May 4 2015
I am nearly finished my next article but I am fucked and unlikely to get it done now until tonight, even though it is a bit of a Sunday Spiv Special.
Therefore have this spoof story about the Chimp as a fill in.
After all, it could almost be true don’t cha know.
Daily Mail journalist chokes to death after accidentally reading own article
A promising tabloid journalism career was cut short today, when a junior Daily Mail reporter choked to death on his own bile after accidentally reading one of his previous articles.
25 year-old Simon Williams was at his desk researching an article, according to colleagues, when he began coughing and spluttering uncontrollably.
“At first, we didn’t think anything of it,” said Daily Mail Chief House-prices Correspondent Phil Matthews.
“It is not uncommon for journalists here to turn puce or even rupture blood vessels whilst working on articles – especially if the subject is the EU or immigration.”
“However, when Simon keeled over at his desk, it quickly became clear that this was something much more serious. We tried to revive him, but he had already stopped breathing.”
Daily Mail journo
Sources at the newspaper have revealed that Williams had been working on an election exclusive when he stumbled on his previous article about alleged secret Labour Party plans to turn Buckingham Palace into a drop-in centre for gay, lesbian and bi-sexual asylum-seekers.
“It was powerful stuff,” said one Mail journalist on condition of anonymity.
“Too powerful for an inexperienced journalist. Writing such articles is risky enough, but we had warned him about the dangers of accidentally re-reading his own work.”
This is not the first such tragedy to strike the Daily Mail newsroom.
In 2005, a copy editor bled to death after his hemorrhoids exploded while he was proofreading an article about the BBC.
Following that incident, the paper implemented a relay system of multiple copy-editors to proofread provocative content in segments and reduce the risk of adverse reactions.
It is not yet clear why Williams ignored procedure by reading his previous article in its entirety, but an investigation is already underway.
In a statement on behalf of his paper, Daily Mail Editor Paul Dacre spoke of his profound sadness at the loss of such a promising young journalist from his team.
“Williams possessed a natural instinct for what made a good Daily Mail story,” he told reporters.
“He should have had a lifetime of scaring the crap out of middle-England ahead of him.”