Better by Smiles


Ruth Smiles


When I first received the following article via Email, me old heart skipped a beat. You see, I thought it was from that lil minx at the Mail, Ruth Styles.

Never the less, I’m sure Ruth Smiles is equally as lovely and even if she isn’t, the article is still worthy of a read.

Should anyone else wish to to submit an article to me, I am always happy to publish well written work… Provided that I agree with the content of course… It is my name above the door when alls said and done.

Firstly I would like to visit the heart wrenching case of Stephanie Bottrill of Solihull who recently committed suicide by walking into the path of an oncoming lorry. An act of her own volition yes, but one spurred (as penned by Ms Bottrill herself prior to the event), by the sheer hopelessness of her having recently been targeted by the pork shank complexioned Mr David Cameron’s bedroom tax. 

Of course being married to the Margert Thatcher Fashions supporting mule of Samantha whilst also having to remember to exercise and feed the Cameron families pet leader of the Liberal Democrat Party occasionally, one may forgive Mr Cameron for overlooking the fact that the UK populace are fast being driven to complete poverty. 

It is due therefore to a certain empathic understanding of our Prime Ministers extraordinarily busy schedule. Especially what with his current struggle in desperately trying to find a logical justification for borrowing more money from the House of Rothschild in order for our military to needlessly assist in massacring some more Muslims in Syria. (Not forgetting of course all the stress he must be having in looking for an alternative place to hide all the children’s skeletons currently stored in Downing Street and Windsor wardrobes). That I as a humble subject of the realm would like to wade in with a solution of sorts to the anguish currently suffered by the British populace in regard to the bedroom tax and soaring suicide rates. 

You see what we need in my opinion, is a collective psychic boost of moral. An effort by our establishment elite which demonstrates unequivocally that we and them are all in this thing together. 

In this case I would like to suggest that our esteemed Monarch (being after all our head of state who signs into law Mr Cameron’s legislature) capitalizes on the current mood of the nation in order to lead the way in both demonstrating a certain solidarity with her subjects as well as finally putting aside those nasty speculations of her being the head of a family of generational Satanists.

‘But how?’ You ask.

Well I would suggest Spivey that our sovereign could begin by doing as Stephanie Bottrill did earlier this year and plan a speedy visit to Westminster Council with Phillip in order to report Her Majesties current abode containing no less than 52 spare state bedrooms. After all Her Majesty could easily re-coup the £20 extra council tax per room then applicable by seeking a lodger or 52. Property prices and rents in the capital are after all exorbitant therefore I am sure that she could easily find an innumerable number of applicants.


Of course even if Her Majesty decided against renting out her spare rooms, I am sure that £53760 of extra council tax per annum wouldn’t cause too much of a financial misery to the palace due to the Royal household being allocated upwards of £36,000,000 now in state benefits per annum as well of course as making £220,000,000 on average per year in revenue from ticket sales to the general populace in return for tours of the crowns property portfolio.

‘Off With Her Bed!’ Our national red tops could cheer at such a magnanimous act of our Sovereign joining in with us in our struggle against austerity. Already in fact I can imagine almost Jubilee-Esq small national celebrations the likes of which we have not now been afforded since the passing of a pedophile ring complicit demented red head from Gratham a couple of months ago.

With that said however I must now touch on what is perhaps a rather controversial subject . One in fact which our said Sovereign will most definitely disagree. You see of late I have become a firm supporter of our governments drive to protect our children both physically and emotionally from potential harm caused by inadequate parents and family situations.

In fact that Belgium and French national press can point out that Westminster’s coffers are now bulging with billions of pounds sterling couped directly from this endeavor, I completely agree with the Blair come Cameron policy of identifying children pre-birth who might suffer after the event, the horror of physical and/or emotional neglect at the hands of their very own parents.

It is with great regret therefore that aside from pointing out that our Royal house hold has an excess of 52 spare bedrooms in just one of their properties, I must also point out that the as yet unborn heir to the British throne should and perhaps must be placed into the care of the state as soon as he or she is delivered. 

The royal household has for instance been living primarily off state benefits since 1066. What is more not only does the royal household partake in the enjoyment of blood sports on a regular basis (such as fox hunting etc) but there is mounting evidence now that Windsor has been dispensing the highest honors of the kingdom for quite some time on perverts and pedophiles.

What is more the future heirs grandfather and great grandfather are now very well known to have had rather camaraderie relations with the Kingdoms strangest looking Satanic DJ for the duration of his career and decades long rampage between the thighs of the kingdoms minors. With this and the fact that the house of Windsor are the last public practitioners of nepotism (as well as in the case of the Duke of Edinburgh, racism). I personally would see it as a monumental failure of our social services should they not move to ensure the welfare of our future heir the minute he or she crowns in the delivery sweet of the Royals own Masonic hospital. 

Of course I know that this would be very distressing to the royals. Especially the Duchess of Cambridge. However although the Duchess has only recently married in to the royal family, I myself have already come to suspect that this act may itself be evidence of a borderline personality disorder. After all not only has the former Miss Kate Middleton married into a family, the matriarch of which believes herself directly anointed by a middle eastern ethereal being in the sky whom no one has seen or heard in 2000 years; but one which is well known also for adultery, incest, child abuse, treason and the practice of eugenics.

Further more it would, would it not, greatly restore credibility to the much suffered reputation of London borough social services if they were to take immediate steps to ensure the physical and emotional welfare of the future heir to the Commonwealth?
Due also to the fortitude of our country having completely secret family courts one could be rest assured that the Duchess of Cambridge and Prince William would be spared any embarrassment caused by such an intervention as the press and public media would simply be prohibited from reporting on the matter. A standard we can rest assured would be upheld ever more stringently than it may have been in previous years due to media standards now being outlined and enforced by the findings of last years Leverson inquiry.

Of course because of my concerns regarding the welfare of our future heir I have already attempted to notify Westminster Council Children Services Team however they did not seem to share my concerns or even take them the least bit seriously. In fact one sweet sounding young man seemed particularly uncomfortable with my suggestion that an assessment should be made of the Duchess of Cambridge’s ability to ensure the emotional and physical well being of her first child. 

(That said I do hope that I have not in doing so caused that nice man who took my call to begin contemplating suicide).

I firmly believe however that each of us in this Big Society of ours should both continually report on matters such as this to our Marxist masters and that we should all equally bear the burden of austerity. Whether that is we have a spare room or two in one of our palatial residences or a box room in our mother in laws red brick terrace in Solihull. 

I’ll end this now and in doing so must apologize for my referring to our Fuhrer Mr Cameron’s pasty raw pork shank complexion. Perhaps being out of work and living off Tesco value tuna flakes is really starting to take its toll. That said I stand by my reference to Mr Cameron’s wife looking rather like a donkey. I mean its like someone ran over her face once and the plastic surgeon putting it back together after had a thing for Black Beauty. At least of course Mrs Cameron doesn’t have that robust butchers wife physique of our previous Prime Ministers wife. And at least these days I do not have to send letter after letter into Points of View insisting that images of Cheri Blair should only be shown on television after the 9pm watershed.


Alas I am a bit bitter aren’t I? I just hope that a week from now I’m not found with bruised wrists hanging from my bedroom pound stretcher lamp shade with a note requesting that the PPI refund people who call me sixteen times a day pay off whats left of my mortgage.

Its been good writing this though and my mother did always say that I should try and write something one day. 

Therefore do with this what you Mr Spivey. Even if you think its a bit off the wall and decide to move it straight to trash its still felt good putting some thoughts on paper 

Yours Sincerely 

Ruth Smiles

A woman from Nottingham who hopes that you do to.