Basically… We’re fucked


Spiv & Chimps


There is actually quite a bit of news today.

Shame really then, that I haven’t got the time to spare to give it the attention that it deserves.

Never the less, I can still make time to throw the articles open for discussion.

However, before I do, take a look at this fella in the photo.


Do any of you recognise him.

I have seen him before, but I’m fucked if I can remember where.


His mother certainly does.

And I know her name.

2014-06-13 03-12-32.143

So if you know, then let me know.

Okay, let’s do Madeleine McCann:

Police yesterday abandoned their search of scrubland in the Portuguese holiday resort where Madeleine McCann disappeared seven years ago.

The British team of specialists did not find any clues to her disappearance during the eight-day operation.

But they said the multi-million-pound inquiry will soon move into a new phase after negotiations with the Portuguese authorities.


But what happened to all the JCB’s that were coming?

After all, we were promised JCB’s:

Detectives say the searches are the logical next step in their multi-million pound inquiry and may coincide with arrests. They are waiting for permission from the Portuguese authorities before going ahead.

Forensic officers will use ground-penetrating radar to examine sites where earth has been disturbed over the past decade.

They will then move in with mechanical diggers and other earth-moving equipment. Finger-tip searches will also be used.


And what about the 8 suspects to be questioned?

After all, we were promised that there was going to be 8 suspects questioned:

Scotland Yard detectives searching for Madeleine McCann in Portugal have been granted permission to question their prime suspects, it has emerged.

Police identified eight local men earlier this year who they believe could hold the key to solving the mystery of Madeleine’s disappearance.

The suspects, three of whom are convicted drug dealers, were traced from phone records linking them to Praia da Luz on the night Madeleine was last seen alive.


And why is this daft cunt still in a job?


Did ya notice that they didn’t go and dig up Murats driveway? Despite the offer to do so from Jennifer Eccles Murat and the odd bod plod squad having the tools to hand to do the job.

Hmmmm… Very strange.

Moving on and you can forget all about Procol Harum being bad asses mate!

Shaboom Shaboom?

Pussies pal.

Alchy Aida?

Don’t make me fucking laugh.

Its ISIS that you wanna shit ya pants over pal, and no fucking messing.

“Who Spiv”?

Oh hello Voicey. ISIS, the new kids on the block as of today… Three fucking stories in the Chimp alone. Be afraid my son, be very afraid.

“I’m not with you. Who is ISIS”?

ISIS… The Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant… Don’t ask me how that works though.

I would guess that ISIL isn’t catchy enough… And besides ISIS is an ancient goddess who is worshipped by the Satanic Elite… For instance the Statue of Liberty is actually a depiction of ISIS.

Course, the easily led believe that the Statue of Liberty represents freedom but it is actually reverse symbology my son, and represents slavery. 

PHOTO: Rihanna’s tattoo of the Goddess Isis 

Isis was also the mother of Horace… Not the Horace who married Doris of course.

I am talking about Horace – the son of Isis and Osiris, who has the all seeing eye symbol… You know as in the Eye of Horace.

“Horus Spiv”.

Pretty terrifying Voicey yes:

The Iraqi government policemen and soldiers in Mosul abandoned their weapons and uniforms with barely a fight against the army of black-clad killers from the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL) terror group.

The gunmen quickly laid their hands on a mass of abandoned U.S. military equipment to add to their massive arsenal, ranging from Humvee vehicles to night-sights and body armour.

Among the first acts of this ruthless force of Islamic militants was to liberate 2,500 prisoners from two jails – many of them terrorists who immediately joined their ranks.


Do me a fucking favour. This shit really has gone far enough.

Fuck me, Samantha Lewthwaite will be marrying the fucking leader next week.

Now listen to this old bollox:

Meanwhile, ISIL terrorists are also on the verge of taking Iraq’s largest oil refinery in the town of Baiji, 130 miles north of Baghdad and have taken Saddam’s hometown of Tikrit, too.

The evening before, ISIL chiefs phoned Baiji’s sheiks, and told them to warn policemen and soldiers to lay down their arms or be killed. They meekly complied.

Who are ISIL and why do they inspire such fear? Could they really, as serious commentators and political leaders suggest, threaten not only the entire stability of the Middle East but also bring a new reign of jihadist terror to the West?

One thing is certain: this formidable army is a very different beast to the Iraqi branch of Al Qaeda from which it originated and which fought the U.S. and the Iraqi government from the 2003 invasion until American troops left in 2011.

ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha

Sorry… Just give me a second.

ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha

Unbefuckinglievable… What a bunch of cunts those Monkey Boys are!

Show us a photo Monkey Boys.

Brutal: Masked ISIL gunmen gather in the Iraq desert

Just give me a minute.

ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha, ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha, ha, ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha

Check out the white trainers… Check out the fucking desert… Check out the ankle of the cunt with the rocket launcher.

Banana Dacre is taking money under false pretences… You should all ring the IPCC and complain because the monkey cunts are deliberately breaking press regulations.

And that is just the first fucking story.

Here is the start of the second:

The Islamist militia which today took a second major city in Iraq and is turning its eyes south towards the capital Baghdad is so ruthless and extreme that even al-Qaeda has cut ties and distances itself from them.

The Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant (ISIL, also known as Isis), used to be part of the international terror network, but was cast out in February this year in light of its violent behaviour towards rival jihadist groups.

It is famed – and feared – for spreading hardline Islamic law to the areas it subdues. Transgressors are sentenced to death and swiftly executed in public, their bodies left to decay in the streets.

Marauding: Isis militants are seen above, allegedly outside the city of Tikrit, which fell today to their forces

Extreme: The fighters were once part of al-Qaeda, which has cut ties with the group. They have now taken control of Saddam Hussein's home town
Tensions: The Isis fighters are from the Sunni branch of Islam - as was Saddam Hussein - in contrast to the current Shia government

This treatment has even been doled out against other jihadist leaders, who have been assassinated in a brutal struggle over strategy in the Middle East. Young jihadists are increasingly drawn to Isis over less extreme groups – particularly in the light of their rapid military progress through Iraq.

In the past two days the group has overrun the northern city of Mosul, and today also took Tikrit, the hometown of executed Iraqi ruler Saddam Hussein.


Just give me a minute.

ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha, ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha, ha, ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha


They aren’t the men in black from the first photo… They must be the hardest fucking dozen or so cunts around though to have accomplished all that old bollox.

Lets have a look at their handy work.



Just give me a minute.

ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha, ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha, ha, ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha… Cunts.

So who is incharge of this frightening fifteen:

The transformation of ISIL came about under the command of a shadowy 42-year-old ex-preacher called Abu Bakr al Baghdadi – who was captured in southern Iraq in 2005 after being identified as  Al Qaeda’s point man in a flyblown town in Iraq’s western desert.

According to a Pentagon document, he was ‘connected to the intimidation, torture and murder of civilians,’ as well as publicly executing ‘entire families’. 

Astonishingly, he was released in 2009, possibly because of some amnesty agreement or through confusion – his name is a nom de guerre used by several people.

‘We either arrested or killed a man of that name about half a dozen times,’ explained Lieutenant-General Sir Graeme Lamb, a former British special forces commander who fought Al Qaeda in Iraq.

Today, with a $10million bounty on his head, Abu Bakr al Baghdadi wears masks and avoids being photographed – the only image of him is a U.S. prison mugshot of a thickset man with cropped hair. 

ISIL became the richest terror group ever yesterday after stealing £256 million from Mosul’s central bank. 

Funding also comes from shadowy opponents of President Assad’s regime, and it extorts more than £600,000 each month from the prosperous citizens of cities such as Mosul, where it has long been a covert presence.

I’m not laughing anymore… Although I really should.

Are these cunts for fucking real?

“Abu Bakr Al Baghdadi”! 

Have the Chimp readers all got IQ’s of 75?

“Abu Bakr Al Baghdadi”! … I know his English counter part Abu Bakr Al Londoni

Mind you, I see the Syrian Freedom Fighters are no longer flavour of the month… Any photos of Baggy Bill?

Violent and mysterious: This undated photograph is one of only a few in existence showing Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the head of Isis

Fuck off witcha!

That is just Alexei Sayle without fucking ears!

And I will tell you now, honest to fucking Dog, just reading some of the comments made me embarrassed to be part of the human race… We are fucked… Totally, totally fucked.

Still, perhaps there is some hope in the 3rd article:

It’s taken a week, but the long-awaited fight back has finally come.

Thousands of Iraqis young and old have answered the beleaguered Shia-led government’s call to arms and signed up to protect the capital, and country, from ISIS militants.



Actually, forget it. I can’t be arsed to comment… The cunts who are running this country have to go.

Elsewhere its nice to see that people are still falling off balconies:

Two teenagers fell to their deaths from a balcony yesterday as they cuddled at a party to mark the end of their exams.

Anastasia Tutik, a 19-year-old Russian, and a Mexican known only as Miguel, 18, were in a clinch when they lost their balance.

The drop of more than 60ft from the sixth floor killed them instantly.


Obviously that isn’t the only story of Balcony diving in today’s Chimp. However, I am fucked if I can find the other one.

Indeed, it has probably been replaced by some other old bollocks.

Next up, and Mary Rockefeller has been talking about the death of her brother in 1961:

The twin sister of Michael Rockefeller – who vanished in New Guinea in 1961 – has revealed that she was so devastated by his death that she saw his face in crowds for years afterwards.

Mary Rockefeller Morgan, whose father was the governor of New York at the time her brother went missing, has spoken in depth for the first time about his death and how her wealthy family insisted she must never cry about it, even though she was heartbroken.

The 76-year-old psychologist, who is based in New York and specializes in twin bereavement, also dismissed claims that her brother had been killed and eaten by cannibals and instead said she believes it is more likely that he drowned after he was stranded at sea.



Get over it you cunt… No one cares and when people finally grow a backbone you and your scum family will be reunited with him.

I also see that Angie Pit has been doing her bit for the elites:

Angelina Jolie today appeared visibly moved and close to tears at the ‘End Sexual Violence in Conflict’ summit in London, which she is co-hosting with Foreign Secretary William Hague. The summit is the largest ever held on subject of sexual violence in war.

The actress’ eyes welled up as she listened to victims of sexual assault speak about their experiences and spent time with them afterwards, discussing the issues they face and embracing delegates.


She is a fucking actress you daft cunts.

Making herself cry and pretending to give a fuck is what she does for a living.

The only person Jolly Ange cares about is her fucking self.

The actress spoke on BBC Radio 4's Women's Hour this morning about how affected she had been by meeting victims of sexual attack

PHOTO: Your looks are going Ange, you are beginning to look like skeletor… I’ll bet that is a bitter fucking pill to swallow.

Fuck me, you will be believing that old fanny about her having had her tits off next.

And finally the sick old fuck the Duck has been getting the blue rinse brigade moist with fables about his war heroics:

His comrades saw it as a courageous act that saved dozens of lives.

To Prince Philip, however, it was nothing more than a ‘frightfully good wheeze’.

The Duke of Edinburgh has spoken publicly for the first time of how he saved a Navy ship from a German bomber in 1943. And the 93-year-old was typically phlegmatic about his exploits.

He told how the destroyer he was serving on during the Allied invasion of Sicily was spotted by a Luftwaffe plane that looked certain to sink it.

The Duke, who was second in command of HMS Wallace, foiled the attack by launching a burning life-raft from the ship. The German pilot attacked the raft, allowing the destroyer to escape.



Drop dead you loathsome, lying, nonce  cunt.

If you believe that you will believe that ISIS are cut throat terrorists hell bent on taking over the world… Just sayin’.

I do however have one final thought for you.

The world has changed and as it has, people have changed in order to fit in… How fucking sad is that.

We have no one else to blame but ourselves.