, neither did I consider myself “brave”, because like all cancer sufferers I had no choice in the matter and as such I didn’t “fight it” – I just did what the doctors told me to do… almost – I was a bit awkward inasmuch as I refused to stay overnight in hospital on the day before my 3 operations.

Instead I went and got the preamble over and done with on the days before the ops, then went home for the night before returning the next morning at around 7.30 AM.

And then, much to the doctors & nurses horror and protests, I discharged myself straight after having a cup of tea and a sandwich (should have been a minimum two night post-op stay), something the doctors were adamant about and which I polished off as soon as I had come round from the anaesthetic (on all 3 occasions – although the 3rd op wasn’t as serious and only became necessary due to complications caused by internal bleeding).

Course, I hasten to add that I didn’t discharge myself because I’m dead hard.

You see, the one and only reason that I did what I did was because Stacey was only 6 years old at the time and had never been away from me overnight and I didn’t want her upset… In fact I can swear on Stacey & Clayton’s life that I wasn’t scared in the slightest that I might die, but I was extremely scared about what would happen to Stacey if I did.

I’ll bet there are now a few fucking hob-goblins gritting their dirty teeth – be they false or not – having just read those easily evidenced FACTS… The Slimey, good for fuck all Cunts.

But I digress, so carrying straight on with the Chimp articles released on the 22nd of October 2014:

Final Bellingham interview screened

Pudding, presents and a real tree for the first time (despite her husband’s objections): Lynda Bellingham revealed her plans for final Christmas in last interview recorded just days before her death

Lynda Bellingham’s final interview on Loose Women

Prince Charles pays tribute to ‘marvellous’ Lynda Bellingham after 2million people tune in to her final Loose Women

Thats the kiss of fucking death then.

Facebook tribute page to Lynda Bellingham targeted by Far Right: Splinter group of the BNP uses photo to trick people into visiting page that supports fascist views 

Isn’t that Harassment? … Leave it Spiv, just carry on.

The Chimp then had a couple of days off before picking up the drum again on the 25th:

PLATELL’S PEOPLE: Truly, it was kinder for Oxo mum Lynda to die before Christmas 

Lynda Bellingham explains her Christmas plans in last interview

As if everybody didn’t by now already know what they were.

On the 26th we were treated to the following news:

A fitting farewell: Lynda Bellingham’s funeral is set to be a ‘Royal variety-style’ event that will celebrate her incredible life

Fuck me, I don’t remember even the Queer’s Mother’s death getting as much publicity as this.

On the 27th there was more cashing in taking place and a few more palms greased I shouldn’t wonder:

Lynda Bellingham could be back on TV at Christmas as Oxo considers bringing back iconic ad after 150,000 fans sign up to campaign 

That will be 150,000 sad sacks with too much time on their hands.

Nevertheless, on the 28th subliminal orders to go buy Lynda’s new book were dished out:

Bellingham book set to top list

There was then a couple of quiet days, no doubt to give the robots a chance to get to the bookshops, before normal service was resumed on November the 3rd… Altogether now… ALWAYS IN NOVEMBER… Well done:

‘You will make great lives, sorry I won’t be there to share it’: Lynda Bellingham’s heartbreaking letter to her sons is read at celebrity-packed funeral

A classic example of the Chimp telling you how you MUST FEEL about the letter… And for the sake of balance I should just say that the knob-ed celebs weren’t all that – unless of course you count Christopher Bigears Biggins as an A-lister.

November the 3rd continued:

Family and friends of Lynda Bellingham gather for her funeral

Emotional funeral for Bellingham

Aren’t all funerals emotional?

Nevertheless, by the time November 11th came about it was good news all round:

Bellingham Oxo ad to be re-screened

And to make sure that no one missed the news about that Christmas highlight, the Monkey-Kuntz knocked a bigger article out 20 minutes later:

Lynda Bellingham to return on Christmas Day: Oxo advert to be re-screened in tribute

“In tribute”?

On Christmas day?

Lynda’s on a par with Cheese-Us now then!

On November the 14th, Hubby Mick decided that moping around on his own was doing him no good whatsoever, so he rolled his sleeves up and got to work… With the aim of making his moping around public:

As she lay dying in my arms I told Lynda I loved her a million times: In this exquisitely moving and heart-rendingly honest interview, Lynda Bellingham’s husband speaks for the first time of the agony of losing her  

No mistaking how you are meant to feel towards that then.

Two days later, having had the previous day off, Mick went back to work with Banana Dacre’s dunces on the 16th:

I fell in love with Lynda on sight – but her worried friends gave me the third degree: Lynda Bellingham’s grieving husband on an unlikely love story that was cruelly cut short

And then on the next day, we were ordered by the Chimp to find Lynda’s final scenes in something or other, “Moving” .

Lynda Bellingham’s moving final scenes: Actress’s tears as she played role of mother dying of cancer opposite her own son

I’m sure she played a blinder.

And twenty minutes later – just enough time for the Chimp’s readershit to get into “finding final scenes moving mode” – the newspaper that just keeps caring provided the masses with the proof:

Lynda Bellingham plays caring mum in he final acting role

Come the 20th and the Chimp’s Chump readers must have been seething after the real monkey journalists revealed that someone had been taking the right fucking piss:

Lynda Bellingham could have been saved by a simple test: Star’s son says cancer went undetected for 18 months because she wasn’t offered a colonoscopy 

And that damning piece of investigative journalism was followed up with another preview of Lynda’s moving final scenes, just so as the Chimp’s Chumps could get madder still – as if they weren’t mad enough already – over the fact that there would be no more moving final scenes what with Lynda having been murdered by some cunt who couldn’t be arsed to put a tube up her arse… Probably a Muslim… And if it wasn’t then the Monkey-Munters would jolly well make sure that it was.

Lynda Bellingham stars alongside son in final acting role

Very moving… Not that I watched it.

Hubby Mick went back into the office on the 26th:

Lynda Bellingham’s husband says he found her ‘sobbing her heart out’ because she thought her job on Loose Women ‘marred her acting career’ 

Acting career???

December the 14th had Mick still hard at it:

I can’t bear to spend Christmas without her says heartbroken husband of Lynda Bellingham, as he reveals his plan to escape to Dubai for festive period

That will be a nice break for him.

And in true trooper fashion Mick was back at the office the very next day:

‘I knew she was loved… I just didn’t realise how much’: Lynda Bellingham’s widower Michael Pattemore expresses gratitude as he prepares for Xmas in Dubai without her 

That article begins with the words: Lynda Bellingham’s untimely death sparked a public outpouring of grief.

Now I have to say that I’m not exactly sure how her death was “untimely”, but then again I’m not a Real Journalist… A judge told me I wasn’t so ner.

Neither did I see any public outpourings of grief… Except in the Chimp and that doesn’t count for shit but does keep the crisis actors in beer money.

Mind you, it wouldn’t hurt for you to read that article because it is about as subtle as a bird in a skirt with no knickers on having a massive wet fart whilst going up a crowded escalator.

Nevertheless, Mick must have got a smashing bonus on Christmas day as the Chimp ran an article with the following profitable headline:

Lynda Bellingham’s widower hangs OXO cubes from tree after flying to Dubai for Christmas because he cannot bear to be at home without her

Now I gotta tell ya that you can overdo grief and husband Mick is starting to get right on my tits.

I mean come on, hanging fucking stock cubes on his Crimbo tree in Dubai – where Christmas is as much fun as a kick in the bollocks, as it is here – and making sure that the British press know about it, kinda negates his right to sympathy in my book… Especially when the article is pushing a charity.

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And after an extended Christmas & New Year break, Mick was back at work on the 15th of January 2015:

My wife kept the fact that she was adopted a secret for decades’: Lynda Bellingham’s husband shares his wife’s pain at being given up as a child 

Yeah we had it a lot more than once from the horse’s mouth Mick.

A week later and the Loose Women were riding the gravy train:

Loose Women stars honour the late Lynda Bellingham by wearing black and orange ensembles to National Television Awards

Course, by now even the Monkey-Boyz who will try and make paint drying newsworthy if needs be, were running out of things to say about Lynda.

So, I would imagine that it was “Thank Fuck For That” all round come February 11th:

Memorial service for Bellingham

Who’s Bellingham?

Course, this meant that poor Mick could step back into the limelight.

The final curtain call: Stars of stage and screen join family of actress Lynda Bellingham at memorial service for Loose Women star 

But is it really the final curtain?… And once again I have to say that those “stars” were not all that.

Veteran actor Robin Askwith appears virtually unrecognisable as he attends memorial service for former co-star Lynda Bellingham

Told ya… Although Askwith wasn’t virtually unmissable.

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Was he there to pay his respects or was he there as a means to raise his long burnt out stardom?

If he was there for the former then why the OTT ‘fancy dress’ that screams look at me? If it was the latter then the shallowness is degrading.

But let me ask you this. Why does a woman who was at best a jobbing actor need a memorial 3 months after having a massive, over publicised funeral?

Mind you, the Chimps final bit of publicity seeking shite for February the 11th must have surely put paid to any aspirations Askwith had of making a comeback:

Robin Askwith and Lynda Bellingham star together in comedy

After all, those comedies were as funny as having a bricklayer’s trowel rammed up your ‘japs eye’.

Still, with no more books to come, no more TV interviews whilst at death’s door, nothing of note worth repeating on TV to show, the funeral & the memorial spectaculars out of the way, surely now it was time for hubby Mick to return to obscurity and let Lynda RIP?

Was it fuck… Because despite Banana Dacre’s Dunces now giving Carole McMuffins “brave” cancer “fight” the Spectacular-Bellingham-Bonanza-Extravaganza treatment, Mick still managed to creep into the office the following month.

‘I still cry every day but I manage to laugh a lot as well’: Lynda Bellingham’s husband speaks about life without his ‘soulmate’ to raise awareness for bowel cancer

Forgive my negativity but I tend to be of the opinion that anyone willing to prostitute themselves for an agenda has relinquished ownership of their soul, and anyone who has been crying for 162 days in a row needs serious professional fucking help pal – whilst staying right away from the sick-fuck Monkey Boyz obsession with reporting on men crying.

Oh, and just so ya know, don’t cha know, Carole McMuffin’s claims to fame are being the first Ex-Mrs Chris Evans, being a more frequent panelist on the daytime TV show, “Loose Slappers” than what Lynda Bellingham was and talking about hers and her current Toy-Boy’s sex life with anyone who will listen.

‘I WILL get through this!’: Loose Women’s Carol McGiffin reveals her secret battle with breast cancer but insists it won’t beat her

Deja vu anyone?

All was then quiet on the Bellingham front until June 29th when Jewish Propagandist, Maureen Lipman, famous for playing an overbearing Jewish Mother in a long running series of adverts for British Telecom secured Maudling Mick another articles worth of non-news:

Maureen Lipman, 69, breaks down in tears as Lynda Bellingham’s widower, Michael Pattemore, is presented with a rose to celebrate his late wife’s legacy

A ROSE? A FUCKING ROSE? … Fair do’s.

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September 12th saw Mick return to Chimp Street with an earth shattering piece of news:

‘I accept my brave Lynda is dead… but she still talks to me from the afterlife’: In searing and candid new book, Lynda Bellingham’s devastated husband recalls their last hours together 

Or put another way, Unemployed Mick has a book to sell, with nothing in it that hasn’t already been done to death, having finally accepted something that had he not done would have seen him locked up in a mental elf unit… Although I have to say that I find the fact he’s hearing voices quite worrying… Along with the inclusion of the word “brave”.

Like I say, being “brave” applies to something you have a choice in.

Nevertheless, the book had given the Monkey Boyz from the real journalist division plenty to work with and the following day saw them come out with the following headline:

Lynda Bellingham’s husband Michael Pattemore reveals headstone designed by himself for his late wife… in the shape of a stage to honour her acting career

It was a small stage then?

In reality – if true – the fella needs urgent grief counselling, not encouraging… But alas, it is blatantly obvious that there is a much darker reason behind all of this bullshit.

I mean, did he write that book as a celebration of his wife’s life or did he write it to make money?

If the former were true then he will be charging just enough to cover the cost of publishing, although Lynda must have left him a couple of Grand… On the other hand, if he is charging the going rate, then he is seeking to profit from his wife’s death… Or is there another option that I have missed?

Nevertheless, ten days later there was another pairing up between Banana Dacre’s Dunces and Mick McMad:

How Lynda Bellingham begged her husband to marry again: Husband of ‘simply irreplaceable’ actress reveals her dying wish but says it will be ‘a long time before he keeps promise’ 

Why would she beg? Very strange.

Which takes us to the offering on the 24th that started this article:

I still reach for her hand in the morning’: Lynda Bellingham’s husband breaks down in tears as he speaks about life without his ‘soulmate’ nearly a year after her death

Who reaches for their old womans hand everyday as soon as they wake up unless they have a hard-on?

And apart from revealing that all proceeds of his book will go to a cancer charity – there was a third option after all – Mick had nothing else to say that wasn’t already well known… So no great windfall coming to the CEO of Action Against Cancer then.

Course, without doubt a huge part of the agenda is to turn us all into a nation of emotionally crippled jellyfish, which despite appearing to be working, all this false grief just leaves me cold I’m afraid.

I don’t do it and neither do I intend to start.

Which leaves me to end with a quick word about Jackie Collins.

You see in a Chimp article released three days ago, the Monkey-Nutz claim that the reason Jackie – who died a week ago – kept her breast cancer a secret for EIGHT years was because she didn’t think that her sister Joan was strong enough to cope with the news and just so as to reinforce their bollox claim the Monkey-Shitz have added a photoshopped pic of Joan & Jackie together in 2009:

Jackie Collins felt her sister Joan wasn’t strong enough to cope with the news of her cancer diagnosis.

The 77-year-old British author passed away over the weekend after a secret six-year battle with breast cancer.

She only told her sister she was battling the disease in the weeks before her death.

When asked why she waited so long to tell her sibling, Jackie told People magazine: ‘Because it would really have affected her. I just felt she didn’t need it in her life.

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And not a bottle of Cinzano Bianco in sight!

However, I don’t buy the account of Jackies death by breast cancer. I have known two women very well who have died from breast cancer from diagnosis, throughout the chemotherapy right through to death and neither were anything like Jackie’s… And both were an awful lot younger than she was.

I mean, for starters:

Jackie said she first discovered a lump in her breast in 2007 and chose not to go to the doctor.

So it wasn’t a 6 year battle like the Chimp claimed, but an 8 year battle.

And you don’t have cancer for 8 years. You get the all clear and if you are unlucky it comes back, sometimes very quickly. Indeed the figures based on those cured of cancer include those living for 5 years years once they are in remission.

So, at some point Jackie must have had the all clear so why did she not tell Joan then as a celebration?

And although it isn’t true that you always lose your hair with Chemo – one of those two women I knew didn’t – nine times out of ten you do, but even so, if the sisters were that close, I fail to see how Jackie was able to keep her treatment a secret.

And this is where the waters get muddied through lack of detail:

For her the cancer was not ‘silent’ and she would often get a ‘wavy feeling.’

She thought it was an indication the lump was growing, but had convinced herself it was benign.

Jackie was diagnosed after having a full body scan for an unexplained limp but by the time she found out, her cancer had spread.

She revealed her treatment included ‘a lumpectomy, radiation and various drug combinations.’

The acclaimed author used each of her treatments for about a year before she move onto something else. Source

See what I mean?

Indeed, I find the fact that Jackie ignored the lump for two years yet claimed to only have had a lumpectomy whilst at the same time claiming the cancer had spread, to be total bollocks.

Moreover, both of the women that I knew had chemotherapy and radiotherapy, yet Jackie makes it unclear as to whether she had Chemo or not, by simply stating that she had: “various drug combinations”.

And just like Lynda Bellingham, Jackie was totally inconsistent physically wise with someone who only has a couple of weeks to live:

Jackie Collins flew from Los Angeles to London to appear on Loose Women just over a week before her death – showing no sign whatsoever that she was terminally ill.

The best-selling author, who died on Saturday aged 77 after a six-year battle with breast cancer, was in high spirits and was still speaking about future plans, suggesting she may have taken a sudden turn for the worse after the 10,000-mile round trip.

Collins kept a busy schedule until her death, making her final, stoic televised appearance on the women’s chat show nine days before she passed away.

SHE FLEW TO ENGLAND! And no one noticed that she was terminally-fucking-ill? Fuck off wit’cha.

She spoke of how she enjoyed a ‘proper English cup of tea’ with scones on the British Airways flight to London, before heading straight to Marks & Spencer as she misses the British way of life while at her home in Beverly Hills.

Collins told the ITV show that she hoped to persuade Angelina Jolie to star in a movie adaptation of her latest novel, while also telling all about her ‘research’ for the sexual positions that feature in her ‘bonkbuster’ novels.

Despite secretly suffering from terminal cancer, Collins made the mammoth trip at the start of the month, meeting her sister Joan, 82, for dinner at Wolseley in Mayfair.

What did Joan say when they met up: “Hi Jack, you are looking a bit fucking peaky, I hope that you are eating properly”?

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Okay, she looks a bit thin in the face but at 77 years old with 9 days left to live she still looks better than most 50 year old birds I know:

She continued to promote her novel The Santangelos at book signings and in magazine interviews before appearing on Loose Women on September 10.

She gave no indication whatsoever that she was dying, with perhaps her only sign that something was amiss being her stumbling over the word ‘cancer’ as she chit-chatted with the hosts.

Of course, in true Jackie Collins style, she wasn’t talking about the disease, but was discussing the 1934 erotic novel Tropic of Cancer.

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Now looking at that photo I am in fact quite surprised that Gloria Honeybun hasn’t had fuck all to say on the matter since she, better than most, knows what someone about to die of breast cancer looks & acts like!

Gerron we’it:

By September 14 – five days before she died – she was back in LA for more interviews, showing Hello magazine around her mansion.

She had spoken of how she was writing another book, as well as her half-written autobiography. 

‘It’s called Reform School or Hollywood. One day, I’m writing that and the next I’m novel writing,’ Collins said.

‘One of my daughters picked it up the other day and started reading. She said, “This is like reading one of your novels,” but I think that’s a good thing. You’ll have to wait and see.’

Later that day she held her final interview, with People magazine. Source

So, what about Joan then, how is she bearing up?

She was left devastated just three days ago by the death of her beloved younger sister Jackie.

But Dame Joan Collins was determined not to let her friend, illustrator David Downton down as she attended his book launch on Tuesday night.

The grieving actress, 82, put on a brave face as she was supported by husband Percy Gibson and daughter Katy at the launch of Portraits of the World’s Most Stylish Women at Claridge’s in London.

Oh, so three days after what must surely have been a total shock, 82 year old, “devastated” Joan ‘bravely’ attends a book launch?

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Ooookay.

Following news of Jackie’s passing, Joan released a statement saying she was ‘devastated’ by her younger sibling’s death.

She said: ‘She was my best friend. I admire how she handled this. She was a wonderful, brave and a beautiful person and I love her.’ 

On Sunday, Joan posted a quote about grief, reading: ‘The reality is that you grieve forever. You will not “get over” the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuilt yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.’

She also admitted she was feeling ‘desperately sad’ as she struggled to come to terms with her loss, adding: ‘I know Jackie would want me to be strong but it’s hard to lose somebody so wonderful, so incredible and loving.’ Source

Hmmm, p’haps she should have a word with poor old Mick… Just sayin’.