Crapastrophie, Terrapins, Ear’oles & Utter Shite

Newsweeder Cringe Spivey

 

Hello, good evening and welcome to the Daily Chimpanzee news – brought to you by me, Cringe Spivey.

And the headline story tonight sees the continuation of the Monsters fleecing millions of gullible people throughout the world in what is seen by those with the ability to think logically as a much unneeded cash bonanza, brought about via means of shock and awe total bullshit.

Indeed, some – namely me – have now taken to referring to last week’s earthquake as:”The Italian Job”.

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Unfortunately I will not be able to comment on those headlines seen above due to me having an aversion to reading sympathy eliciting fairy tales designed to defraud the moronic public of their hard-earned.

And besides, I have already amassed enough evidence for a future major article PROVING BEYOND ALL DOUBT that any earthquake that happened in Italy – if indeed one happened at all – caused NOWHERE NEAR the devastation reported by the world media.

Instead our resident expert – me – will give you an insight of what is to come when I get around to writing about the breath-taking, fake, money-spinner.

And so to start us off we have a heart warming headline story of how a ten year old little girl was pulled from the devastation alive and pretty much unhurt, 17 hours after the earthquake hit – which for the benefit of the totally soft in the head, I will now talk you through using Chimp photos and video screenshots that I have had to enhance myself just so as you can see the fraud taking place… Course, lousy quality photos and video footage are always a sure sign of a fraud in progress.

And viewers ought to be aware that the photos you are about to see contain scenes of horrific photoshopping.

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And as you can see, a fireman has had to crawl under a girder to get to the legs of a black adult, belonging to a white 10 year old girl, who is obviously buried upside down in the ruins of her home.

However, what isn’t made clear, or even mentioned at all for that matter, is how the building collapsed leaving the girls bedroom  (which it is safe to assume it is since the earthquake happened at 3:30 AM local time) above the roof, thus defying the law of physics.

Kinda like so:

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Very queer indeed.

Neither is it made clear or even fucking mentioned as to why the rescue workers didn’t move the small 4×2 inch girder first, save Fireman Michelangelo having to crawl under it and likewise there is no explanation as to why Fire-fighter, Mickey-A didn’t just jump into the large hole strangely found about 4 inches away on the other side of the girder – as evidenced by the door that you can see in the photos.

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Mind you, having looked closer that is a very thin door and I am not sure what that little girl type looking object is behind the strategically placed clear plastic right next to it.

Never-the-fucking-less, the fireman is still on his stomach in the photo but standing up at the same time which is a pretty cool party trick. He then takes hold of the black adults legs belonging to the white 10 year old little girl who is supposedly buried head down in the rubble and definitely not hiding behind a plastic sheet.

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And as he does the girls handler wearing a green jumper arrives – via a Honda S90 by looks of things. Strange how another fireman is idly standing around whilst members of the public assist his colleague don’t cha think?

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Michelangelo must then apparently think to himself: “Isa tu-tu harda ta pulla da legs out innit”, thus snapping the little white girls, adult black legs flat to the ground and crawling over them, presumably to see what is down the fucking great big hole on the other side of the 4 inch wide girder… Only to find that some cunt has filled it in!

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Course, Mickey-A’s dereliction of duty is obviously met with cries of : “Oi Mario… Wassa-madder-wit-choo. Getta the girlie out ya cray-see mudder-focker“(although fuck knows why they would call Mick, ‘Mario’)

This rebuke prompts the little girl’s handler to pretend that he is looking through the doorway or something so as no one apart from those of us really paying attention can see what happens next.

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You see, he then crawls back under the girder, having obviously re-dug the hole himself and in a move that I was unable to catch even going frame by frame…

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The fireman dragged the little girl out HEAD FIRST, looking remarkably clean. This prompts her handler to immediately grab her arm…

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And a reassuring look of understanding is passed between the two.

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After Which she gets back in character as the fireman, Mario Michelangelo hugs her, apparently unconcerned as to any broken bones that she may have such as broken ribs, which even the gentlest of  squeeze could result in her vital organs being punctured… But I may be being a little unfair as it is a bit much expecting a rescue fireman to know that.

I will also point out that if the backdrop is Italy then I am a Monkey-Boyz Uncle.

Indeed, knowing the sick-fuck Monsters and their ultra-sick sense of humour like I do, I would imagine that you are more than likely looking at the aftermath of an Israeli bombing raid on the Gaza Strip.

Nevertheless, the hero of the day then very slowly walks away, with the little girl still in his arms to much fucking applause.

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No damage done though – although you are not meant to know that this is the same girl.

Yet to crank up the donations even more the monsters were not shy about leaving dead kids dotted about here there and every fucking where.

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Like ya do obviously:

“Hey Luigi… Where am a putta da dead bambino f’fuckadasake”?

“Mama Mia Giuseppe! Putta da dead bambino ona da bench fo’da photo de graphs y’cray-see son oma beech”.

And to further reinforce the dead child child angle, they also had some soppy mush photographed carrying a pusha-da-chair around… Although fucka-de-knows-a-why… However, I really must stop typing in Robert De’Niro.

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♫ “I love ta buggy… You loves to buggy… We love ta buggy… On a Saturday night” ♫.

And to back the whole child angle up… Disney came to town

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Fucking amazing that amidst all that devastation Mickey Mouse and Winnie the Pooh made their way to the top of the pile… Least I think that is Winnie the Pooh… Still, it Disney matter much now.

Nevertheless, if dead children don’t get you reaching for your wallets then dogs surely will.

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Luckily the dog had his lead on in readiness for his morning walk.

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My apple-ogies, it must be a done thing for dogs in Italy to wear leads overnight.

Moving on and…

Huh? Wadya say? …

Pigs in blankets? …

What about them? …

Ohhh gotcha, don’t forget to mention the Pigs in blankets. I won’t…

Say again, I mustn’t do what? …

I mustn’t refer to the policemen playing victims as Pigs? …

No problem. I wasn’t going to anyway…

Can I get on with it now?

Thank you… Cunt.

Sorry about that viewers. I shall now continue:

And there were further reports of many earthquake victims aimlessly wandering around in blankets doing fuck all. Indeed they wouldn’t have been doing so had they had their Quaker Oats.

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HUH?

Well how the fuck was I to know that isn’t what you meant – I’m not a mind reader!

Sorry about this folks, we are having some communication problems but the above snappy snap is photoshopped anyway.

Mind you, what kinda country’s rescue services toss a body willy-nilly into a blanket and parade it upside down in front of the world’s press?

Well to answer my own question, I would imagine the very same kind that slowly walks a 10 year old girl to get medical attention having freshly fished her out of the ruins that she had spent the last 17 hours buried under, despite there clearly being an available stretcher board seen in the photo

Okay, I’m just getting word… Yes, I think we are just about ready now to go over to the blanket bollox.

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And I mustn’t forget the nun… It is Italy after all.

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There are no flies on the Chimp photo editors are there?

I mean who would have guessed that in their article about an earthquake they would include a photo that you would never in a million years realise depicted a bleedin’ blue nun, checking her mobile phone, whilst sat next to a pair of ladders with a blanket on top of them?

Is she comforting the injured ladders?

Are the ladders dead?

Is that a nun’s nightwear? It’s a bad habit if it is.

Do nuns have mobile phones?

Is she updating her status on Facebook?

Can you get hit on the head hard enough to cause bleeding through a thick band of brilliant white cloth yet still have no dirt marks to the impact area?

Would that be an act of god?

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Is she ordering a pizza?

Should she not have a wedding ring on?

Should she not be carrying a guitar and singing “climb every mountain“?

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However, it seems that she was evicted from her spot and the dead ladders rolled out of the way in order to make way for a fella with a little left leg & foot… Is he Daniel Daigo Lewis?

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Which proper pissed Mary Poppins off causing her to lose her faith in god and finally kick the habit… A proper case of; super-calor-gas-and-biscuit-frisky-halitosis… Or whatever it is.

Course, that is only a tiny fraction of evidence that I have stockpiled about this earthquake, which was doubtlessly deliberately engineered in the back of beyond by the Monsters.

And despite the place looking like somewhere Don Corleone would be born, it is still being billed as a major tourist resort. And that is if – as I say – the earthquake really happened at all.

I mean, if it did really happen then why would they need to use crisis actors, make up stories and photoshop the devastation?

However, if anyone thinks that an earthquake so powerful that its tremors could be felt over 200 miles away and which was capable of causing the following kind of damage to buildings.

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In FOUR towns…

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Whilst leaving chairs nice and neat and copper pots and pans undisturbed… Not to mention…

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… Leaving roads undamaged and trees growing on hillsides standing tall… Then you must be the kind of dumb-fuck who believes that they search for survivors using devastatingly powerful Hi-Macs.

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And as such, you should be reaching for your debit cards as I type, making your Red Cross donations directly payable to the Chariddy’s CEO.

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KER-FUCKING-CHING.

Turning to Terrapin News now and the unstoppable, half dozen or so strong, cut throat, ISIS terrapin organisation – mostly made up of children between the ages of 7 & 15  – have taken their terror tactics to Indonesia in their bid to strike terror into the hearts of the British population.

And doubtlessly capitalising on the success of the MSM’s fraud claim that the non-existent organisation murdered a French priest, the Chimp have put together some photos that they made in order to prove that the little lads have struck again.

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Indeed it would unfathomably seem that ICI leader, old Al Hand Baghdadi will dish the young fellas out bombs by the bucketful but he draws the line when it comes to guns.

Course you just have to read the old fanny accompanying the link photos to realise that it is an incredibly amateur attempt at creating a terrorist attack story.

I mean, if that bullshit were remotely true then we would be reading about how the unlikely looking jihadist is sat there in just his undercrackers concealing his ID card and *(cringe) a picture of the ISIS flag!

Thank fuck he didn’t shout “Allo Allo” or whatever the fuck it is that no self respecting terrapin would ever so much as utter under his breath… Even if he was hyper from the episode of Joe 90 that he had just watched… Or is it Ben 10 these days? No wait, silly me it’s Tree Fu Tom who is all the rage at the moment.

C’mon, you useless traitorous cunts, if you are going to sell out your fellow man and your own kids futures at least make it credible for fucks sake.

I mean, are we meant to believe that the Indonesian police are that inept that they do not search a terrorist who has just stabbed a priest until they get him back to the nick? They are not the Essex Constabulary y’know?

Mind you, quite how you stab someone with an axe is anyones bee’s wax, and why he would even try to in the first fucking place when he is supposedly wearing enough bombs “To Blow Up Hundreds Of Worshippers”, is way beyond me.

I mean would the priest have been exempt from being hurt by the explosion?

Did he have a guitar on at the time?

Was he singing ‘Climb Every Mountain’?

Are you Monkey-Kuntz not embarrassed or ashamed of yourselves?

Moving on and in ‘home shite’ the Monkey Boyz continue to blitz the British public with their latest bullshit craze for drowning stories whilst continuing to bestow hero status on people doing what is expected of anyone worth their salt in the first fucking place.

So let’s start with the bird who went for an early morning swim at around 7.20 AM, in the sea at Camber Sands.

You see, what happened is when she came out of the water and presumably got dried and dressed and what have you, she went home having forgot to put her shoes back on.

Course most people would have got off the beach and thought “Oh fuck, I forgot my shoes” and gone back for them… But not this person. She obviously thought “fuck the shoes” and carried on with her journey home.

Meanwhile, someone else must have been on the beach at that same undoggly hour and noticed the woman go in for a swim at 7:20 AM.

That person must then have fallen asleep or what have you, because he/she never saw the bird come out after her dip… Despite being close enough to notice that the bird’s shoes were still on the beach where she had left them.

Therefore, either the bird – who was said to be wearing a black bathing suit – came for a swim with neither clothes or towel, being as if she had and then drowned, her clothes and towel would also have been with her shoes still.

Or she went swimming with her clothes and towel in a Tesco carrier bag hung around her wrist by the handles, whilst cursing herself for not bringing two along so as she could have kept her shoes with her as well.

Or the person with nowt better to do than keep time on how long people go swimming for fell asleep on the job and feeling deeply embarrassed about doing so, quickly put 2 and 2 together making 5, which in their drowsy mind could only possibly mean that the bird had drowned.

It then seems like the emergency services were just as fucking illogical and launched the mother of all searches for her.

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But what I wanna know is how the swimmer heard about the search for her in the first place. I mean I live a short 10 minute drive away from Southend seafront. I also keep abreast of what is happening in the news. Yet I couldn’t tell you the last time that the Southend RNLI had cause to launch their life boat if my life depended on it.

Personally, I think that it is a made up story so as to give the Monkey Kuntz chance to repeat their [suspect] claim that 5 people were drowned at the same beach the week before.

Moving on and next up we have a story that is most definitely made up.

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You sure?

The couple have not been formally identified, yet Banana Dacre’s Dunces have published a photo of the bird holding a baby, they know her name is Barbara and they can state with authority that Bab’s was affectionately known as Nanny Purple, although for the life of me I can’t think why the purple clad woman would be known as such or by whom either.

Meantime, we also have a photo that someone took of our hero of the hour, ex-soldier (surprise, surprise) swimming to their rescue, yet somehow failing miserably to save them.

Yet quite why Paul Brain is elevated to hero status for doing what I hope anyone would do – who wasn’t busy filming for posterity obviously – is beyond me.

And we also have a photo of a badly damaged car which going by the way it is submerging in Hero Brain’s photo, it certainly didn’t enter the water there.

Carry on:

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Okay, we have a few more details emerging there.

Course, if the Monkey copywriter, Patrick Lyin or whatever his fuckin’ name is, thinks that stretch of water is freezing, then he wants to try swimming in the sea off Camber Sands at 7:20 in the morning… It’s cold enough to make you forget your fucking shoes, I can tell you… Nasty rip-tides too.

We also learn that this tragedy happened sometime last week making the fact that Nanny Purple and Grandpa Red-Cheeks haven’t been formally identified yet all the more baffling.

Cryptically, Hero Brain says that he couldn’t get deep enough to reach the front of the car… What is he Superman or something? Was he going to grab the front bumper and fly from the murky depths holding the car in one outstretched arm? Does he have a guitar? Was he singing Doe-A-Deer.

Mind you, to be truthful that fucking Julie Andrews is a bit gormless isn’t she? No sense of timing whatsoever.

I mean the dozy mare goes and finally gets her tits out for all to see at an age where nobody particularly wants to see them… But I digress.

We also find out that the car reversed into the water, so it must have gone over a drop in order to fall upside down into the sea, especially with the water being as deep as what it appears to be in the photo.

Yet surely any drop that big would have suitable barriers in front to prevent such a tragedy happening?

And after trying to free the couple on his Jack Jones, our intrepid hero was subsequently allowed to join in the police rescue operation, when in my experience they would normally thank you for your efforts and then tell you to fuck off whilst they went about cocking it up on their own.

The non-too-bright plod have also concluded that the driver was looking for a parking space, whereas I would be inclined to think that he had already found one or that he was high on crack cocaine… Carry on:

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WHATTTT??? They know that Bab’s is nicknamed Nanny Purple, they have a photo of her holding a baby, but they do not know her fucking surname? … Are these cunts for real?

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Here we go, this will be fun.

So first off we have an alternative police theory now being put forward, namely Grandpa Red-Cheeks wasn’t looking for a parking space, but instead may have hit the wrong pedal… Which wrong pedal would that be then if he was driving.

I mean, if the car was automatic the wrong pedal would be the brake which would have slowed the car considerably.

If on the other hand the car was a manuel he would have had a choice of two wrong pedals to hit, namely the brake of which I have already described the consequences of hitting.

Or the clutch which wouldn’t make much of a difference to him cept make the engine scream… Did Grandpa Red Cheeks just have the one leg or something?

Was he perhaps concentrating more on playing his guitar and singing ‘Edelweiss’ to Nanny Purple than he was concentrating on driving?

Did he even have a guitar?

Have his legs been counted?

Has his body been checked for traces of crack cocaine?

We then find out that the couple’s family who cannot be arsed to go and identify poor Nanny Purple and flatly refuse to tell anyone her surname have taken the time to thank those ‘heroes’ who proper fucking cocked up the rescue… Thanks for fuck all in reality then.

We also learn that tributes have been paid to Nanny Purple, which presumably come from people who knew her and who are also refusing to divulge her last name.

Is it a conspiracy of Silence?

Was she in the SAS?

Does no one like Grandpa Red-Cheeks?

Did he sing ‘Edelweiss’ out of tune?

As it happens that was my Grandad’s favourite song and he could play the Banjo, but he never drove backwards into a lake killing Grandma Alice – affectionately known by nobody as Nanny No Colour – in his whole fucking life.

Mind you, my other Grandad did drive his lorry into a ditch once, although whether there was water in it or not I couldn’t say and neither can I ask him as he has been dead for this long time… And he didn’t have Grandma Spivey with him either when he crashed, which is just as well because she was the type to go fucking bonkers… And come to think about it, Grandad Spivey didn’t talk much let alone sing and I would certainly be prepared to bet a penny to a pound that he couldn’t play the guitar either.

Nevertheless, Hero Brain says that he was in the army for 22 years, although what the fuck that has to do with anything is beyond me.

He also states that he was with his “partner” Sarah at the time of the accident, although once again, apart from confirming that he isn’t gay, just quite what the fuck that has to do with anything is beyond me.

He then finally gets to some relevant information by stating that he heard screaming and saw the car in the water… Although he doesn’t say who was screaming and the fact that he could see the sinking car means that the drop couldn’t have been much which then begs the question as to how the water could be so fucking deep.

He then says that he looked out of her studio window after hearing screaming and repeats that he saw the car… Huh?

Is she a tattoo artist or something?

Does she not have double glazing?

Is he a Parrot?

I for one would certainly pay good money to see a Parrot play the guitar and sing “You’ll never walk alone“… Even if the song is from ‘Carousel’ which starred Shirley Jones and not Julie Andrews.

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PHOTO: The timeless Julie Andrews.

Not to be confused with dave’s mum, Shirl.

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Shirl’s a MILF and no mistaking.

But nevertheless, Bungling Bill says that it was a nurse screaming for help so apple-ogies for saying that he didn’t say who was being a drama queen… Mind you, it is handy that it was a nurse, although she obviously did fuck all to help, but scream.

He then stripped down to his boxers although as far as I can see so far, he would have been better off putting on a pair of wellies.

Still, as long as the buttons were done up on his boxers there would be no real harm done, although I would have been fucked as I tend not to do mine up as I wee a lot due to the amount of tea I drink which means that I get fucked off doing em up, undoing em, doing em up, undoing em, doing em up… But I’m sure you get the picture.

He then says that he couldn’t open any doors which being a soldier he should have known that he wouldn’t be able to until the inside of the car had filled with water too – or does that only apply to those trying to open them from the inside?

He also says that he couldn’t smash a window… As if he is surprised by the fact. I mean it is hard enough to do on dry land with nothing to smash them with let alone under water.

The Lyin Monkey-Boy then writes that the plod turned up 10 minutes later, which although a poor response time was still quicker than the Essex thugs would manage, what with them being busy sitting in their posh cars outside mine or knocking on my door, harassing me.

So, what was Hero Brain doing in that 10 minutes? Surely not playing the guitar and singing “I am 16 going on 17”.

After all, a person could drown in 10 minutes.

Nevertheless, Pat Lyin then says that the copper got them out – with the help of Hero Brain although it doesn’t state how Hero Brain assisted and I must say that I am surprised that the copper didn’t wait for the obligatory 6 man back up.

The soppy cunt Lyin then tells us that Hero Brain was a Sergeant in the Royal Electrical, Mechanical Engineers, which just goes to prove that you don’t learn very fucking much in the army, since he was trying to open unopenable doors and smash unbreakable fucking windows… Fuck me Nanny Purple must have been hysterical.

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Now that all gets a bit confusing there because Steve Kendall isn’t the policeman who got Grandpa Red-Cheeks out. Steve Kendall is in fact a former policeman – although fuck knows what that has to do with anything – who gave Hero Brain a hammer to smash the car windows with whilst declining to get his own feet wet.

So, we now know that Hero Brain had a hammer, yet still he couldn’t smash the windows. Therefore you do in fact have to wonder to yourself how the fuck he managed to stay 22 years in the army in the first place.

Still the word Kendall used to describe Hero Brain with was an unusual one: “Supernatural”.

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That does not look like 20 ft to me and why the fuck would Grandpa Red-Cheeks be looking for a parking space on a boat launch?

Therefore, since the point that the car went into the water was not a 20 ft drop, or any drop at all – and the location is in fact nowhere near fuck all except new flats, then I’m afraid to say that I ain’t fucking buying it and furthermore see nothing to suggest that Brain was a hero.

Next up, a mush who died whilst attempting to swim the English Channel for the 2nd time… Although the circumstances surrounding his death means that he couldn’t have drowned.

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And this is yet another Chimp story that makes no sense whatsoever… Read on:

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Okay, lets have some facts first:

The distance between Dover to Calais is 21 miles.

The comedian David Walliams completed it in 10 hours and 34 minutes in July 2006 raising around £1million for Sports Relief. Walliams is not an athlete.

Captain Matthew Webb was the first person to swim unassisted across the Channel in August 1875 – it took him 21 hours and 45 minutes. Fitness levels were much lower back in the day.

The record for the fastest swim is 6 hr 55 minutes achieved by Australian Trent Grimsey in 2012.

Yet Nick Thomas was allegedly a super fit athlete who also had the benefit of knowing what was needed to complete the marathon doggy paddle, having done it before.

We are also informed by the Chimp that Thomas got into trouble 16 hours into his attempt having set off at 5:15 AM. Therefore he got into difficulties at around 9:15 PM.

We are also told that he still had 10 miles to go thus he was only just over half way and even assuming that he maintained the pace that he set off with he still had around another 16 hours of swimming to do, making his overall time – had he completed the journey – around 32 hours… An absolutely appalling time for one who claimed to be fitter than a butcher’s dog.

However it is also stated that he was pulled from the water in the “early hours” which at the earliest of early hours is twelve midnight… So what the fuck was he doing from 9:15 until then at the very earliest – two and three quarter hours minimum?

And why were the authorities not informed earlier? After all, if the paramedics had to perform CPR then he was clearly unconscious.

Moreover, if he was alone – although only someone with a serious screw loose would attempt to swim the channel without someone behind them in a boat – then who alerted the authorities that he was in trouble in the first place and how did they find him in the dark?

See, doesn’t make any sense at all does it?

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“He passed away doing what he loved” ??? What? Drowning?

“He just kept going“??? Errr, no he didn’t.

“He wasn’t wearing a wet suit by choice”??? Hmmm. Carry on:

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Does he look like an athlete to you? I mean he looks like he might have athlete’s foot but that is about as close as it gets.

Total bollox… I’m not buying it at all.

So, moving on to our final water story of the night we have a tall tale that even the Fucktard Monkey Boyz admit is probably fake.

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I think that I can help Banana Dacre’s Dunces with their uncertainty as to the authenticity of this story by removing the “probably” for them and confidently stating that it is a total load of old bollox.

Indeed, the notion that a Great white shark would attack its prey by popping its head out of the water in front of its target with the intention of lunging forward to bite its head of, thus giving its victim the chance to repel the attack by massaging the Sharks nose is preposterous and insulting in the extreme.

Indeed, the Shark, having evolved its predatory skills over hundreds of thousands, if not millions of years  would have had the swimmer’s legs off in that depth of water before he even saw the Shark coming… Talk about taking the piss out of their readers.

Moving swiftly on.

And in other utter shite news, the alleged fossilized bones of a T.Rex dinosaur – having been given their own passport [???] – have been flown from America to Holland.

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However, if you cannot see how you are being mugged off just by the headlines main photo then fuck me, you deserve all that is coming to you… “HE might need more fucking leg room” indeed… Cunts.

And finally we end this news round-up with health matters and a story about a “miracle” baby, born without “most of his skull” who has just celebrated his 2nd birthday.

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And again I am not buying it for various reasons, not least that the accompanying video is obviously fake and the shape of the baby’s head keeps changing.

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The photo itself comes courtesy of the Buell family – subtract the ‘e’ and what are you left with?

Nevertheless, the Chimp article – first published yesterday on the 28th of August 2016 – clearly states:

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SOURCE

Course as you might already have guessed, I believe that the reason for this story is to get people talking about Zika – the Monsters self created, scare disease of the moment which despite supposedly causing deformed heads in babies, joint fusion, alzheimer’s and death, the public are just not taking it seriously… And that is despite drafting in Little Bald Willie, Kate Gold-Digger-Smith, Peter Andre and a host of [at the time] British Olympic hopefuls (there was something not right about the Brazilian olympics) to help perpetuate the desired hysteria.

Yet the propaganda has all failed miserably even with the 510 articles that the Chimp has put out this month alone (August 2016), referencing the old bollox.

Course, the fact that the “miracle” baby has the top half of his skull missing yet wears fuck all to protect his brain should tell you all that you need to know about the stories credibility.

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Now according to the Chimp the baby has a condition called Anecephaly

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Tragic, and although the article strangely does not mention where the Bull family are from, that statistic would suggest that they are American.

Therefore since the Chimp is predominantly an English Shit-Rag you would have thought that the Monkey-Boy who wrote this shite would have at least sorted out the British statistics for the readers.

However, luckily for you I am not that lazy, apathetic and unprofessional although I didn’t seek out the British statistics either. But then again, that was only because I have no interest in them since I think this fraud story has a lot more of a sinister side to it.

So, instead I went looking for photos of babies born with Zika and guess what?

Despite infected babies allegedly being born everywhere in the world there is an awful lack of photo evidence to back the claims, with the same stock photo of a baby allegedly infected with Zika being used on nearly all of the articles detailing these births.

Mind you my Google search did throw up one or two interesting results – one of which I have published the screenshot of below… And by doing so I can now only hope that I don’t get arrested again for publishing the screenshot of a page showing the results of a Google search.

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Nevertheless, as you can see, the baby in the blue check shirt – who according to the stories is FEMALE – is featured in at least 3 of the eight websites thrown up in “Related Images”.

And if you click on the story about the mother with the two children shown in the photo above, you get a more recent photo of the two as you can see for yourselves below:

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Safe to say then that the baby in the blue checked shirt is definitely a girl… Although I will state with some confidence that the two little girls are one and the same.

If you then go to the 3rd story in ‘related images’ from your left, along the bottom row, that takes you to an undated article about Zika which features a photo of the same baby but in a slightly different pose.

And obviously the baby is being promoted as having the Zika virus.

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Now, although the Mosquito photo attached to the photo of the baby with Zika should be enough for you to get the gist of the article, I also realise that my excellent track record for honesty counts for fuck all, and as such the following is a little segment taken from the scaremongering piece of old bollox:

What’s really alarming is Zika virus is also spreading quickly. Cases had been reported in Colombia, El Salvador, Guatemala, Mexico, Paraguay, Panama, Suriname, and Venezuela by October, 2015. Recently, it’s in Puerto Rico. Source

Indeed, I have repeatedly long made public any skeletons that I have and they did not come anywhere close to me belonging to a cult that tortures and rapes children from the age of two years old upwards… And contrary to what some sewer dwelling, no-mark pieces of shit would have you believe, I have NEVER once been caught out telling porky-pies… And just to reinforce the fact I will offer £10,000 pounds to £1000 pounds for anyone who can evidence me doing so. I could really do with the cash… Nuff said

However, to me the Zika infected baby in the blue shirt – be she female or not – still looked far too close in appearance to that of our just turned two year old “miracle baby”, Jaxon Buell, for me to just end my investigation there.

So I Googled the image and after trawling through pages of results all telling of the horrors of Zika and how we are all doomed, I came upon the following result:

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And when I clicked on the link – which as you can see was published 11 months ago – I was taken to a story on an English speaking Pakistani based website specifically about… Yep you guessed it. The story is about Jaxon Buell who definitely does not have Zika.

Therefore that obviously begs the question as to why Jaxon is being portrayed by other websites as being a girl and as having Zika if the deadly infection is real… And of course the only real answer that I can come up with is that Zika isn’t.

There is however a vaccination available although there is nothing to vaccinate against. And since Vaccines take on average 10 years before they are declared as safe as can be and made available to the public, anyone letting a Doctor inject them with the less than a year old Zika Vaccine cannot complain when they either die prematurely or when their offspring are born with horrible deformities.

IGNORANCE in this day and age is no longer a defence where the pharmaceutical industry is concerned I am sorry to say and indeed I lost patience a long time ago with people who on finding out the consequences of their actions bleat: “I didn’t know”.

So what about Jaxon’s parents. Did they know that their son was being used by the world’s press as being a female Zika victim?

Of course they fucking did. The photos in that article on the Pakistani website is more than enough to evidence that fact:

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Now that is a screenshot of the article in full, with the only two photos being the two that are used to promote/spread panic around the 1st world about a deadly disease that does not exist .

Moreover, you will hopefully of noticed that once again there is no mention of where the Buellshit family come from.

However, the fact that the first word to begin the article is “London” kinda suggests that the couple are from the UK.

Course, by the same token the fact that the article states that the Buellshits have had to start “crowdfunding” partly because Brittany Buellshit has had to give up work and partly because of expensive medical bills, would in turn suggest that they are American.

Indeed, that indication is further backed-up by the fact that they are using the wholly unimaginative, extremely cringe worthy hashtag line of “Jaxon Strong” to help the old donations flood in.

And flood in they did because whilst I cannot tell you what the total stands at today, I can tell you that by December 2015 the total stood at $162,000 or around £123,600… Not bad when you consider that Jaxon’s head is nowhere near as bad as that what we see in the photos.

I know this for a fact because I am an expert at seeing where pictures have been photoshopped and the ‘other’ photos of Jaxon that I found in two other articles are sloppily done.

And guess where I found these two articles that do in fact confirm that the Buellshits are from America – Florida to be exact? Yep you guessed it, both are Chimp articles which can be  found HERE and HERE

The first is from September 2015 and the second is from December 2015 – both of which shamelessly exploit Jaxon to elicit cash.

Course, quite unsurprisingly neither article carries the photos of Jaxon in the blue shirt which are used as Zika propaganda, but every single photo used in the Chimps new article – including the video – are also included in the two aforementioned articles, despite there being much more up to date ones available.

I am however going to end this news-round-up here because I have just uncovered something which makes this last story huge and worthy of a major article in itself.

However, think on: The fact that the Buellshits allowed their ‘son’ to be portrayed as a Zika victim removes all of their rights to public sympathy.

Indeed, there really are some proper evil people in this world.

Nuff said… For now.