Christopher Spivey


Well it had to happen sooner or later!

“What did Spiv”?

Hi Voicey… Me getting caught out.

“You been sniffing round Mrs Jones again… I told you that Mr Jones was the suspicious type”.

Shut up ya nutter. Me & Mrs Jones ain’t got a thing going on.

“So what you been up to then? Ere! You ain’t been down that Blue Oyster Club have ya”?

No Voicey. I’m cointelpro.

“I blinking knew you were. You can tell by the way you walk… All mincey and that”.

Get real Voicey… Oi, what’s wrong with the way I walk… Forget I asked that. I am a government agent – cointelpro.


I’m also an actor.

“Get outta here! You’re a bit of a drama queen, but definitely not a lesbian”.

Thespian Voicey.

“Ive never noticed your lisp before Spiv, but yes actors are called lesbians”.


“There it goes again. You ought to try speech therapy… So what parts have you played? Phil Mitchell? Uncle Fester? Mr Magoo… Do coinprotel us”.

I’m David Kennedy in Holyoaks.

“Get the fuck outta here”!

I Am look:



Please yourself but I think if you spoke to Austin Allegro he would tell you different.Biometrics see. Its all in the ears.

“Biobollocks more like. So you’re telling me that anyone with big ears is you are they? … You’re Prince Charles”!

Probably Voicey. Take the piss all you want but according to Austin Morris: “Biometrics are based on mathematical algorithms,specifically the Ears as they are unique to every individual on the planet, they are like giant fingerprints on the side of your head”.

And he is an expert… Least he tells everyone that he is so it must be true.

“A bleeding dick squirt more like. So I take it you will be hanging round with the likes of Bobby Davro next”

I have spoken to him once or twice, yes.


Please y’self.

“I know for a fact that you have no time for knob-ed celebs Spiv”.

True Voicey. Very true, but what you don’t know is that Bobby Davro is really Bill Maloney.

“GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE… So you are saying that Bill Maloney is coinhotel too”!

Yep… Check it out for yourself.


See? Its all in the ears my son… Biowhatsits don’t lie.

“Ha ha, Austin Texas ain’t no Austin Powers, thats for sure… And I ain’t your son… Talking of which, does Stacey know that your quidsin… Cointelpot … Or whatever it is”?

Stacey isn’t my son, Voicey.

“Yeah, yeah, you know what I meant. So, does she know”?

I doubt it, on account of she doesn’t exist… Being a Jew, I tend to lie a lot. The information is right HERE… Proper clever cunt is old Austin.

“Proper Cunt, I don’t know about clever… And since when have you been Jewish”?

Ever since ZigZag – or whatever the pathetic piece of shits name is – decided I was apparently… But since Old Austin has confirmed it, then it must be true… You can’t argue with such compelling evidence Voicey.

After all, ZogZigs of sound mind and Austin is a bisexual expert… He certainly caught me out pretending that I have a daughter.

“That’s you finished then Spiv”.

“Seems so… I had a good run though Voicey”.

So, are you going back to tattooing then”?

Am I fuck!, I am going into Biothingys. In fact I have a flair for it.  For instance, Margaret Thatcher is really Camilla Parker Bowles… Its all in the fucking ears:


“Do you know what? You might be on to something there Spivak. That is definitely a young Slaggy Maggie.. Whats the header photo got to do with all this nonsense though”?

Fuck all mate. I just thought it was funny as fuck… Fancy a bagel?