Ant & Shit


Christopher Spivey


Now as it happens, Ant & Dec had not escaped my attention long before this totally made-up story about Anthony ‘Ant’ McPartlin having a car crash while over the drink-drive limit appeared.

Indeed, it is however fair to say that the fall of McPartlin has followed the usual tried and tested route that the Monster-Minions always use i.e create a load of negative headlines about the intended target a year or so before the the big one just to prime the public so as when it comes there is no real surprise.

And in McPartlin’s case those pre-headlines started in June 2017 when it was revealed that he was addicted to prescription drugs (yawn) and his marriage to his wife Lisa Armstrong (note the different surname despite Lisa being known for fuck-all) was falling apart (bigger yawn).

Course, with Ant being a “national treasure” the reason for the marriage breakdown & drug addiction could not be blamed on him being a complete cunt and as such the reason for McPartlin’s downfall was passed off as being caused by him suffering crippling leg pain:

He was rumoured to be battling marriage woes with his ‘upset’ wife of 11 years, Lisa Armstrong.

And Ant McPartlin, 41, suggested their relationship might be in trouble as he stepped out without his wedding ring in London on Saturday. 

The much-loved presenter, who checked into rehab for alcohol and painkiller addiction earlier this year, looked downcast while walking the couple’s dog Hurley.

Ant also wore a leg brace strapped to his knee – left behind after an operation on his knee went wrong in 2014, leaving him in ‘intense pain’.

His outing comes after his marriage to make-up artist Lisa was rocked by claims of trouble.

According to the Daily Star, Lisa is ‘upset’ with Ant, who previously admitted he had put his wife ‘through hell with mood swings and depression‘ during his battle, and that the pair are spending increasing amounts of time apart.  

A source told the newspaper: ‘She’s had a rough year. And she’s made it clear it’s because of Ant. Source

PHOTO Ant McPartlin in a leg brace

I should also point out that it was the Chimp-Kuntz who circled his hand. And not to show that he was a good boy by carrying a poo-bag to pick up his dog’s shit with.

In fact the reason that the would-be journalists circled his hand is to show that Ant wasn’t wearing a wedding ring… TA-DA, proof if it was ever needed that the McPartlin ‘marriage’ was in trouble and a tactic that the Monkey-Kuntz use on a seemingly daily basis to prove that some knob-ed celeb or other’s marriage is in crisis.

However, June 2017 is the earliest mention that I can of this leg operation that went horribly wrong and which was supposedly carried out sometime in 2014… No surprise there then.

Nevertheless, the lying cunts at the Chimp still managed to produce just short of FOUR HUNDRED articles between June and December 2017 detailing Ant’s drug addiction and marriage breakdown… FOUR HUNDRED!

Moreover, June 2017 was also the same month that the shit-rag began releasing an upsurge in articles about Scarlet Moffatt – the bird that the fibbing toads are now trying to insinuate that McPartlin is having a fling with and is the real cause behind the breakup of his marriage:

Scarlett Moffatt continued to distance herself from Ant McPartlin behind the scenes of Saturday Night Takeaway last night.

The former Gogglebox star, 28, is believed to have been shocked when she was falsely fingered in Ant McPartlin’s 11-year marriage breakdown to Lisa Armstrong. Source

Not that June 2017 was the first time that the Monkey-Kuntz had tried to create joinder between the non-entity Moffatt and McPartlin.

You see, in March 2017 the copy-writers released the following earth-shittering article:

Now you have to ask yourself why the shit-rag failed to mention throughout that bollox article, McPartlin’s dodgy knee or even the operation let alone put that forward as a possible reason as to why the presenter tripped.

You also have to ask yourself why the non-news article dedicated most of the cringe inducing content to Little Miss Moffatt who is apparently famous for reviewing tv programs on the shite, sleeping-inducing series; “Gogglebox“.

Well apart from the payoff the snooze-paper received for plugging the shite-dress that she was wearing:

Nevertheless, a month later in April – two months before the cunts started pushing Moffatt in earnest and doing the same with McPartlins, addiction and marriage woes – the Chimp ran an article that had Ant & Dec talking about how they were both having trouble getting their wives pregnant:

In a glittering career spanning more than two decades, they have shared countless life-changing experiences together.

And now Ant and Dec are looking ahead to fatherhood as the duo spoke of their hopes for a ‘little’ Ant or Dec.

The pair are preparing to broadcast their TV show Saturday Night Takeaway live from Walt Disney World, Florida tonight. 

With Ant nodding in the background, Dec said: ‘Kids are absolutely one of the things on the cards for us.’ 

In 2013 Ant candidly spoke about his struggle to conceive with wife Lisa, who he has been married to since 2006. 

The popular television presenter, told the Radio Times: ‘Lisa and I would love to have kids. We’re trying. It’s tougher than you think when you get a bit older.’

The pair got together in 2004 when Lisa, now chief make-up artist on Strictly Come Dancing, was in band Deuce and PJ and Duncan were in the charts.

Dec is happily married to the pair’s manager Ali Astall who he began dating in 2013. 

The former Byker Grove stars, who have won Most Popular Entertainment presenters at the National Television Awards 17 times, are said to have amassed a £60m fortune each. SOURCE

Now I find this article extremely strange for many reasons, not least because there is not so much as a hint of McPartlin’s drug addiction, in fact ALL of the accompanying photos show him looking fit and well (see below).

PHOTO: Ant McPartlin & Dec Donnelly

PHOTO: Ant, his wife, Lisa Armstrong, Declan Donnelly’s wife Ali Astall (note the different surname) and Dec. 

Certainly there is no sign of what was to come just two months later:

Ant McPartlin was spotted wincing in pain as he struggled on crutches just days before revealing a botched knee operation left him hooked on prescription pills and booze.

The TV favourite, 41, has embarked on a strict two-month stint in rehab to battle his demons after surgery on his knee two years ago left him in agony.

Just days before he announced the bombshell news to his family and friends, the presenter – one half of beloved duo Ant & Dec alongside Declan Donnelly – was seen struggling to walk. Source

How very fucking strange!

Secondly, I find it extremely strange that McPartlin is talking about looking forward to fatherhood when just two months later his 13 year relationship to Lisa Armstrong is on the rocks. Indeed, I find it inconceivable that a multi-millionaire is talking about being desperate for children and the trouble that him and his wife are having conceiving as a whole.

I mean surely a multi-millionaire like McPartlin would have been down the IVF route and every other route available in the 13 years that him and Lisa had been together and certainly know beyond doubt if they were not able to have children?

Course, looking at the photo above of Lisa Armstrong and the photo below supposedly taken 2 or 3 months later, you can see why McPartlin was pissed off with her.

Indeed she looks like a bag-lady… Without the shit-bags.

She also likes them there boots.

And of course the same queries apply to Dec and his ‘wife’ even though they have only been together 4 years. I mean apart from the fact that they look totally mismatched, she is clearly no spring chicken and as such you would have thought that they too would have by now exhausted every option available for having kids.

Mind you, Dec’s wife changes appearance like the wind.


Thirdly, the other thing that bothers me about the article is the last line: The former Byker Grove stars, who have won Most Popular Entertainment presenters at the National Television Awards 17 times, are said to have amassed a £60m fortune each.

A £60m fortune each“?

Now there is proof if it was ever needed that the hacks writing this made-up old bollox take absolutely no notice of their own bullshit… I mean did no one ever tell them that to be a good liar you need to have a good memory?

You see, in February of this year the lying-fucks started reporting that CHILDLESS Lisa was seeking a £155 million pound divorce settlement:

Which is a bit hard to understand if a person is only worth £60 million!

As is the reason for the [obviously] photoshopped snappy-snap the Monkey-Kuntz used to accompany the sharticle:

Yet the purveyors of bullshit refused to let the lie drop:


Yet even that £60 million figure looks shaky since the shit-rag also published the following in June of last year:

ITV golden boys Anthony McPartlin and Declan Donnelly reportedly made £79,000 per day between them over the past 12 months.

According to figures from Companies House, the TV presenting duo – who are both 41 and both have OBEs – earned a total of £29.5million over the course of the past year.

Their fortune comes from their joint ownership of Hurley Promotions and Mitre Productions, as well as their two individually owned media companies Deecourt and Teecourt.

Each has £2.1 million less cash over the year to June 30, 2016. Fortunately, both sets of investments have increased by almost identical amounts of around £3.3 million.

In the previous year, Ant and Dec jointly earned more than £7.1 million — or £19,500 a day.

When the pair started out as child stars on TV show Byker Grove, the Geordie actors felt fortunate to earn £100 a day — so, not wanting to appear ‘flashy’, they spent years before deciding to enjoy their money.

Despite taxing times, Ant and Dec are still laughing all the way to the bank, after signing a £30 million, three-year deal with ITV last November.

They also recently split a windfall from shutting down a jointly owned company, Rocky Promotions, and made up to £15 million in 2015 by selling the rights to Saturday Night Takeaway to the U.S. Source

Yet the thick fucks failed to notice their own hypocrisy.

Especially since the cunts had quietly revised that figure two weeks ago in an article praising Ant for how fit and well he looked:

He is said to be going through a £62m divorce from wife Lisa after 11 years of marriage.

And Ant McPartlin looked back to his best as he attended the Prince’s Trust Awards with his best pal and presenting partner Declan Donnelly on Tuesday afternoon.

The ITV presenter was mobbed by fans as he left the star-studded event, hosted by Prince Charles at the London Palladium to celebrate the achievements of young people supported by the Trust. Source

Not a crutch in sight!

Indeed the shit-cunts followed that article up four days later with another heaping praise on the knob-ed celeb:

He has returned to TV in a blaze of glory with Saturday Night Takeaway dominating the weekend screens. 

And true to the name, Ant McPartlin was spotted clutching his very own takeaway as he headed off to work in London on Thursday. 

The ITV presenter, 42, appeared ready to delve into his tasty lunch as he clutched onto a fork while making his way to an awaiting taxi. Source

Again, not a crutch in sight!

And unable to stop themselves the pathetic tosspots released another article on the 14th which had nonce-protecting slapper, Amanda Holden gushing about how well ‘hero’ McPartlin had done following his ‘orrible anus’:

2017 was a trying year for Ant McPartlin, having to take time out of the spotlight to enter rehab for an addiction to painkillers following knee surgery and ultimately deciding his marriage to make-up artist wife Lisa Armstrong was over.

But the 42-year-old presenter is now back to work [currently shooting Saturday Night Takeaway and Britain’s Got Talent] and his BGT colleague Amanda Holden has credited his sense of humour for getting him through his recent personal struggles.

The 47-year-old actress told ‘You know he’s come back and it’s absolutely fine, it feels like nothing happened and that’s rare and it’s because of his tenacity and his sense of humour about it all. Source


Nevertheless, let’s deal with the ‘crash’ that never was, although early reports which had McPartlin losing control of his mini on a roundabout have now disappeared from the Chimp archive… How very convenient.

Therefore I am going to use the earliest article that I can find to which I am going to add comments, photos and screenshots to as we go along:

TV star Ant McPartlin has been arrested on suspicion of drink-driving after his vehicle smashed into two cars on Sunday afternoon.

A three-year-old girl was taken to hospital after the I’m A Celebrity presenter lost control of his Mini at around 4pm today in Richmond, South West London.

Now MUCH was made about this three year old girl being injured who in some reports is four year old and others she is five. Nevertheless, unless her parents were driving illegally then she would have been strapped into a child seat and looking at the damage to the car that she was in it would have been impossible for her to have been hurt:

Now this car did not sustain that type of damage by being hit head on. Indeed given the cars position in the road immediately after the accident the damage can only have come about by being hit by a car travelling adjacent to it… A sort of scraping alongside if you like:

It is therefore kinda hard to work out how the tyre got shredded and the wheel became buckled.

Moreover, why the fuck is the motor covered in snow when the pavement and road are so dry?

And here we have another view that clearly shows scraping on the wheel – how the fuck can that be – although clearly the low profile tyre is not burst and there is clearly far greater damage to the front of the motor.

Now don’t laugh because then there are the following photos:

Which clearly show the tyre as being shredded! Although it is a different wheel!

And like I say, it would have been impossible for the mini to have been hit head on by McPartlin because of the position that we see it in, in photos taken before McPartlin had even got out of his ca.

Furthermore, given the wheel damage, it cannot have been moved as it would have been undrivable:

Probably best not to try and figure it out!

But we are definitely being lied to. Moreover, the suggestion that McPartlin lost control on the roundabout – given the accident location – is preposterous:

The article then continues:

The 42-year-old failed a roadside breathalyser test and was arrested by police, where he remains in custody.

Now since the accident happened at 4 pm in the afternoon when McPartlin was returning home with his mother and two dogs in the car having just taken them for a walk, it is hard to understand how he failed a breathalyser test.

After all, had he been drinking earlier, would his mother have allowed him to drive? Is she as irresponsible as her son is? I have certainly not read any condemnation of his mother, that is for sure.

The troubled television personality allegedly crashed his black Mini after losing control of his vehicle on a roundabout, which veered into the opposite side of the road and collided with a green Mini, which had a young girl and couple inside.

And as you can see from the map above, there is quite a distance between the roundabout and the crash site. Yet realistically, to lose control of the motor on the roundabout he would have to have come out of Mortlake High Street at speed which makes no sense as obviously you have to give way to the right at roundabouts and as such to lose control of the motor he can not have been giving way to fuck all:

PHOTO: The view from Mortlake High Street as you approach the roundabout. The red arrow denotes where the accident took place 

Therefore, it is really just old bollox that McPartlin lost control on the roundabout.

The article continues:

Ant’s Mini then spun around and hit a maroon BMW before eventually coming to a halt on the opposite side of the road. 


Okay, let’s have a look.

Well it certainly looks like there was a collision with a maroon BMW.

Yet when we investigate further you have to ask HOW?

I mean for a starters the wheel is missing from McPartlin’s mini.

And that wheel is right down the other end of the road:

Furthermore, it would appear that the lorry in the photo above only came to pick the wheel up:

I mean the Mini is still there.

But all the same, you now you have to ask yourself not only how McPartlin managed to lose a wheel since his car only gave the green mini a glancing blow, but also how he managed to carry on driving the car up to where it hit the BMW?

Doesn’t make sense does it?

And why have they wrapped his mini up so quickly?

I mean there doesn’t appear to be a lot of damage to the BMW and the BMW certainly didn’t do that damage to Ant’s mini. Yet why is there still snow on it?

After all, he had used the car to drive to take the dogs for a walk with his mother, because we are told he was on the way back home. Yet if he had hit anything with the force to knock his wheel off there certainly would not have been any snow left on the roof.

Indeed, I would maintain that McPartlin did not hit the BMW at all:

You see, here is a screenshot taken from a video allegedly filmed immediately after the accident. In fact McPartlin is not even out of the car, yet there is no steam coming off the engine or fuck all.

Yet as McPartlin clambers out of the car the camera pans to the right:

And here we see there is no one in the BMW. Yet what is the first thing that you do when you have an accident? You get out and inspect the damage:

Which quite clearly no one is doing.

Certainly that is not the BMW driver because he walks off. Also clock the giant.

Indeed I am surprised that McPartlin’s door even opened… And was Mummy sat in the back?

Not according to the Chimp she wasn’t:

‘Airbags deployed in the black Mini and a lady came out of the passenger seat. No one came out of the driver seat initially. Source

But there ya go.

There doesn’t appear to be any damage to the BMW, although the rear wheel of the Mini looks odd.

And here we see someone getting in the BMW who clearly isn’t around in the other photos. Perhaps he or she nipped off for a cup of tea instead of inspecting the damage!

However, given the close proximity of the BMW to Ant’s mini in the photo above, what the old bill must have done in their hurry to get his wrecked motor covered up is moved the BMW back and pulled the front of his Mini towards the center of the road:

Indeed that is the only explanation that I can come up with given the photos above and below:

I mean there it is above, uncovered and straight to the kerb.

As it is in this one straight after the crash happened.

Very fucking strange.

I can only presume that they then pulled the BMW forward again.

It’s beyond me that is for sure.

However, what I want to know is why they don’t make all car registration plates out of the same tough material that they make Mini registration plates out of?

The old bollox continues:

His mother Christine was in the car at the time and the pair are thought to have been heading home after walking the dogs.

The collision comes after a tumultuous few months for the I’m A Celeb star, who booked himself into a rehab clinic last year after becoming hooked on painkillers and is now divorcing his wife Lisa Armstrong.

The divorce from his wife of 11 years is believed to be costing the star around £30 million (AUD$54m) of his estimated £60 million (AUD$108m) fortune. 

That £155 million pound divorce is getting cheaper.

Just hours before the collision, Ant had been hosting his ITV show ‘Ant & Dec’s Saturday Night Takeaway’ with co-host Declan Donnelly.

A witness said Ant was ‘argumentative’ with a female police officer as she arrested him on suspicion of drink driving.

Jake Spencer said he rowed with officers as they tried to put in the police car following the incident.

‘Ant looked in a right state and was acting argumentatively toward a policewoman,’ he told The Sun. ‘I couldn’t believe it when I saw who it was.

‘The woman was trying to arrest him and get him in the police car but he clearly wasn’t having it. ‘

How very fucking strange it is that no one thought to take photos of Ant being argumentative when he was arrested… Although there is a film of him being arrested which is obviously filmed in Technashite.

There doesn’t appear to be any arguing going on.

They then walk off towards a police car:

Leaving Mum on her own who doesn’t even watch them walk off.

The camera then swings round and we see Ant getting into the police car – least it is meant to be Ant. No arguing, and the paramedics in the background don’t even bother to have a butchers at the knob-ed celeb being taken away… Not even the giant one.

There are also two fellas in plain clothes for some reason.

The photos are better quality though.

Yet they don’t show any arguing either.

And you have to ask yourself where the fuck everybody went?


The old shite then continues:

Motorcyclist Nicholas McNicol told The Sun: ‘I came on the scene moments after it happened and he was being escorted to the police car to be put in the back.

But then again Motorcyclist Nicholas McNicol is a stinking lying cock-sucker… Unless the plod got there at the speed of sound:

‘Everyone was in a state of shock at who it was.

Errrr I don’t think so sunshine. Fuck me the paramedics didn’t even watch him loaded into the pig-wagon:

‘I was driving past very slowly and Ant looked straight at me and I thought he looked tired. I was only about 3ft from him.

‘His eyes looked very heavy and he had a solemn face — it looked like his world had just ended.

‘He was the only one being put in a police car. One of the Minis had obviously come straight across the road because it was facing the wrong way.’ 

Do motorcyclist drive then? I thought they rode… Lying cunt.

Other witnesses described hearing a ‘huge bang’ which they mistook for a train crash.


Dog give me strength!

One said: ‘As soon as I opened my front door I heard the horn of a car blaring non-stop and ran towards the sound.

Check the map for houses, although that sentence makes little sense.

‘Near a bend in the road there were two badly damaged Minis which looked as though they’d collided and a BMW X5 — and people wandering around in shock.

‘A family had been in the green Mini which had its front end completely smashed in.’


The witness added that a little girl was crying and that her mother was trying to calm her down. They described Ant as looking ‘awful’ and ‘unsteady on his feet’ following the collision, which had left his Mini in a ‘wreck’.  

Scotland Yard spokesman said: ‘Police in Richmond were called to Lower Richmond Road, SW14 at 15:59hrs on Sunday, 18 March following reports of a road traffic collision involving three vehicles.

‘Officers, London Ambulance Service and London Fire Brigade attended.

‘A number of individuals were treated at the scene for minor injuries only. A child passenger from one of the cars has been taken to hospital for a check up as a precaution.

‘A 42-year-old man was arrested at the scene on suspicion of drink-driving after failing a roadside breathalyser test.

‘He has been taken to a south London police station for questioning. Enquiries continue. Roads are expected to reopen shortly.’ 

A Metropolitan Police spokeswoman said the suspect arrested earlier was still in police custody at the time of calling at 10.50pm. Source

That is an awfully long time to be in custody for being over the limit. Nevertheless, lets investigate those alleged injuries.

Now the old fanny says: A child passenger from one of the cars has been taken to hospital for a check up as a precaution.

And indeed the report makes it sound as if that has been reported as fact by either the plod or the ambulance service, yet the little girl of varying age didn’t go to hospital by ambulance and as such could not possibly have been hurt.

Indeed that fact comes directly from the horses mouth, namely the father of the child:

Asked if he had been contacted by McPartlin, he replied: ‘I cannot talk about that.’ An ambulance was called to the scene of the crash on the Lower Richmond Road in south west London but was not used to transport any patient to hospital. 

Amaira was taken to West Middlesex Hospital in Isleworth by her parents for a check up and was not kept in overnight for any treatment. Faheem said: ‘She is fine. We are all okay.’ Source

And that fact makes you wonder why:
  • The press made such a song and dance about the girl being taken to hospital.
  • She must have been checked by the paramedics who MUST have deemed her not in need of medical treatment
  • The father then wasted doctors and nurses time by taking her to hospital himself.

In fact Daddy Dearest is directly quoted in the same article as saying:

Faheem said he had been asked not to talk directly about the accident by police.

But he added: ‘I cannot talk about certain things, but the main thing is that we are all safe. My daughter and wife are okay and were not injured.’

Course that doesn’t tally with what the lying slag Amy Cassie told the Chimp:

Amy Cassie, 23, who helped McPartlin’s mother get out of the car, told the Daily Mirror: ‘Ant seemed furious after crashing the car and was shouting at his mum who was also in the car. She was trying to get him to calm down.

‘The couple in the green Mini were really shaken up and their child, who was a girl, could only have been about three years old.

‘Ant and his mum didn’t seem to have any injuries, but the mum in the green car had split her lip and the side of her face was very red.’ Source

So why the fuck would Amy say that Faheem’s wife Shilpa was hurt when Faheem stated that she wasn’t?

So I looked around and I found the following photo:

Now surely that would have warranted a hospital visit if for no other reason than to cover the Paramedics should she have had a bleed on the brain or something – although she mustn’t have been wearing a seat belt.

I therefore call bullshit on the whole incident and you have to question McPartlin’s integrity for going along with the fraud… But then again, Wayne Looney did the same… Wankers.

And on a personal note, I like McPartlin am carless. After initially thinking that my water-pump had gone it turns out that the engine block had cracked and as such I have had to scrap the fucking thing.

However, unlike McPartlin I cannot afford another car and do not have anyone to chauffeur me about. I do however need a car. Neither is there any money in the kitty to pay next months site fees… It never rains but it pours.

I would therefore ask you to please donate generously. Thank you in advance.