A Day In The Life

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Chris Spivey/The Daily Chimp

You really couldn’t make this latest old fanny about the McCanns up… But the Daily Chimp fucking could, have, and can’t fucking stop… Bad Monkeys. Very bad.

I mean, do you ever wonder how the chimps manage to get so much mileage out of stories that are basically a load of old bollocks?

I know how they do it.

So, whilst I go about the task of de-constructing the shit rag’s latest article on the McCanns, I will also give you an insight into a typical day at the Daily Chimp.

Now, the first thing I noticed about the McCann article was that Cheetah – a 9 year old Chimpanzee reporter – cannot make his fucking mind up if  the person Kate Bob and Gel Bob are suing is called Goncaro Amaral, Goncalo Amaral or the High Chapperal… Incidentally, has anyone else ever noticed how the High Chapperal theme tune loses its way and keeps trying to launch itself into the Tornadoes hit record ‘Telstar’?… Just asking.

If you aren’t sure, you can listen HERE

Fuck me, I don’t half look after you lot.

Okay, the second thing I noticed is that judging by the first photo that the Chimp uses, Kate McCann is slowly but surely morphing into Mafia Don, Vito Corleone from the film, ‘The Godfather’.

That said, she also always looks to me as if she’s busting for a piss.

Never the less, the Chimp then states:

The tormented mother of Madeleine McCann has said she wants to defend herself in open court for the first time against Portuguese police ‘smears’ over her daughter’s disappearance.

“The tormented mother of Madeleine McCann”???

Fuck me, I had to read that sentence twice before I realised that they were talking about Don Kate… Or did the Chimp think that we needed reminding that she is Madeleine’s mother.

I then thought that if she is being tormented, then she should stop trying to be Marlon Brando… I mean, by trying to pull off such a fools errand people are bound to torment her wherever in the world she goes… Which is usually India. She likes going to India does Don Kate.

Moreover, she now apparently wants to take to the stand in court in order to “defend herself”  in the Libel trial.

Course this is despite the fact that she turned down the offer to give evidence when she had the chance… Obviously, they made Don Kate an offer she could refuse.

The Chimp then shamelessly plugs the McCann’s imminent ‘Scowl and Mumbles’ show to be aired on Crime Watch… I bet for the sake of the money pot Gelly Baby has been warned not to hit Kate… I mean come on, he always looks as if he is about to.

And, following the  propaganda rag’s Crime Watch plug, no doubt Cheetah got bored and fucked off leaving Charlie Farley, the  10 year old Chimp to take charge of writing the bullshit.

Hence Charlie Farley began his first sentence thus:

It is thought Gerry and Kate, 45, will appeal directly to a kidnapper during the programme.

In other words, Charlie Farley is taking a guess that Scowl & Mumbles are going to speak on the show as opposed to just sitting there looking morose. In reality, he hasn’t got a fucking clue if they are or not.

After all, the McCanns do like to pick and choose when they speak don’t they? And, I suppose it also makes the Chimps look like they are in the know when it comes to their gullible readers.

Mind you, if I was the McCanns, I’m fucked if I would speak.

I mean, no bastard will be able to understand Kate with all that Cotton Wool stuffed in her cheeks, will they?

The same applies to Gellondo because he’s Scottish… Can you imagine it, if he gets a bit excited?

That would really be game over (bet I get branded Anti-Scometic after this, as well as already having been branded Anti-Semitic, Racist, Homophobic and  a Neo-Nazi)

After all: “Ya see use ya bastad, something, something, somthing… Al smash ya farkin face in ya wee jorkstrap. Something, something, something, mah wee Maderline. Fee gords sake phorn dee polis”… Really doesn’t make for a good appeal.

Moreover, fuck knows who made Charlie Farley judge and jury since it hasn’t been established that Madeleine has been kidnapped.

I also see that the judge referred to Kate by her maiden name… Then again she would since the McCanns have split up.

Yet, as well as Ker, Ker, Ker, Katie now wanting to speak, so does Gel – the poor deluded fool.

And so as not to be outdone, the High Chapperal wants to give evidence too… Imagine that?  “Fe,fe,fe,fe,fe, scorchio”.

Yes, yes, yes, I know. I’m Portugaphobic too.

Anyway, this is what the Chimp said on the matter:

If given the go-ahead, the McCanns and Mr Amaral are expected to speak on the same day on or after November 27 when the last hearing in the trial at Lisbon’s Palace of Justice is scheduled.

The 27th of fucking November?  They only need to get a translator in for Jezza Gel… After all, Robert Murat can translate for the High Chapparal.

It has to be the dossiest, laziest court in the fucking world doesn’t it?

The 27th of November, in-fucking-deed!

And at this point, Charlie Farley loses the will to live and fucks off somewhere public to pick the clinkers from his furry arse.

Mr Tibbs, a 7 year old female Chimpanzee – don’t ask – then takes over the typing and in true Chimp fashion, straight away leads with a line of bullshit… Closely followed by a line of Coke:

The book was published just three days after the McCanns had their status as suspects over Madeleine’s disappearance officially lifted.

Naughty Mr Tibbs forgot to say that the McCanns status as suspects was only officially lifted because the case was closed… Despite the fact that the Portuguese authorities think the Macanns are guilty as fuck… Although the Portuguese are a bit too frightened to say that to Scotch Gel’s face in case he fucking scowls at them.

Mr Tibbs then just has time to make mention of the very long list of names that the McCanns are suing this week – using money donated by the public to help find their daughter – before she wanders off to have a piss on the editors desk… whilst perched on the overhead fluorescent light.

Earnest, an experienced but somewhat feisty 18 year old male chimp immediately takes over from Mr Tibbs… But not before having to repeatedly screech loudly whilst continuously slapping his head, in order to scare 5 year old Lola off the chair.

Since Earnest is ‘old school’, he has a half hearted bash at bringing some balance to the article by stating that there are inconstancies in the tapas 9’s witness statements.

This serious breach of  the rules by the Daily Chimp’s chimp. immediately spurs the fearsome Editor Paul Dacre (Age unknown) into action.

To the horror of the other Chimps, Dacre launches himself from his chair and charges – amidst ear splitting screams – at poor, terrified old Earnest.

Luckily enough, Earnest was able to move quickly enough to avoid having his throat ripped out.

Satisfied that he’s done his job properly, Dacre casually scoops up the fag Earnest had dropped in his panic, and has a couple of puffs on it, before dragging his hands back to his office, leaving poor Earnest to sit cowering in a corner, shaking like a leaf.

Ignoring the pile of shit Earnest left on the chair through fear, Lola, looking pretty with a pink bow in her hair, plonks herself down and begins to type.

In doing so, she kills two birds with one stone, by reporting that the cadaver sniffing dogs who found evidence to suggest that there had been a dead body in the McCann’s hire car, can be disregarded because “they also reacted to remains at Haut de la Garenne orphanage in Jersey, which were later found to be animal bones”.

Course, if you believe that they were animal bones found at Edward Heaths personal brothel, then you are a right silly fucker.

However, Lola will receive a proper nice delousing session for her ‘sterling good work’ since, by casually dropping the fraudulent statement into the article, she has cleverly sent out a message to the propaganda rags thick as fuck readers suggesting that not only are the ‘nice’ McCann’s innocent; but also no one was murdered or probably even sexually abused for that matter, at the notorious Jersey children’s home.

And, no doubt feeling buoyed by the approving cooing she is receiving from her Pri-mates…  Ha, ha Primates… Do ya get it? …. Pri-mates, I like that… Go me.

Where was I?

Oh yeah… No doubt feeling buoyed by the approving looks that she’s getting, Lola decides to go for it ‘big time’ in the belief that she can now win the ultimate Editors reward.

And how does she intend to do this?

by mentioning that one of the Portuguese Police officers giving evidence at the trial is a right bent cunt –  thus loosely infering that they all are:

The police chief, still a serving officer despite being convicted in January of torturing a crime suspect and receiving a two and a half suspended jail sentence, has previously claimed he believes the McCanns concealed Madeleine’s body. 

Course, had Earnest – now very slowly sneaking up behind Lola to give her a right fucking revenge twatting – been typing, he would have made mention of the fact that Blighty also has many, many serving officers who have been found guilty of all manner of crimes in court.

But Lola keeps that fact to herself.

You see, the cheeky monkey knows that by writing the truth, she will never get her hands on the ultimate Editors prize for propaganda.

So, having noticed that Marcus, the 8 year old assistant editor ape has now joined Dacre in his glass walled office, from where they are now both watching her closely, Lola gets back to it and writes:

Judge Maria Emilio Melo e Castro stopped lawyers on both sides asking Mr Amaral’s former police colleagues what they thought about his conclusions on Madeleine and her parents in his book because they were ‘opinions’ and not ‘facts.’

She then proudly rips the typed sheet of A4 from the type writer and carries it into the Editors office.

After all, she was never going to end the piece by posing the question that if the judge forbids both sets of  lawyers from asking Amaral’s ex-colleagues what they think about his conclusions on Madeleine and her parents in his book, for no other reason than that they were ‘opinions’ and not ‘facts’ – Why the fuck did she allow Kates sister to give evidence where she said that Kate’s and Gel’s distress had been made a hundred times worse by the publication of the book?

Or is that a bona fide fact as opposed to an opinion? Just saying.

So, after waiting for what seemed to Lola to be like an eternity, the Editor and his assistant looked up from the type written essay.

Marcus looked at the Editor, lifted his top lip in a wide monkey grin, and said… “I think she deserves that Banana Dacre”…  HA, ha, ha, ha, ha. “I think she deserves that Banana Dacre”? … Banana Daiquiri?… The fucking drink… Dog, you couldn’t make that shit up in a million years, but I fucking could…. Blinding Spivey, absolutely fucking blinding.

That all folks… Except to say: If you thought that this article is rather silly and pathetic? Remember that the Daily Mail started it.

 

 

Kate McCann tells libel hearing she wants to defend herself in court against ‘smears’ made against her by Portuguese police

  • Kate McCann has requested permission to defend herself in libel case
  • Gerry McCann has also expressed a wish to speak during trial
  • Family is suing Goncaro Amaral over book The Truth of the Lie
  • Police chief claimed the McCanns hid Madeleine’s body after she died in an accident then faked her abduction

By Cheetah, Charlie Farley, Mr Tibbs, Earnest, & Lola

PUBLISHED: 17:12, 8 October 2013 | UPDATED: 17:36, 8 October 2013

 

Kate McCann attended the opening day of the trial but has since stayed away, leaving it to friends and family to represent her, until Mr Armal began his defenseKate McCann attended the opening day of the trial but has since stayed away, leaving it to friends and family to represent her, until Mr Armal began his defense

 

The tormented mother of Madeleine McCann has said she wants to defend herself in open court for the first time against Portuguese police ‘smears’ over her daughter’s disappearance.

Kate McCann has asked a judge for permission to address a libel trial brought after a controversial book suggested the McCanns may have hidden their daughter’s body and staged an abduction.

The author of The Truth Of The Lie is ex-police chief Goncalo Amaral, 56, who was tasked with investigating Madeleine’s May 2007 disappearance.

Kate’s husband Gerry and Mr Amaral have already applied to speak in the Portuguese court.

Her application, revealed at the libel trial today as former police colleagues of Mr Amaral spoke in his defence, paves the way for an emotional finale to the case.

It comes just days ahead of a new appeal by the McCanns for information on their missing daughter on BBC’s Crimewatch which will feature a reconstruction of events in Praia da Luz on May 3 2007.

It is thought Gerry and Kate, 45, will appeal directly to a kidnapper during the programme.

Madeleine’s mother flew to Portugal for the start of the libel trial last month – but had left it to friends and relatives to testify before Mr Amaral’s side launched its defence.

 

Judge Maria Emilia Melo e Castro, referring to Kate by her maiden name as she revealed her change of heart, said: ‘On October 2 Kate Healy made an application to make a statement to this court.

Hearing: Gerry McCann has also expressed a wish to testify against police chief Goncaro AmaralHearing: Gerry McCann has also expressed a wish to testify against police chief Goncaro Amaral

‘The court will decide on this application once evidence has been heard by both sides as only then will it be able to judge on the need for and the pertinence of this application.’

If given the go-ahead, the McCanns and Mr Amaral are expected to speak on the same day on or after November 27 when the last hearing in the trial at Lisbon’s Palace of Justice is scheduled.

Former colleagues of Mr Amaral’s turned up the heat on the McCanns today by insisting nothing he wrote in his July 2008 book was new.

The book was published just three days after the McCanns had their status as suspects over Madeleine’s disappearance officially lifted.

Around 120,000 copies were sold before it was withdrawn when the McCanns won an injunction against the ex-police chief.

Proceedings: Mr McCann in the court building, where the case against Mr Amaral is being heardProceedings: Mr McCann in the court building, where the case against Mr Amaral is being heard

 

Anger: Mr McCann claims the allegations made it harder to search for his daughter, who vanished in 2007Anger: Mr McCann claims the allegations made it harder to search for his daughter, who vanished in 2007Portuguese TV station TVI, also being sued by the McCanns along with Mr Amaral’s book publishers, broadcast a controversial documentary based on the book in April 2009.
Former family liaison officer Ricardo Paiva told the court: ‘What is in the book is based on our investigation and contains the professional and personal opinions of Goncalo Amaral as a police officer.
‘Everything that is there can be found in the case files.’
Contradicting earlier claims by the McCanns’ family and friends that Mr Amaral’s book had hindered their search for their daughter by turning the Portuguese public against them, he added: ‘The flow of information continued to come in regularly.
‘Neither this book or any other book affected the flow of information.’

Luis Neves, head of a national police unit tasked with investigating organised crime, including kidnappings, said Mr Amaral’s conclusion Madeleine was dead was an idea accepted early on by her parents.

He insisted Kate was the driving force behind a failed July 2007 search for Madeleine by controversial ex-south African detective Danie Krugel, who claimed to have invented a machine which could locate a body if provided with a DNA sample.

Neves said the reservations he felt over Mr Krugel were shared by colleagues about sniffer dogs supplied by British police which went on to smell the ‘scent of death’ in the McCanns’ holiday apartment and place a huge question mark over the hypothesis Madeleine was kidnapped.

The performance of the dogs was later called into question after they also reacted to remains at Haut de la Garenne orphanage in Jersey, which were later found to be animal bones.

Battle: Mr McCann and his family are still looking for Madeleine, who was aged three when she disappearedBattle: Mr McCann and his family are still looking for Madeleine, who was aged three when she disappeared

 

 

Mr Neves told the court: ‘The McCanns convinced us we should bring in the south African man with his equipment.

‘We didn’t want to place any obstacles in the way and so the investigating officers eventually allowed it.

‘It was during this part of the investigation our British colleagues said there was a team made up of dogs and their handlers that could help us to find out where the child could be buried.

‘It was from then on that the Algarve police division decided to allow the dogs to come and the idea of Madeleine’s death began to form and things took another direction.

‘I know the suggestion of the dogs was not accepted lightly.

‘We had no experience of it in Portugal and the cost was another factor.’

Retired police officer Francisco Moita Flores, now a TV commentator, described the Madeleine McCann investigation as one of the ‘most complex and well-investigated cases’ he had had ever seen and called Mr Amaral ‘competent.’

He insisted the Tapas Nine – the McCanns and the friends dining with them at a tapas bar near their apartment the night Madeleine disappeared – should have had their phones tapped because of ‘inconsistencies’ in their statements.

Attacking the ongoing Home Office-funded Met Police investigation into Madeleine’s disappearance, called Operation Grange, he told the court: ‘There’s a prophetic and dogmatic vision behind it.

‘These detectives are only putting forward the hypothesis of abduction.’

Judge Maria Emilio Melo e Castro stopped lawyers on both sides asking Mr Amaral’s former police colleagues what they thought about his conclusions on Madeleine and her parents in his book because they were ‘opinions’ and not ‘facts.’

Victim: Madeleine's disappearance sparked a worldwide police search, but she has not yet been foundVictim: Madeleine’s disappearance sparked a worldwide police search, but she has not yet been found

 

Couple: Gerry and Kate McCann say they were extremely distressed by Mr Amaral's book, published in 2008Couple: Gerry and Kate McCann say they were extremely distressed by Mr Amaral’s book, published in 2008

 

She waved the book in her hand as she demanded to know from Ricardo Paiva: ‘The back cover says it contains exclusive revelations.

‘What’s new in the book that’s not in the police files?’

Told by Mr Paiva, ‘Nothing’, she replied: ‘Ok, so then I have to conclude this is misleading advertising.’

Another defence witness, Mr Amaral’s ex-number two Vitor Tavares de Almeida, was bizarrely dismissed after being asked just one question.

The police chief, still a serving officer despite being convicted in January of torturing a crime suspect and receiving a two and a half suspended jail sentence, has previously claimed he believes the McCanns concealed Madeleine’s body.

He was overheard on a video link muttering: ‘What am I doing here?’ before being sent away after admitting he had only read the final two pages of Mr Amaral’s book.

Mr Amaral denies defamation. The case continues.

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2449861/Kate-McCann-mother-Madeleine-tells-libel-hearing-wants-defend-court-smears-Portuguese-police-over.html#ixzz2hCgPRZSG
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